Citation: ReDragon. "I Am God!: An Experience with PCP (exp55358)". Erowid.org. Nov 9, 2008. erowid.org/exp/55358
||(pill / tablet)
In my long history of drug use, this experience was the most beautiful, the most pure and also the one that probably hurt me the most in the end. I am writing this about 11 years after the fact, so I was about 19 at the time.
I had been going through a hard patch, losing my girlfriend and also losing some good friends mainly because of drugs (cocaine), but also because I think I was really unhappy at that time and trying desperately to find my place in this world. That night I had gone to a friend's apartment cause I knew she sold PCP (or mescaline as we call it here in eastern Canada). So I bought 2 pills and downed 1 and a half and asked if I could stay overnight cause she lived quite a ways away and she grudgingly agreed. So there I was with the girl in question (V) and her roommate M and we sat down to watch Amadeus, the movie.
As I was watching the movie the trip started coming on and I gradually dissociated to a point where I became Mozart. Everything that happened to him during the movie happened to me, and it was so intense I cried and cried like I had never done before. They were tears of intensity, tears of life and love of life. Anyway, it was like I had lived a whole life (that of a genius no less) and died all in less than 2 hours.
After that, the two girls went to bed and I stayed lying on the sofa meditating until morning. I felt no need for sleep, only extasy, pure and total extasy as I felt through every breath every organ and fluids in my body regain their natural and centered state, by morning I was reborn.
I spent the morning playing and interacting with V's 2 year old daughter and I felt such a love for her and for all children that I wanted to love them and care for them (and their mothers...) and protect them all, cause they were all children. They couldn't take care of one another, they were lost, and I would help them.
I finally left around noon and went home. During all that time I felt that I could do anything, I had total control over myself and body and indirectly over other people, as I felt as if I were the only person awake in a sea of sleepwalkers, repeating unfruitful actions ad nauseam and never aware of their true condition, God! That's it, I was God! I had finally awakened! and I would help them all to see the light. This feeling lasted for about a week and I took PCP a couple times more during the next 2-3 months, always in small doses (10-30 mg) and the feeling kind of remained, on and off, but only for a time.
The problem was that I felt such a need to share that feeling with others, to be recognised, and that was just not meant to be, so eventually I let it slip away and have longed for it ever since. I learnt to kind of make peace with it being gone now, but not before I went through a terribly destructive phase where I was shooting heroin and coke all the time until I caught HIV and finally decided to sort of cool it.
Today I am still addicted to heroin but I manage. My life is in the gutter I feel, sometimes, but you have to understand that I really WAS God for such a short while. I know it sounds like psychosis, and in a way it was, but it was still the best and most powerful experience a person can have, I truly believe this.
It was like both my cerebral hemispheres were in total synk. I could slow time down so as to perceive every tic and manner of expression a person can have and mirror them back or not as I chose. I understood that the human mind can be either a sponge or a diamond, piercing or letting things selectively go through you without causing you harm, total understanding, total power.
I'm glad I finally decided to write this experience down, so I can share it with others. I know PCP has had very bad press in the media, but for me it literally opened the doors of perception and kept them open, until I was too stupid and too arrogant to just appreciate it and run with it. So my only advice would be, don't take insight for granted, wherever it may come from.
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