Citation: Jade. "Cycles of Illusion: An Experience with Cocaine & Crack (exp52836)". Erowid.org. Jan 15, 2019. erowid.org/exp/52836
||(powder / crystals)
My experience with cocaine began like most other experiences. I was intrigued by what had continually been described to me as a euphoric, rushy, and glamorous way to get high. In high school, I had engaged in regular marijuana use, as well as done some of the psychedelics like acid and shrooms. I had always felt I should stay away from the 'harder' drugs like cocaine and heroin, but I had just entered college and their increasing popularity in my circles of friends made me bolder and more willing to try. I did my homework before partaking. I fully knew of the risks in addiction going into it. I told myself I had extreme self-control and that I would be strong enough to keep it in check. I made plans to buy one gram with a friend.
The first couple of lines were beautiful. In my days of marijuana and psychedelic usage, I had never really understood what was so attractive about those drugs. They didn't especially appeal to me. After snorting coke, I suddenly knew what the 'big deal' was. It was everything I had been seeking in a drug experience. I felt intense euphoria and a mental and physical rush like never before. My thoughts were focused and my inhibitions were gone. I was social on a level I never had been and much more confident. Needless to say, we finished that gram quickly. I immediately wanted more, but fought the urge to get some, recognizing the habit that I was already forming.
But I eventually did get some more, justifying that it had been awhile and that I had the money to spend. The next few months were marked by continual cocaine usage. I began spending more and more money on it, justifying and rationalizing all of my actions. As time went on, it started becoming more of a need, a desperation than it was simply recreational fun. But getting more cocaine was always the perfect solution to feelings of depression. When I felt like I was getting out of control, I would stop using for awhile and feel better about the fact that I could do it. I wasn't really addicted, I told myself.
About six months into my usage, I began dating someone who occasionally smoked crack. I had never tried it, scared of the highly addictive quality I had heard that it had. But I had been using cocaine and keeping it relatively under control, so I agreed to do it with him. He divided the amount he bought into two piles, amounting to about 10 'hits' each. I expected that smoking cocaine would be comparable to snorting it, so I thought I knew what I was in for.
I didn't know. Instantly after that first hit, I was high like I never had been before. Before even exhaling, it hit me with full force. It took my breath away- the best rush I had ever experienced. I was speechless for about five minutes. But then, I wanted more. Immediately. And I immediately did not like this feeling of intense craving. I went through my hits and was spiraling into heights I had never before gone. The craving to get more was too strong. It was too difficult. In the next week, I went through about $1000 buying crack cocaine. All I wanted was that next hit.
The craving to get more was too strong. It was too difficult. In the next week, I went through about $1000 buying crack cocaine. All I wanted was that next hit.
At the end of this intensely scary journey, I was broke and faced with the prospect of coming down.
Coming down was the worst experience of my life. Not only did I have to conquer the physical effects of the come down- I was jittery, paranoid, unable to sleep, and very depressed- but I had immense guilt over what I had done. I could not believe I had let this drug have so much control over me. I was disgusted with myself.
I will never again smoke crack. Since that experience, I have moved to another city to pursue my education. The psychological power of crack is so strong, that I still have intense cravings for the drug simply by driving back home and seeing familiar places. With powder cocaine, I still had a certain level of control. I never would have taken a week out of life to blow $1000 and fall into the deepness of depression and addiction over powder. Crack instantly had power over me and I wasn't strong enough to fight it. I remember before I tried crack, I would hear stories about people who were so hooked that they would spend hours with flashlights on the floor, searching for pieces of rock they may have dropped. I felt sorry for those people, but after trying crack once, I had become one of them.
Ultimately, I am glad I have had this experience. It opened my eyes to the power of substance abuse. The high is so intense, but it only lasts for a few minutes and the come down can be shockingly harsh and painful. In the end, it is so not worth it. It can fuck with judgement and make a person crazy- literally. It can make someone do things they never thought they were capable of. I learned my lesson the hard way. I wish I had avoided cocaine altogether. If I can help one person who reads this decide not to do it, my experience will result in some good in the world.
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