Citation: NVB. "Just What I Needed: An Experience with H.B. Woodrose (exp55654)". Erowid.org. Oct 7, 2007. erowid.org/exp/55654
First a bit of background about myself. I'm 25, 6ft, well built, and have been regularly using drugs for about 3 and a half years, this has included a lot marijuana, a good number of experiences with ecstacy, magic mushrooms and cocaine (sometimes at the same time), ketamine once, pure mdma once, speed once, and small doses of mescaline three times. Basically I thought I could handle my drugs. I'd tripped with mushrooms maybe 15 times, and had had bad experiences twice that had scared me a little at the time, but it was nothing compared to my HBW experience.
Also relevant to this report is that my mother died when I was 9 and it was an issue I have never really dealt with. Although I have confronted it and had counseling in the past, the pain is still inside and still very raw, although often repressed. Even so, I have a strong mind and a strong self-belief and have always felt I can get over it and one day be a whole and happy person.
A good friend of mine and I got hold of 2 packs of these from a local headshop, 7 per pack. We had been planning to do them for a week or so, and a free weekend presented itself. I woke up on the day feeling a bit apprehensive, but talked myself into being ready and confident for this. I went over to his about 4 pm. At about 5 PM we ate 7 seeds each by peeling the outer fluffy skin and just munching them up in our mouths and swallowing. We lay down and listened to music and had a small spliff and some cigarettes.
We could slowly feel the affect increasing. Time seemed to pass quite slowly, I remember him checking the time and only an hour had passed, but it seemed like two. We talked and listened to music more, but I don't remember too much specifically. He decided to put on 'Where The Buffalo Roam'. The effects were increasing and I was laughing like anything, and my legs were restless. As the film went on I was feel these affects more, and was lying there kicking my legs as though I was swimming. I was feeling absolutely fantastic, it felt like one of the best drug experiences.
Then things changed a bit. A friend of his texted him and said about going down to the pub for a drink. He thought this would be a good idea. I wasn't sure, but I was feeling good, and he talked me into it. We got ready and at about 9 PM walked to my house to get my jacket, and then set off into town. I started getting a fear about going to the pub. I stopped in a park off the road and explained to my friend. I am a shy person in many ways, and don't feel I can be myself unless with certain people, he being one of them. But I felt I wasn't capable of being myself in the pub, and this brought up issues regarding problems with relationships and my mum's death. I was crying at this point but felt better for getting it out. I dried my eyes and we continued into town feeling better about the situation, that this was a positive thing that I was learning to be myself, freeing my mind from the barriers that my psyche had put in place as a way of dealing her death. I shutdown emotionally and repressed and denied really ever since.
We got to the pub, and felt a bit self-conscious, but it was ok. We spoke with his friend and her friends. It was Sunday so it closed at 10:30, and we went and got a taxi home. We thought the trip was wearing off now and it dropped him at his house, and then me to mine. I got home and went to the toilet. As I sat there, bad thoughts started to hit me. For some reason, all I thought about killing myself. I tried to shake it, but it was there. This naturally scared me, and I hurridly pulled my trousers up and ran out of the house to try and clear my head. All I could think of was that now I was starting to confront her death that my life was no longer worth living, that the only way to be happy would be to kill myself so that maybe I could see her in heaven or some after-life if one exists. I could sort of talk myself away from these bad thoughts, only for them to come back again. I made myself a cup of tea and sat outside drinking that and having a cigarette to try and calm down. The bad thoughts came again and I turned to the one person who I have never been close to but should have been, my dad.
It was now 11:30. I called him and thankfully he answered. I didn't say what was happening, but I said I'd been out and become a bit emotional about mum, and felt I was starting to really accept. I didn't say about the bad thoughts. He talked but I couldn't listen to all he was saying as my mind was racing. I got my coat and started walking into town again, because I wasn't sure speaking with him was going to help, so I headed toward the police station whilst speaking to him. I sat on a bench near there still speaking to him. I said that I was feeling a bit lost and confused about the situation and I just wanted to be at his house. He said did I want him to come down so I said yes. Then I thought about this, and thought shit I'm tripping and dragging my dad into all this, and maybe I would calm down in a minute. But I confirmed and said to meet at my house. He lives about 45 minutes away, so I walked back to my house (I don't remember much of this) and sat outside and had a few more cigarettes, 'Everything will be ok now,' I was thinking, although still some bad thoughts.
He turned up in good time, and I hugged him for the first time in my life. I made him a cup of coffee and we spoke, and then we drove back to his. I was feeling much better about things. He happened to mention in the car that LSD had been trialed in the 50s or 60s for pyschological use to help free problems, so then I admitted that I had done seeds containing LSA. The drive was pretty quick and we got in and I lay on the couch. We sat there with the tv on. He went to make a drink and the bad thoughts returned, and there was a feeling that this trip would never end, that I would be stuck in it for ever. So I had to go into the kitchen.
I went to the toilet and looked in the mirror. My face was getting thinner then fatter. I felt I didn't know who I was so I left the bathroom. I lay back on the couch and we sat there with the tv again. I could feel the affects wearing off, and could feel myself relaxing, and feeling more ready for sleep. He wished me good night, and I lay there with my eyes closed feeling ok, but with crazy whirling brightly coloured fine patterns. Although impressive, I didn't care for these, I justed to sleep! The patterns diminished and I got to sleep about maybe 5 AM, and slept for a few hours. I awoke feeling good, but still in a bit of confused state about what had happened.
It's now the evening and I've had some time to reflect about the trip. Firstly, that it was the scariest experience of my life, having unwanted thoughts of suicide, or losing my mind and being stuck in a trip and never coming back. I've been quite tearful today about the whole thing. I think I've been in shock, and am now just taking it all in. I had a nasty car crash last year in which I could have easily been killed, which left me in a similar state, so I know the feeling.
Having said that, this experience may have given me exactly what I have been looking for for all these years. It feels now that my drug usage has all been away of searching for away to feel comfortable with who I am, and now finally at 25 I have that, and can begin the next step of the healing process and get on with my life, and be able to let a woman into my life as a partner. I'm still undecided as to whether this is the end of drugs for me. I'm defiantly not touching anything for a while till I recover from this, but maybe it is time to move on from them permanantly, maybe this is all I ever needed from them.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.