Citation: Ikeavelli. "Control is an Illusion: An Experience with Opiates (exp54982)". Erowid.org. Apr 6, 2009. erowid.org/exp/54982
I've been using opiates for the better half of about 3 years now. It started off as an innocent bi-weekly activity. As time slowly moved on though, I began to grow confident in my ability to use and cease use as I saw fit. I was always able to tell when I needed to give it a break or 'maybe not take that much this time'. I would occasionally go online and educate and amuse myself with the trip reports and other information. Every now and then I would come across one of the reports that warned of the heavily addictive nature of opiates and just kind of laugh it off and think to myself that those people just have no self control.
Well here I am. 23 years old with no job, no education and struggling to leave these damned things alone. Donít get it twisted, I will never cease to love the euphoric warmth and relaxation that only a good potent opiate can deliver. But one has to always keep his head about him when stepping through unfamiliar territory. I *knew* that I was unsusceptable to the addictive nature of these drugs because time and time again, I would take generous amounts for anywhere from 1 to 4 days in a row, and still be able to give myself enough 'down time' to allow my opiate receptors to return back to baseline. I was in total control, or at least I thought I was. I did so well with keeping myself from becomming addicted that I fooled myself into believing that I could handle more and more.
It started with tylenol 3's then to vicodins and percocets (and equivalents), then to oxycontin and morphine, and most recently dilaudid. I believe the addiction process started when I gained access to morphine. It's still my favorite of all because reguardless of the fact that it isn't as potent as oxycodone orally, I can still achieve a better quality and longer lasting high from morphine (given I have a nice amount). The first time I got them was in the form of 3 little green pills of 30mg each. I had snorted them all within about an hour and after about 2 hours I knew I was defeated.
The first time I had tried opiates was in the form of two 5/500 percocets. I remember the feeling extremely vividly, and remember telling myself 'damn, whenever this shits available again Iím doing whatever I have to get it.' I hadn't felt the same since. No matter how much of anything I put up my nose, nothing ever compared to the first time, nothing. That is until I started doing morphine. That first time I did morphine it felt like my very first time all over again. It was also the first time I truely experienced the nod. I knew that I had found my drug of choice.
When I was alot younger I used to wonder about 'getting high'. I had a sort of faint idea of what being high was like, but because I was so young I really had no idea. I just kind of imagined it as being totally happy and sleepy. I was always curious about it, there was just something in me that always wanted to know what it was all about. On the outside I gave the impression that I would never do drugs. But inside, I don't know, it was something that was mysterious and alluring. I was extremely curious.
When that first morphine high was hitting it's peak I had vivid memories of my childhood while nodding. I remembered always telling people that I wanted to be a scientist or an inventor. I remembered my childhood elementary school and the huge dirt field that layed between it and the recreation center I used to go to after school. I remembered how I got really bad and acted out alot in 3rd and 4th grade. It was so amazing. I had the greatest feeling of euphoria and nostalgia pumping through my head. All I could do was just lay there, eyes closed with these incredibly intense waves of pure bliss rolling from my stomach and head outward in all directions. I swear that if I didnít know any better I would've sworn that I was visably glowing.
During that first morphine high, among everything else that came to mind, I remembered times when I would be watching a movie where someone would be smoking weed or doing heroin or coke. I remembered how I used to always wonder why people would do things like that if it was so dangerous. I remembered wondering what actually being high was like. And thatís when it hit me. Up to that point I had done a fair-sized variety of different drugs... marijuana, dxm, diphenhydramine, dimenhydrinate, coke, benzos, alcohol cigarettes, shrooms... but none of them felt like the perfect drug to me. Each one was flawed in some way or another.
Marijuana was my favorite for the longest time because it was cheap, the feeling was the closest thing to my original idea of 'high', and I enjoyed smoking anything anyway. But eventually I developed panic attacks whenever I would smoke. So there was a period of about 2 years where even just a fraction of a bowl would get me extremely disoriented and send me into a full blown panic attack. DXM was great in the beginning but began leaving me 'retarded' for longer and longer periods, so I wasn't using it for very long. The allergy and motion sickness pills were more or less just a pathetic (and need I say dangerous?) attempt at hallucinating that never really worked out. Cocaine isn't even on the end of the spectrum of drugs that I enjoy but I still like a line or three every now and then. Benzos and alcohol were okay but I eventually just got sick of them and stopped taking either one. Shrooms are soo fucking great but they too carry a bit of anxiety with them, so they never really became a true favorite of mine.
Only opiates have been able to fufill my expectations of what truely being high is. Theyíve also rendered me useless unless Iím on them. I made the mistake of thinking I was better than everyone else and could control my use to keep myself from becomming addicted. I made the mistake of deviating from my original way of taking the pills bi-weekly at low to medium doses to taking them pretty much every day at medium to high doses.
I guess what Iím trying to say in all of this is that... opiates ARE addictive. I know you know that, and I knew they were, and I knew what would happen if I became addicted. I knew all about withdrawal, how to adjust for equivalent doses of different opiates, not to use needles, I was adequately educated before I got into all of this. I really was in complete control, but I let the knowlege that I was in control go to my head and began thinking that I could handle more and more. I was sooooo sure I had my shit in check and just knew this wouldn't happen to me.
Iíve lost friends and have friends that have lost friends to this stuff. Itís caused me to lie, steal, and become anti-social to people I love. Itís something that isn't to be taken lightly. Thereís a large amount of responsibility and will power that needs to be present when dealing with opiates. And to all of the other people that have posted similar reports, my apologies for thinking youíre all just weak and have no self control. I too now know what its like to slip and end up wondering how this could happen. I now know what its like to be in pain from withdrawal and to wake up laying on a sweat-soaked mattress in wet sweat-drenched clothes. Its no fun at all, and really sucks when people think you're just weak and just want to stay high... because in all honesty it's nothing like that at all.
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