Citation: Muriel. "Helped Me Become Someone That I Can Love: An Experience with LSD (exp5345)". Erowid.org. Aug 20, 2001. erowid.org/exp/5345
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I decided I wanted to try LSD for a lot of reasons. I had some hang-ups about being naked that frustrated me and my new husband John. He couldn't understand why I still had problems trusting him, and neither could I. I was so jealous of people who felt free enough and comfortable enough with themselves to be able to display their bodies without feeling terrified or even the least bit nervous. I also had this underlying self-hatred that just drove me crazy. I wanted to have the confidence in myself that everyone else appeared to have.
For a year I had been working on making it better. John was my largest motivation because I could see in him how frustrated he was with me. I got to a plateau where progress was no longer being made. My need for control had trapped me. I was in the position where I had to give up very precious comfort in order to go forward, and I just couldn't do it. I decided that LSD was the answer, like electroshock therapy was for the insane.
John was getting more and more annoyed with me about my strong desires to use LSD. He has used it a few times in his life, and he knew what it was all about. Because of my terrible reactions to marijuana the thought of me on LSD terrified him. He told me I was obsessive, and I probably was. I was so very anxious to change, and I knew he would be so much happier with me once I did.
It was difficult to actually get my hands on the drug. My brother who uses drugs very liberally was no help at all, but was anxious to get his hands on whatever I was able to get. He offered to try it out first to determine how much I should take, and whether it was safe or not. My friend pulled through for me beyond my expectations and finally I had it in my hands.
Within a half-hour of telling my brother about it, my brother had it in his mouth. The next day he gave it his stamp of approval. What was left of the strip of paper was a little less than an inch and a half. My brother took about a half-inch square. He recommended that I cut up what was left of the paper into five pieces and then take one piece. I told John to cut up what was left into thirds because a fifth didn't seem like enough to me.
Then out of the blue John asked me if I wanted to take it now. I couldn't believe he suggested it, especially after all the fights we had had about me doing it at all. I dropped one of the three papers under my tongue at 3:00 PM (Presidents Day) and we watched Big Top Pee Wee. An hour passed and I was feeling in a particularly good mood, but I wasn't seeing anything, and it seemed like nothing was happening. I told John I was feeling pretty disappointed, and that perhaps my brother was lying about the strength of the drug. After an hour and a half John amazingly suggested 'Still nothing? OK Take another and I'll take the last one.' The movie was hilarious and bizarre, and occasionally scary. At the end I remember laughing and laughing at the image of an elephant in overalls. John said 'Now that's just WRONG!'
At 5:00 PM I was feeling pretty stoned. I had noticeable shakes and the walls started breathing around me. I also felt like I was in the best mood of my life. We put in some music and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Time started crawling at an incredibly slow pace. I snuggled up to John and relaxed. My mind started to float away. I was enjoying this non-thought and the feeling of John's body next to me was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I tried to play the piano and the sound of it was strange and new. I was still able to play when I wasn't thinking, but when I concentrated the music just slowed to a halt. We had a hard time finding CDs to play because they either had skips or they just stopped in mid-song. Then I realized that I didn't quite know what I was, where I was, who I was, what we were doing. The only thing that I knew was that I was in a living room, assumed to be MY living room. As for the rest of the universe, it wasn't there. All there was was that room and the only other person who existed was John. My ability to communicate was shot, and everything we tried to say to each other echoed in my mind until it made no sense, while at the same time it made more sense than anything has ever made sense. Every attempt at conversation left me laughing. I was smiling so much my lips started to tremble from the effort. I watched the curtains in the living room flow like liquid into itself. Bright and neon green. The walls around me towered to a point where I felt like I was only a foot tall.
We were smoking like crazy, because time had slowed so much it seemed like there was a smoke in my hand for hours at a time. He complained about how much I was smoking, but in between smokes it felt like there had been at least a half-hour of non-smoking. When I moved the cigarette around it had what I would call a 'chaser tracer'. I'd watch the cherry of the cigarette move, then a bright red spark would chase it wherever I moved it. I figured that one of my eyes was following the smoke a little slower than the other.
I had to make a trip to the bathroom due to waves of nausea. The walk through the hall was very long, and I thought I would be walking forever. The walls pulled away from me the more I walked. In the bathroom I stared into the sink with the water splashing onto the drain. The water appeared to make the metal drain plug melt as if it was acid rain. I turned and looked at the bright yellow shower curtain and it breathed and flowed like the curtains in the living room, like liquid. I lost the feeling of having to throw up and I decided I was just making myself sick by thinking about sickness. I came back to the living room and hugged up to my husband again.
I tried to explain to him what it was like for me. How reality wasn't reality anymore, and how I didn't know what our purpose was or what we are supposed to do the next day or the day after. I so appreciated his ability to hear what I was saying, and to respond appropriately. Then it seemed like I was looking at myself from above, out of my body. I floated there for only a moment, blinked, and was back in my body.
I felt so much love for John then, that it swallowed me. No emotion I have felt was ever that strong. All I could say was that I loved him, that I trusted him, that I needed him. As confused as my words sounded to me as they came out, John seemed to understand me completely. I felt that he and I were connected through our minds. By the time I started to understand what an earth was, and that we were on it, I realized that my mind was being pieced back together after a complete loss of reality. I subconsciously decided that this was the best time to rewrite myself, to change myself to be what I always wanted to be. I didn't even remember what was wrong with me but I knew I had the ability at that very moment to change myself. I talked out loud to myself saying 'I am beautiful, I love myself' regardless if I thought I believed it or not, and regardless of how corny it was. Then I took off my clothes and said 'I'm not afraid to be naked, I like being naked'. This was in the full light that was always my enemy. John embraced me about the waist and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I was able to wander around the house, in the light, completely nude, and even though I felt frightened I knew that nobody would hurt me, because remember the only other person in the world (the living room was the world) was John.
I wanted to lie down in the bedroom because the music was too intense and the light was bright. We lay down and talked for a long time, never quite making much sense. He started kissing me and his lips were wonderful and soft. Suddenly I realized that we were having sex, and I laughed my ass off at the thought of it. It seemed like such a ridiculously silly thing to do that I couldn't help but laugh. I never knew I was turned on in the least, but sure enough I was wet. Every one of his moans shot this intense pleasure through me as if everything I did to please him pleased me as well. I thought about how primal it was, like we were animals, which we are. I thought about how wonderful it would feel to have a baby growing inside me, and he said 'I want to fill you up with babies' which was incredibly romantic in the moment. The bedroom had this strobe-light effect of flashing light. The light was as blinding as the darkness.
I got dressed, and made the bed. I loved the softness of the blankets and I wanted to roll around in them for a while. I followed John into the living room and I was completely amazed that the CD player was still playing the CD that I put on earlier. How could this be?!? That seemed like 10 hours ago!! John insisted that he had pushed play on the CD again and that it had started over, but I thought 'You are so screwing with my head John!'
John decided he was going to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. I didn't like this idea at all. I didn't know how hard he was tripping, if he knew what he was doing at all, and if anyone would know he was on drugs. I sat and thought about this for what seemed like forever, and I just couldn't grasp the idea of John going to the store without me to buy smokes. I made a valiant effort of trust in him and said against all my of instincts 'OK John, go to the store and I'll wait here alone'. The thought of being all alone seemed frightening to me, as well as the thought of John out there all alone. I imagined him wandering off into the woods and getting lost, and at that moment I almost ran outside to try to find him. Another valiant effort kept me inside to wait for him, because I had to trust him. And sure enough he came back home safe and sound.
We lay down in bed together and watched the hallway. The ceiling looked like it reached down to the floor, and the door in the hall was morphing around in a neat kind of way. Then the light of the hallway compared tothe darkness of the bedroom that we were lying in really had a cool effect. The doorway looked like a pool of water vertical to the wall, and the images of the hallway were only a reflection in the water, bobbing and rippling. John said I should look at this light bulb because it was the coolest. I decided the light bulb was turning around in circles like a surveillance camera. It stretched out and I said 'It's a surveillance penis!'
Then I turned over and looked into the closet. It reminded me of being a child and how the clothes in the closet would morph into monsters. Sure enough there were monsters in that closet. There were little spiral bright rainbow dealies flying everywhere that were rather interesting as I peered into the closet. I saw skulls and spiders in there, so I decided to roll over again away from that. John was trying to tell me a story about the history of mushrooms and acid, but all I could pay attention to was his face and how it expanded and contracted in a scary kind of way. Then his face morphed into the face of a woman which was pretty funny to me at that moment.
John's trip was ending while mine wasn't, and I couldn't sleep. We attempted sex again which was fun but I couldn't come for the life of me. Then he lay down to sleep because he had to work the next morning and it was already 2:00 AM. I told him that I was so proud of myself for doing so well that day, and that my life would never be the same.
I tried to stay as still as I could while he started snoring away. I watched the images behind my eyelids that looked like stereotypical acid images like from Yellow Submarine. Happy flowers flowing into birds flowing into teddy bears, etc. I got up and went into the bathroom. There's a night light in there so I decided to leave the light off. The entire bathroom was very red. I stood there in front of the mirror and just stared at my nude body. I loved the way it looked with the red hue everywhere.
I finally fell asleep at around 4:00 AM, only to wake up at 6:45 AM to drive John to work.
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