Citation: Rick. "The Social Contract: An Experience with Aripiprazole (Abilify) (exp54812)". Erowid.org. Jun 16, 2007. erowid.org/exp/54812
I started smoking pot when I was 15, but very, very rarely until I entered college at age 19. I had been an A student but became very upset at the world at that point, I did not get into Harvard, Princeton or Yale and my safety school didn't impress me that much. I smoked pot a lot when I got there, although I wasn't into drinking or other drugs. I did, however, do mushrooms (maybe about 15 times), and had 'mystical' experiences on them. I think these experiences altered me fundamentally, as we shall see later.
I smoked all the pot I could get my hands on in college. Bad pot, good pot, the best pot, anything, it gave me a great feeling, like I was in control of myself and, as much as I could be, of my surroundings.
But I was tremendously depressed (although I didn't know what 'depression' was at the time, and I hate labels when it comes to mental thoughts and feelings), and I saw a shrink at the end of my senior year. Although I believe in pushing the limits of society, I feel I am firmly a part of it and I do not believe it is wise to always be rocking the boat. Hence, the medical approach to my unease.
The Psychiatrist prescribed an antidepressant, Zoloft, which I had a very bad experience with, and I promptly stopped taking it. I think at that point I had been so angry at the ruling class of higher education for so long that I 'didn't trust anyone over 30', to use a naive saying.
A year later, another shrink diagnosed me with depression and ADHD, and put me on Prozac and stimulants (Dexedrine). Although it helped a bit, I still felt bad.
I went to law school, and failed out. I was still pissed at the world - the ruling classes call such feelings 'grandiose'. I spent the next two years at home feeling bad, suicidal, and homicidal, I barely remember them. I rarely did any drugs, if at all. The third year after law school I lived in an apartment in the city and smoked all the pot I could. Not in a good way - always by myself. I would smoke, play online video games, masturbate to internet porn, eat, and be isolated for long periods of time. I rarely had sex, I plotted murder-suicide plans. I was so angry at how I was treated in law school and I was still angry at the fact that I went to a shitty safety school that I could barely breathe.
Finally I could take it no more and I checked myself into a hospital. I knew I was about to enter the 'pharmaceutical/medical complex' but I also had little choice - society does not care for 'crazy people'.
Soon enough, I was put on aripiprazole (Abilify) and lorazepam for treatment of 'Bipolar disorder'. I do feel better, but I feel less energized and sometimes dull. I have experienced what doctors call 'Akathisia' on numerous occasions while taking Abilify. I hate this feeling beyond belief and the first time I took Abilify I threw away all of my medications out of protest and fear.
I am only on week two of taking this medication. I do not know how it will affect me in the future. Every person deals with the tension of the 'social contract' that binds us from birth - I guess my actions and thoughts have been judged to be out of bounds and now I am paying the price.
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