Citation: Sean. "Emotional Insights of a Roll: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp54323)". Erowid.org. May 2, 2007. erowid.org/exp/54323
Rather than presenting an account of a single roll, the following is my attempt to put into words some of the more powerful and complex feelings I have experienced since I began using E about 4 months ago.
The initiation of E in my life coincided with my introduction to the world of clubbing and raving. Although I initially felt skeptical of introducing powerful new drugs into my body in such a populated and uncontrollable setting, the sheer empathetic force of the drug overwhelmed any feelings of discomfort and replaced them with a sort of pure serenity. At one rave I was able to actually feel certain auras surrounding people which my mind would then label as either “beautiful” or “good”. I compulsively felt the need to tell these people how “good” or “beautiful” they were. The smiles on some peoples faces as they were reminded of their own pure essence only served to enhance my roll.
On one occurrence I remember seeing a girl of about 20 in a wheelchair out on the dancefloor. Obviously something tragic had occurred to her because the lower half of her body was not there. This however did not dim her enthusiasm to dance because wheelchair or not she was seriously rocking some moves. The fact that someone in that condition was still able to come out to a club and be a serious part the atmosphere kicked my energy and roll into unprecedented depths of furious dancing.
Ironically at my very first rave, I ended the night stumbling onto the streets of downtown Washington DC forced by the shove of an irritated bouncer. I vaguely recall doing the “E walk” around the club (the swaying gait, the half smile plastered on the lips, the sweaty complexion etc.) when a bouncer grabbed me by the shoulder and asked what I was fucked up on. The combination of his authoritative demeanor as well as my own trusting state of mind led me to the conclusion that I should simply tell him that I was on ecstasy. Expecting a pat on the back, and perhaps a short friendly dialogue, one can only laugh at the probable look of surprise on my face as I was instantly propelled out the door accompanied by a not too friendly “ STAY OUTTA MY CLUB”. Although most would think this too obvious to need to be stated, when cornered by a bouncer, simply tell him your on nothing but the music, (busting out a little dance never hurts your case either).
Upon reflection, I feel that the use of this drug has seriously changed my perspective on life, as well as helped me to appreciate some of the finer qualities of certain individuals. As this summer comes to a close I know that I am going to have to reduce the frequency of my use of this drug to not more than once every six months. The insights I have gained however, will I believe stick with me.
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