Citation: Aspiring non-addict. "It's Over: An Experience with Cocaine (exp54274)". Erowid.org. Oct 19, 2009. erowid.org/exp/54274
||(powder / crystals)
I first tried cocaine when I was on vacation. My experience goes against any of my morals and anything I was taught growing up. I picked it up from complete strangers and can't give a reasonable excuse as to why I decided to try it. I remember them telling me that if I was ever going to try it, now would be the time. It was pure, very clean looking and after all they kept saying I was 'in good company'. The first line was almost embarrassing for me, but I went for the second one to show that I could do it, to show I could fully experience the drug. I didn't even feel that bad about it. After all I was on vacation and I had already made the decision I wasn't going to make a habit of it.
So 2 lines later, I tried it and it was done. Everyone kept talking and hanging out but I didn't want to be around anyone at all. I almost just wanted to excuse myself because I was into what the drug was actually doing to my body. I wanted to know what the effects were so that I knew what people were talking about when drugs were the topic of conversation. Maybe I didn't feel the full effects because I had been drinking, who knows but I was on my way back home when I decided to just keep that experience in the past.
I had never seen coke at home, never been offered it even. No one talked about it and no one did it. One night 2 months later I was hanging out with one of my friends and a group of his friends. There was another girl there and I knew all of them did pills but that was something I was never into, even when it was right in front of my face. I think the thought of just popping a pill scares me cause I don't really know what it is. Anyway the girl and I got to talking about drugs and what we have tried and she said she had cocaine on her and that we could do it together. I guess because I was drunk that other time I said ok because I didn't really think of that experience as my first time since I didn't really feel the effects of anything. Looking at the coke, too, it didn't seem that bad to me. It was clean looking and white, didn't burn, and while all the other people were 'popping whatever pills' I wasn't like them, I felt like I was doing something on a completely different level from them and that I was more classy about it. I know that sounds ridiculous but I really felt that way. And I always heard Coke was a rich person's drug because it was more expensive than anything else.
Well I tried it that night, and tried a lot of it. It was great. Prob one of the best conversations in my life and unlike smoking pot in high school, what we were talking about was life situations and more substantial information. We were exchanging experiences and enjoying each others company. I didn't feel bad about it because I didn't see all those negatives you undergo when you are drunk or high off pot. Yeah it was hard to fall asleep that night but I did eventually and the next day I was thinking, wow what a great experience, I want to do that again.
Coke for me was different than how others describe it is for them. I kept it from all my friends and family, yes, but I liked that it was like I was living this double life. I never did it around my boyfriend because I didn't want him to know. I learned my lesson because once I did do it when we were out and I wouldn't touch him after. No touchy-feely happy couple TLC moments with us, I wouldn't kiss him, prob because I was just so irritable.
I only wanted to do it with the people who brought it to me the first time back at home. And the nice thing was that even tho most complaints about the drug have to deal with the price of it, that wasn't a problem for me. My friend always got it from her boyfriend and even when I couldn't get it from her, one of my guy friends always just gave it to me because he already knew it was a big deal I did it and wouldn't do it with anyone else and he knew the first time I tried it and made a habit of doing it was at home after the time I hung out with all of them. A major plus for me was the fact that all of them had disposable money. So paying was not an issue for me. Yes, later into my addiction I had paid for it a couple times through some dealer but money never became an issue for me.
In the beginning it was good and under control, in the end it was bad, really bad. I ended up ruining relationships, hurting my family and hurting myself. Now it's been a week and I haven't had anything. I don't know why I ever got into it or why I kept it going. I recognized my problem when I started doing it alone and stayed up all night and when my family found it. I wish it never got that far though, I wish I could have stopped it before then. I don't know why I felt so invincible and like the shit was never going to hit the fan but it hit and it hit hard. I want to stop so bad, I have to. I read somewhere that in the first clean month a depression hits like no other. I just hope I can handle it. I'm just shy of my 22nd year of life now and hope that this will be one of those horrible experiences I can learn a valuable lesson from and never EVER repeat. I can only look forward past my near future and pray that I stopped in time before it got really bad... I can't even in my sober mind give a thought to how bad it could have really gotten. My reality check was a blessing and I hope for anyone out there reading this that my story can help you write the last page of yours.
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