Citation: 12. "Gods of the Damned: An Experience with LSD & Cannabis (exp53518)". Erowid.org. Apr 20, 2007. erowid.org/exp/53518
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Hmmmm where does one begin. T_T Valentines day this year, sitting at a mates house, 4 of us, waiting eagerly for our sheet of crunchy yumess to arrive, smoking bowls all morning. Finally arrives at about 12ish, after the mad grab and snatch is over I rip off 6 and slide them under my tounge. I quickly rush outside to down a few more cones before it was fruitless.
After the aniexty chills start to run up my neck I retreat back inside to watch some tv as the amazingly bitter taste in my mouth starts to intensify. We have had these tabs before, and I had experimented with them a plenty after end of school exams, so I had a good idea in my mind what to expect from 6 at once. The problem was, I was horribly wrong, it soon became apparent to me that thinking I could calculate how high I would get was fucking retarded, as acid is acid.
Still watching Tv about 45 min in, my jaw felt as if it was being streched from my mouth to the ground. This then started to turn into excrutiable pain and I swallowed them. My 3 friends who had taken 1, 2, 3 tabs respectively were starting to notice I was beginning to come up and started joking around to calm me down, this worked a little, then I went and layed down on the floor on my side as my jaw felt too heavy to stand anymore.
Lieing on the ground my trip suddenly lurched into full gear, and the world started to warp all around me though I was quite comfortable. If any of you know the cover art for the tool album lateralus my vision was surroned with those eye like drawings that are continually joined up, this flowed right around me and seemed to be intergrated into everything I saw. My mates at this time were playing need for speed:most wanted for some reason. It was at this point the synaesthesia kicked in and and instead of feeling the carpet my head was rubbing against I was hearing roars from some sought of animal. I cant remember how long I was actually content lying there, but it was interupted by everyone wanting to listen to music instantaneously, so we all got up and began searching for something to listen to.
From this point on all information is from what I remembered from the day, what I have remembered from then to now, what other people have told me, and from flashbacks, this is my story,
It was probably only a couple of seconds before I forgot what I was doing and was just randomly walking around the house backwords and forth watching everyone pass me, everyone laughing. No matter where I seemed to go, there always seemed to be a path for me to walk down, even though I was certain the way I was going would lead to a dead end. This felt like it went on for about an hour, but I had absoutely no caring on the matter, till it dawned to me that this was the only thing I could remember doing for a very long time. I suddenly got VERY scared. But I could not stop walking, I went faster and faster, and I could of swore I was just continually going in a straight line with my friends just passing by me, smiling, muttering something that when I tried to listen to just sounded like jibberish.
I set a goal for myself to get away from everyone and lie down, eventually I found the bunk beds in the lower room and just crashed there, for how long I was there before I was disturbed I dont know. The next part of the trip I remember very little of probably because nothing life threatening happened, as I just stayed in this room, lying on the ground, coming down a bit from the first peak talking to a sober friend who had just joined us. All I remember was talking about past trips while fucking, and that his face looked like ned flanders did after homer ate insanity peppers. As I started to peak again, I totally forgot I was on acid and asked apperently the same question over and over,
'Guys I feel weird. What the fuck have we done. Were on drugs arent we'
'What are we on'
'The thing that makes you go mmmmmmmmmmm'
This was the only conversation that I had with my friends, repeated exactly the same way time and time again, as I tripped around in my own world happily and oblviously. For some reason, I'm not quite sure, the visuals died down a bit, but the mental aspect of the trip kicked up about 50 notches. I forgot who I was, where I was, How any human functions worked (eating, breathing, fridges). Its hard to desribe how I felt, but it was a mixture of fear, total confusion and acceptance.
Now what I have failed to mention up to this point, is that my girlfriend broke up with me the week before, whom I was dearly attached to for a plethora of reasons, but thats another story. And for the first time of the day I started to dwell on it. Why I could remember this and not who, what, why, where is still a mystery to me. As analytical thoughts go on acid, I started to feel pretty shit and walked into the bottom room which turned into a completle different offplanet mining cave as soon as I entered, I really didn't give a shit though, and I jus sat there and went into the 'acid zone' where I just totally drifted away from my body and just thought about the world, life, existence, purpose etc etc.
Somehow, and piece by piece is revealved to me everyday, I mapped from me losing my girlfriend, to the purpose of the universe, in one big circle, and as it clicked I was separted COMPLETELY from my body to what I thought was 'gods view' at the time, where I was watching humanity, thinking omfg what a pathetic existence, this made me then turn around to myself and anaylse my own existence, realising that everything I did was completely futile and the only thing that ever made me happy was my girlfriend.
At this point, my removed self as god, removed itself from my removed self, and started to talk to me, spilling its guts about how the universe is just a joke, and that we are all just meanigless spotches when looked at from a 'proper' other worldy viewing. I asked him what he meant, he just smiled and then everything got very fast all of a sudden and I was pulled back into a swirl of colours then black.
When I regained conciousness, I had abosutely no memory of what had just transpiered, that I had taken any drugs that day, and I 100% believed that I was dreaming. I laughed to myself at how vivid my dream was and walked outside to be amazed at how detailed everything was, and that my friends were here in my dream too. I suddendly got the urge to put 'consume things' I dont think it was hunger, but I just wanted to put things in me. The problem was I had no idea how, blaming this on the dream, I tried to digest a cone with my mind, slamming my head into a frozen meat pie, consequently running around madly as I couldnt understand why I couldnt fix the increasing urge to consume that I was feeling.
My friends at this stage made the logical assumption that I was 100% off my head and that I was to be watched no matter what. Somehow I got away from them, and started to make coco pops as soon as my friend (whos house it was) came into the kitchen, I got 1 frame of knowledge, I guess you could call it, of what knowledge was bestowed upon to me in my god to god talk. The scene that then progressed, of my friend telling me off for spilling coco pops everywhere, was already in the back of my head (so I thought) and that I was playing out word for word for what I thought. This scared the living shit out of me, as random images flashed into my head of what had transpired.
Was this a dream? What was happening? How did I just know exactly what was about to happen? Freaked I ran out the door with my friends fresh on my heels, I forgot all about what had just occoured, and we walked to another mates house for a change of scenery. Upon ariving there, I remembered what just happened, tipped out all the water they were trying to use to fill the bong for some reason, and just piss bolted, according to them, faster then anything they have ever seen before, off into town.
'I'm dreaming, I must be dreaming, this is all just a stupid dream.' To prove this to myself I walked into 7/11 and stole candy bars and just walked out eating them, totally ignoring the people shouting behind me. I then walked down to the corner store and stole an icecream, upon which the owner confronted me, and in a very life like manner told me off. This then threw me off, as the thought of 'This isn't a dream.' creeped into my head.
I ran to the train station, hoping to catch a train home, as home I guess symbolies some thought of saftey. I thought I could give the dream testing one more go, by randomly grabbing some chick and making out with her. Luckily the surrealness of everything around me, and the chick next to me, looking at me as if I was some drugged out kid =p, convinced me otherwise. I took the train, making very careful not to miss my stop, because just like in a dream, life seems to be stopped and moving all at once.
Once I got to the train station I SPRINTED the 3km uphill to my house, where again, I was convinced I was dreaming, my brother was home. But then it happened. I saw the time, I saw what was on T.V. and realised that in no way this could be a dream, at this moment the whole day just came crashing back onto me. In a paniced rush I rang my ex, I have no idea why, and as soon as she picked up, just like the cocopops, I felt as if every word she said, every noiance in her voice I knew. Then it clicked.
The universe stopped moving, and started to revolve around me, and every single event that happened, is happening and will happen was thrust into my brain. The pain of this was completely un imaginable, I hit the deck holding my head trying not to scream. The visuals at this point had all but subsided. After I got up, I 'watched' the universe move forward while I remained 'still' in time, space whatever. The depression/dread/w.e that hit me cannot be put into words. Life is scripted, I have all the knowledge of it, hence life is pointless to live.
I looked at my family, put on my shoes and walked out onto the road, cursing everyone for there ignorance, those fucking lucky fools. I had to die. I felt there was no choice in the matter whatso ever, living with this kind of feeling was not even a remote option in my head. I looked for a high ledge to jump off found none, a car turned the corner, I sat, watched, till it came just close, ran and jumped sideways into it. No thoughts, no flashbacks of my life, my brain draw a complete naught, as the car hit and I blacked out.
I regained conciousness, I'm guessing 10 min in, as the ambulance was next to me and people were standing all around me, I looked to the side of me and saw that I was lying in a pool of my own blood, my knee looked as if it had been shatted. I felt 0 pain. I had 0 thouhts. I was taken to the hospital, were it wasn't till I was actually in intensive care till I finally thought something which was 'Fuck, as soon as I get out of here, I'll need to find something tall to jump off.'
A psych eventually came up to me and asked me to go over what had happened, and I told him pretty much everything. But then I thought to myself. No. That was a grave mistake. If life is scripted, and I lived, then I must of lived for a reason. This, I figured, is why no one can ever know the meanning of life, as once they know it, it drives them to suicide.
He then got on the phone and started to talk to someone. I thought I overheard him talking to some dude about how I was the one they had been looking for. The only thing that I thought he could be on about, was that I was the chosen one, that all knowledge of the universe was stored on my brain and that people were going to come in the night capture me, and use my brain as a means to take total control of the world, thus throwing it into total choas.
If that day I felt the saddest anyone could ever be, that night I felt more scared then anyone could ever be. I sat in my room, with a screw I had winded out of the drawers next to me in one hand, waiting to stab the person in the face that was going to come and get me in the middle of the night. The problem was I also had no sleep the night before. Yet I stayed awake all night, the mins ticking by as if they were hours, freaking out of my fucking mind, till morning finnaly came and I was completly sober.
The outcome was a broken back, as well as my back being cut to shit (I have the most intense scarring), but my knee was fine, just bloodied. This event has totally changed my life and the way I think, it triggered mutiple mental disorders, and for at least 30 min everyday, I become completely detached from reality and just anaylse it like I do on acid. Everytime I think of my ex, or see her I get flashbacks that 1 out of 3 times cause me to vomit. The only positive thing I have gained out of this is a profound understanding of people, life and how they work, despite not feeling human myself.
I could of put alot more into this, but its hard to remember it all at once, bits and pieces come to me randomly.
Despite all this I still went raving three days later and candy flipped.
And that was Valentines day 2006
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