Citation: Lola B. "Prime, Probe, Process: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp56384)". Erowid.org. Oct 13, 2006. erowid.org/exp/56384
||(powder / crystals)
It is commonly accepted that there are three distinct stages of the transformative experience (trip): The first stage being the Preparation, the second stage, the Experience itself, and the third stage the Reflection, or Processing of the experience.
It was upon an auspicious Friday afternoon, as I was walking home from university, that I realized I was in dire need for a transformative experience. My life had been out of balance for far too long. I was stuck in a rut of poor diet and disorganization and it was beginning to affect my self-image and my ability to focus on life goals. I needed something to shake the dust from my rafters, a spring-cleaning of the mind. Mushrooms Ė my usual fallback Ė felt like too much of an investment for an unplanned afternoon, and Salvia divinorum didnít feel right for the occasion.
Suddenly I remembered the 5-MeO-DMT Iíd procured over two years ago, and without hesitation my mind was set. There was a sliver of doubt in my mind as to the efficacy of the chemical Iíd been given, but there was only one way to find out. Unlike my previous 5-MeO-DMT experiences, I decided to put extra emphasis on the Preparation phase, ritualizing my approach and setting the framework of the experience with solid intention. I recognize the immense power of this chemical and do not take its affects lightly.
As I walked home from school, I felt my anticipation rising, as my mind began exploring the ďwhat-ifsĒ and a multitude of imagined outcomes. I didnít like the nervousness of this energy. Iíve noticed from previous experiences that over-thinking the situation can, in fact, close the mind and limit the range of possibilities for experience, due to fabricated expectations. So I consciously redirected this energy to an awareness of my physical self in the moment. I corrected my posture, focused on sensing individual muscles as I walked, and brought my awareness to my breathing, steady and strong.
When I arrived at home, I immediately began preparation for the trip. I needed to meet up with a friend later that night, so I set out the clothing I wanted to wear, and prepared everything I wanted to take with me ahead of time, so I could be free to bask in the afterglow of the experience afterwards, without having to think too hard or make any big decisions. I also prepared the space for the experience: in my loft bed. I set out white sage for cleansing the air beforehand, a lighter, my pipe, the 5-MeO-DMT, and a bottle of water. I also put a note on my door: DO NOT DISTURB, as I didnít want any interruptions by my flatmates.
When everything was set up and ready, I took a shower. I had two motives for this, one being that I wanted to feel fresh and pure for the experience, and the other being that I wanted to experiment with another type of DMT release, while lying naked in bed, prior to the experience. In his book entitled, DMT: The Spirit Molecule, Dr. Rick Strassman mentions evidence of natural DMT release at the moment of orgasm. I donít bring myself to orgasm very often, and I thought it might be an interesting experiment to see the similarities and differences between the two experiences.
While in the shower, I unconsciously began vocalizing a variety of questions that I wanted to answer with this experience, such as ďAm I on the right path for my life?Ē and ďAm I really as alone as I feel in this world?Ē After a while, the questions turned into statements, such as, ďI have the power to make anything possible.Ē As I slipped between my sheets, my verbal meditation continued. Iíve been reading the Tao of Physics, and one of the underlying philosophies contained therein explains how everything can be seen as opposing forces of energy (dark/light, good/evil). I began a slow, steady, deep pattern of breathing, as I continued to vocalize, ďI am the light and the dark, the everything and the nothing.Ē I tried to picture in my mindís eye the interconnectedness of all things and the omnipotent energy of the universe. I lit some sage and used its familiar scent to bring me deeper into my meditation. After smudging, I lay down and put ear plugs in my ears. This sensory control was different from my previous 5-MeO-DMT experiences, where I had been listening to music to guide my trip and give me focus. This time, I wanted my focus to be solely on my breath, and I wanted my journey to be independent of any outside influences.
I took my time, slowly caressing myself and imagining my idealized image: a Warrior Priestess whom I call Ixa. She is all-powerful and unafraid, she is who I aspire to be in my life, and Iíve called on her many times for guidance and support. I held my hands over each of my chakras in succession from root to crown, pausing over each to offer a prayer of sorts for the guidance that their energies could offer. I pictured the magnetic field flowing through my center and enveloping me in a powerful field of energy and light. I returned my focus to my root chakra and began to slowly and sensually stimulate my ďg-spotĒ, a sensation Iíd experienced only a handful of times. My goal was not so much to rush through to the orgasm, as it was to build a slow and steady climax that would result in the ultimate experience of release (and hopefully a miniature DMT release.)
My flatmates all love to talk about female ejaculation, something Iíve gotten close to, but never actually experienced. They describe it as feeling like needing to pee. If one can counter-intuitively release when that sensation arises, they can experience the female ejaculation. The hardest part is convincing yourself that the fluid isnít actually urine. I suppose it must have been the state of total relaxation and safety that I had built through my meditation, that gave me the freedom to proceed without hesitation or fear. Shortly after my powerful climax, I experienced my first female ejaculation. The release was amazing. I wasnít sure how to deal with the volume of fluid, so I pulled the pillowcases off my pillows and used them as a make-shift ďdiaperĒ, as I didnít want to break my meditative state by climbing out of my loft bed.
In the moments that followed, I experienced another type of release, this time emotional. A violent wave washed over me and I began sobbing. I cried uncontrollably for many minutes, unconscious of how loud I was being, since my hearing was muffled by the earplugs. I felt like the tears were coming from a very guarded place that I rarely allow myself to access and I began trying to verbalize what I was feeling. Having the earplugs helped me remain completely unaware of the presence of my flatmates in the next room. Speaking out loud helped me actualize the words that were coming to me. Immediately, I came to realize that the few times I experienced a climax anywhere near this magnitude was with a past lover who I was very close to and had had to say goodbye to a little over a year ago. My experiences with him had brought me closer than Iíve ever been to that which I shall call God for all intents and purposes. I have also felt this Oneness through the use of psychedelic mushrooms.
With my eyes blurred by tears, and my voice shaky with emotion, I chanted, ďI am a woman. I have the power of ultimate creation within. This is the creation of God. I am God! He is God! We are all God!Ē I chanted over and over again, growing ecstatic as my grief and sorrow began turning to light and power. I felt solace in confirming that the power of the universe resides within. In that moment, I experienced another ejaculation, this one more powerful than the first. It concerned me, in that Iíd never experienced anything like it before, but I didnít want anything to derail the depth of the journey I was on, so I adjusted the pillowcases and went with it. I experienced one more ejaculation before falling into a restful and quiet space.
Ordinarily, when perched on the brink of a psychedelic experience, I am nervous and anxious. My heart beats rapidly and my breathing comes shallow and quick. My hands shake and my head reels with anticipation. This time, I didnít even think to myself, ďThis is it,Ē or ďHere we go.Ē I just reached for the pipe and went through the motions. My breathing was deep and controlled and my heart rate felt comfortable and natural. I donít have any way of knowing how much I smoked, other than to say I tend to err on the ďtoo muchĒ, rather than ďnot enoughĒ side of things. The small pile of powdery crystals was a little different than the 5-MeO-DMT Iíve smoked in the past. This time it was slightly beige in color, instead of the pure white I was used to. And as I applied the flame and began to inhale, the powder instantly liquefied onto the screen.
I remember wondering if it was going to work at all, as I held the deep inhale and placed the pipe to the side. It certainly tasted like the 5-MeO-DMT I remember, a dry, bitter, chemical flavor that permeated my sensory organs. I lay down comfortably and rested my hands by my side, eyes not yet closed. Just as soon as I was situated, I began to feel the edge of the trip approaching and I exhaled, my vision disappearing with the out breath. (Iím pretty sure my eyes closed at this point.)
Like my past trips, this one came on strong and hard, completely taking over my physical being. It felt as if all of the atoms of the molecules that typically form my physical self simply dispersed, and even my sense-of-self, or ego, vanished. I had a narrow sense of my airway Ė mouth to trachea to lungs Ė but no other sense of my physical being. It was frightening at first, but Iíve felt this before, so rather than fall into the fear, I focused on reminding myself to breathe. The power of the physical release came in ever increasing waves, the more powerful the wave, the deeper the breath. I was conscious of my breathing for only the first minute or so.
For the next three or four minutes, I fell deeper and deeper into the visual experience. The visuals were more powerful than Iíve ever known, morphing through a few distinct patterns. I donít recall any color, just dark shades of grey and black. But there is no doubt of the patterns that I saw in that narrow value range. At one point, it felt as if I was speeding through a tunnel of fractals, like zooming through a Mandelbrot set. This same vision I have seen many times while peaking on Mushrooms, as well as in the throes of passion with the afore-mentioned lover. I also recall a patterning that I can only describe as what I see after stirring a bowl of miso. The grains of miso begin to settle in their matrix of hot liquid, and a pretty distinct pattern forms. Not unlike the spiraling of cream in coffee, Iíd say, but with different properties due to the weight of the grains in the liquid. I donít have words to describe the other patterns I saw, though I can recall them with ease to my mindís eye. There may have been others, as well, that I canít access in my conscious mind. I had no sense of time or space during the peak of the trip but from previous experience, Iím guessing it lasted about 4-5 minutes.
As mentioned before, I experienced a total loss of ego during the peak of the trip. And though I had no sense of self, I remember two thoughts that came to me towards the end of the peak: I remember wondering if it was ever going to end, and I remember wishing there was some way I could artistically capture what I was seeing.
After what must have been minute 5 or so, my physical self slowly began to reassemble. My limbs twitched to life, though I had no motor control just yet. I felt entirely overwhelmed by a feeling of relief, but also of great loss. I felt happy that I was returning safely to the life I know, but also very disturbed that I had to leave behind the brilliance and beauty and energetic perfection that I had just visited. I felt like a baby being born and in this terrible confusion, I started to cry, not sad sniffles or fearful sobs, but screaming, wracking heaves that reminded me of how I must have cried when I burst forth from the womb into this cold, bright world. I screamed with the vulnerability and fear of the fragile baby I once was. And it felt really good! I tried to verbalize what I was feeling and all that came out was (although barely Ė speech didnít come easily at this point), ďIím alive! Oh God, Iím alive!Ē At one point, my eyes snapped open, and I know my pupils must have been hugely dilated because of the familiar depth of perception that comes with hallucinogens/psychedelics.
Despite the vast confusion, I wanted to lie in stillness and experience the last of the trip without overwhelming emotion. I focused again on my breathing and my tears stopped. I stared into deep space on my blank ceiling in the dark, and watched scintillating patterns that most resemble the Flower of Life, and other Sacred Geometric configurations dance in my field of vision. I got the distinct sensation that I was seeing these patterns with the aid of a third eye (which was giving me the depth that I saw in the otherwise flat surface before me). My sense of self slowly returned and I began to cry again, but less violently. I found that I could move my hands and my arms but still without precise control over my movements. I began feeling the rest of my body, almost surprised to find it intact. I touched my face, gripping my cheeks and my hair. I kicked and stretched my legs, slowly bringing them back to life.
Suddenly, I released again, although Iím not sure if it was another ejaculation or if I urinated. It made me laugh and my laughter turned back to tears and then to laughter again, and I recalled a moment during my last mushroom trip when the same thing happened and I got really confused about the difference between laughing and crying. I felt like such a helpless, frightened baby! I returned to my mantras, shouting between heavy sobs, ďIím alive! I am God! Iím alive! I am Ixa! Iím here! Iím still here! Oh God Iím alive!Ē I continued screaming and crying until I began to feel like there was no more energy to release. Whatever Iíd been tapping into was finally relieved and I was slowly coming back into myself.
Since this experience, four days ago, I have found a powerful inner-peace that I havenít connected with in a great while. I feel greater intention in everything I do, like Iím not just going through the motions of life, but really living. Iíve found moments where Iím content just to sit in silence and observe the birds in the trees in my backyard, or the multitude of pedestrians on the streets of downtown. I find that Iím more likely to look strangers in the eye and smile. Iíd been putting off doing laundry and cleaning my room for an unmentionably long period of time, but last night I got a whim and not only tackled those tasks, but also cleaned the whole house! Iím focusing better on my schoolwork, and I feel like Iím articulating my thoughts and feelings better when communicating through speech as well as visual art.
I know this heightened awareness and overall sense of well-being is temporary, it always is. But thatís why I feel that transformative experiences are vital to my existence. They offer me a chance to re-connect and re-ground. They remind me that life in this body is so temporary and that thereís so much to appreciate in this dimension of consciousness. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the immediacy of this perceived reality, Iím infinitely glad for the opportunity to break out and gain perspective once in a while.
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