Subjective Effects of Psychedelics Survey
Researchers at the Psychedelic Research Lab at
Monash University, Australia are conducting a survey
about the subjective effects of classic psychedelics
(LSD, Psilocybin, Mescaline, Ayahuasca, & MDMA).
Check out the Survey
The Scariest Fucking Experience of My Life
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Tracey
Citation:   Tracey. "The Scariest Fucking Experience of My Life: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp54607)". Erowid.org. May 20, 2019. erowid.org/exp/54607

 
DOSE:
1 tablet oral MDMA

BODY WEIGHT: 135 lb


A few months ago my boyfriend and I bought Ecstasy from a girl I go to school with. I was extremely eager to try it for the first time because, oddly enough, I had never heard one negative thing about it.

We met the girl in a Best Buy parking lot, and I couldn't help but feel sleazy. Although I have tried several drugs in my lifetime and smoke Marijuana every so often, I had never actually bought drugs before. The Girl told us to chew a tiny bit off the pill before swallowing it, and that if our tongues went numb, that meant we would have an allergic reaction, but if not, we would be fine. She also informed us that hydration was a must and that sugar would help us come down faster, if we found that a necessary path to take. Although I currently have no idea whether or not any of her information was accurate, it all seemed reasonable at the time.
I currently have no idea whether or not any of her information was accurate, it all seemed reasonable at the time.


When she drove off, my boyfriend eagerly pulled out the two pills that he had slyly shoved into his pocket. One was purple with some sort of symbol on it, and one was green with a mudflap silhouette of a lady on it, but we had been told that they were exactly the same. My boyfriend drove us back to his house and we both ran up to his room, closed the door, and got ready.

First, we cut our pills into quarters (I had the purple one) and each chewed up a little corner. The taste was absolutely awful and bitter beyond belief, but nothing happened, so we swallowed the remainders of our pills. While we were waiting for any effects to kick in, my boyfriend lied on his bed watching TV and I sat in a swivel chair at his desk, downloading music on his computer. I decided to download Bad Religion's All Ages because it had been my favorite album in 6th grade and I felt like taking a little stroll down memory lane.

I was getting bored watching each individual song download, and after about an hour my boyfriend starting acting sort of funny. Funny as in bounching-off-the-walls-uncontrollably-hyper-funny. He was jumping around and laughing and giving me hugs, and then he started frantically digging around in a drawer full of cords and cables. I thought this was sort of funny, but I was also getting annoyed and impatient because I wasn't feeling anything at all. Then about twenty minutes later it hit me. It literally HIT me. It hit me like a train or a punch in the face or any other analogy you could think of. It hit me HARD. I had never felt that way in my life. All of a sudden I was uncontrollably hyper, too. I couldn't stop shaking my legs or moving my head. If I tried to stop moving it would actually physically hurt. And I could just feel everything. I could feel the music flowing through my body and if I touched my chest it felt like the beating of my heart was being transferred into my hand, so it was like I had a heart beating in my hand. And I could feel the air. My boyfriend and I joked about trying to eat the air because it just seemed like such a solid presence. Everything I felt was just insanely intense. I almost started crying because it was like my eyes had been closed my whole life, and now they were finally open and I could see everything for the first time, and I was feeling everything for the first time. Everything was so deep and significant that I didn't know if I could handle it. It was a beautiful feeling, but at the same time very frightening.

Then I went off into a dark and horrifying place. I could physically feel my mood just drop, and I could visualize it falling off of a ledge. I looked at my boyfriend and I had slight tunnel vision. I was so scared and confused, and I felt like my mind had left my body. My mind was in some corner of his room and I had absolutely no control over my body. I thought this meant that I was dying. I thought that I was watching myself die.

I told my boyfriend that something was wrong. 'What do you mean?' He asked. I told him that there was just something wrong and that I thought that I needed help.
I told him that there was just something wrong and that I thought that I needed help.
I was panicking because I could feel myself slipping away and that I didn't have much time left. What worsened things for me was the look of absolute horror on his face. I have never seen anyone so scared in my life. But he managed to stay calm and he layed me down on his bed and rushed downstairs to get me some water and something to eat. While I was lying there I completely lost it. I was absolutely positive that I had overdosed or had an allergic reaction and that my boyfriend was going to find me dead. I started thinking about how disappointed my mom would be if she found out what I had done, and then I started thinking about heaven and hell and where drug users went when they died.

When my boyfriend came back he brought me sugar water and yogurt. The thought of a 'cure' helped calm me down, so I chugged the water and had a few bites of the yogurt, and I was able to sit up and talk instead of just lie there in complete and utter horror and paralysis. Then my boyfriend started to sweetly talk to me and rub my back, and I smiled and told him that I was feeling much better, I just needed him to stay with me and not leave, not even for a second. And his hand on my back felt so wonderful it was damn near orgasmic.

Then my sense of bliss completely disappeared again, this time my horrible feeling, although less shocking, was even more terrifying. This time there were more physical symptoms, as well as mental agony. I couldn't get myself to stop shaking, and I was just freezing to death, so I was curling up in blankets, but my boyfriend opened his windows and kept trying to take the blankets away because he said that I was sweating and felt incredibly hot. Then I started clenching my teeth really badly. My jaw was making this insanely loud popping noise and my teeth were gritting together, so my boyfriend told me to chew on his wallet so that I would'nt hurt myself.

Then I got this awful sinking feeling in my stomach, and it was like the deepest depression I'd ever felt multiplied by thirty. And I began to panic again, afraid I was going to die. Then my tongue went numb and I lost it. That was my delayed allergic reaction and now I was going to die for sure.

My boyfriend called the girl that had sold it to us and all I could hear was him loudly demanding 'Is she going to be okay?!' I was leaning into him and I squeezed my eyes shut and could feel hot tears pouring out, and I just started saying over and over 'I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die.' I was still chewing on his wallet and shaking uncontrollably. My boyfriend kept telling me 'sweetie, I'm gonna need you to stop shaking, okay? Tracey, stop shaking.' And I thought that shaking meant something was horribly wrong that only he knew about. I coudl'nt understand why else he would so badly want me to stop shaking.

When he was on the phone I could hear the girl on the line directing him to talk about happy memories, so he started to rub my back and talk me back to funny stories and fun things we had done together. This calmed me down alot, and I started to feel better again. This continued to happen throughout the night, but each time was less severe, and it eventually petered off into a deep, sad, melancholy feeling that I just couldn't shake.

Embarrassingly enough, I had to floss pieces of his leather wallet out of my teeth (some vegetarian I am) and when I looked in the mirror I was totally shocked by how huge my pupils were. I almost couldn't see any color in my eyes at all, just gigantic black pupils. I literally looked like a tired, deranged cartoon character. When it came time for my boyfriend to drive me home, I was feeling almost normal. Just exhausted and kind of sad. When we got to my house we lied on my bed together, tired and both in shock from the scariest night either one of us had ever experienced.

He asked me how I was feeling and I said 'I'm feeling alright. Almost normal now.' And he smiled and said 'Yeah, that's the real high.'

Exp Year: 2006ExpID: 54607
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: May 20, 2019Views: 1,033
[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Switch Colors ]
MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Difficult Experiences (5), Health Problems (27), Depression (15), Small Group (2-9) (17)

COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
TERMS OF USE: By accessing this page, you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving written permission prior to your downloading the data.

Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.


Experience Vaults Index Full List of Substances Search Submit Report User Settings About Main Psychoactive Vaults