Citation: I Know Kung Fu. "Disturbing Candyflip: An Experience with LSD, MDMA, Alcohol & Diazepam (Valium) (ID 52777)". Erowid.org. Jun 9, 2007. erowid.org/exp/52777
I had been awaiting my first psycadelic experience for some time, digesting many many reports documenting bad trips, good trips, spiritual experiences etc. I got as much information on the effects of the drug, dosage, likely reactions and importance of set and setting as I could. I have been a regular marijuana smoker for around 2 years, and have had many experiences with MDMA over about 2 years, a few with nitrous, 2 low dose mushroom trips (threshold effects), 4-5 times on speed and 4-5 times with coke. I would say I am well accustomed to altered states of mind but by no means a seasoned drug user.
I am 18 years old and started getting interested in mind expansion and “opening the door” when I was around 16. Both my parents were heavy drug users in their youth, and my father now only smokes marijuana and considers himself an “acid casualty” and my mother is still an occasional user. My parents have been split since I was around 6 months old, they were never married and I have lived with my father all my life, seeing my mother regularly.
Neither of my parents have ever hidden anything from me or made drugs out to be terrible and evil since I was old enough to ask about it. They simply told me about the possible consequences, pros, cons and such, and left me to make my own mind up. My father was very restricting in the information he would disclose, his barriers immediately going up as soon as I mentioned the subject, but he was still honest with me after I pressed for answers. My mother was very much the opposite, being worried about me falling into the wrong crowds and doing things for all the wrong reasons. As soon as I displayed in interest in drugs and started asking questions with only the vague knowledge that she has been a user, she was very open to talk about them and asked me if I ever got offered them, but I was too young for that to have happened yet. She told me that if I ever wanted to try anything out, to come to her and that she would provide a safe environment and show me what to watch out for. She never encouraged the activity itself, she was just frightened by the prospect of me getting myself into some very uncomfortable, distressing, not to mention dangerous situations possibly with people I don’t know very well offering me things with nobody responsible around.
A few years after her very serious offer had been made, I came to her with a request for my first MDMA experience, and she accepted. The night was a huge success, bringing me a new found appreciation for my fellow human and the world in general. My mother an I developed a very close bond since and have indulged in one or two more MDMA sessions since. I was also eager to try LSD at the time, but she assured me I was not old enough yet and we would save it until I was 18. I was delighted with the opportunity to do this with someone I trust as much as my own mother, knowing that nothing would go wrong and feeling very safe, so I took her advice and postponed the first LSD experience.
2 years later, with my gained maturity, interest and understanding of the world, the cosmos, social mechanics and my mind itself. I felt I was ready for the be all and end all of drug experiences, the eye opener, the yin and the yang. I was very apprehensive the night I got off the train to meet her, we weren’t sure if we would dive straight in on my first night of staying with her so we mused the subject over 2 glasses of wine, catching up and all that. Eventually after flipping a few coins and taking a pill each the conclusion was reached that it was indeed time to fly.
I should probably point out here that my mother has just come off a 10 year hiatus from taking acid, due to an extremely intense and negative experience that left her shell shocked. She will now only take Acid with E, claiming that the E takes away the edge from the Acid leaving her feeling more relaxed and open to the experience, slimming the chance of slipping into the “bad trip” I’d heard so much about. So after considering the alarming prospect of taking 2 such intense drugs at the same time, I decided she knew best, and I’m not really sure whether it was the right decision.
I took the 4 blotters which I think was too much for my first experience, but my mother told me that she considered a full picture to be a normal trip on this particular batch, but I didn’t take into consideration that she is a seasoned LSD user and I have never even felt what it’s like to trip properly. The sun was still up when the effects of the Acid began to take hold. I was in awe by the colour shifting and pattern morphing on everything I was looking at. I could not stop smiling and giggling to myself, wrapped up in a blanket on the floor observing these strange visuals around the room.
I was slightly overwhelmed at the fast come up, as I had read LSD usually takes a long time to work, I felt myself getting higher by the minute, faster than I usually feel MDMA work. Within 1 hour of ingestion I was getting the full kaleidoscope effects very quickly morphing on the ceiling and walls. I was getting concerned of how intense this was going to be when I hit my peak, and this is when the first shadows of fear crept into my mind. I had never felt this before and I was finding it extremely intense. My mother advised we take another pill, trying to keep to 1 pill every 2-3 hours to keep us in a positive mindset.
About the time the second pill kicked in I think I hit the peak of the acid. My memory gets a little hazy at this point. I remember looking out of the windows of the French doors to the back patio and everything looked animated, the colour morphing looked very cartoony, things began to lose their “real world” like qualities and became more solid, fluorescent colours. I also remember at one point sitting the back garden with my field of vision almost totally covered in “red shift” like lines with yellows that appeared to be lingering tracers of one thing I saw, in amongst colourful swirls and morphing patterns, however I only remember this extreme intensity and visual impairment once during the night, shortly after taking the second pill and hitting my peak of the LSD.
Then the sun began to go down. As I sat in the front room watching the sun retreat behind the mountains I felt my happiness being drained out of me like the light from the sky. I did not find the prospect of the dark very frightening or intimidating, it was just that the sun light filled me with joy and brought life and energy to my surroundings. It was all downhill from here.
My memory is a shambles from this point onwards, but I remember becoming very distressed. I think the first thing to set my mind off was that I was very high off 2 good quality pills plus the LSD, I could not keep track of what I was doing in the slightest. My short term memory was a total loss, and this began to scare me at one point. I wondered if someone were to try and conspire against me, play with my head, it would be easy for them to do so, as I wouldn’t be able to remember anything 2 seconds later. I began to make very obscure, silly, negative mind connections about things that were happening.
My mother could see my condition was worsening and was getting concerned about me. At some points during the night I’m SURE that I could hear things she was thinking, which I received in standard speech like ways. The tone and harmonic structure to her voice seemed different also during these moments, very much distant. One of the first instances of this is I was sitting out the back trying to cool down (I get very hot from MDMA) when I heard this distant voice saying “Answer me, please answer me” from hearing that in such a way, and from my dream like state of intoxication, I became immediately convinced that I was having an out of body experience, and my real body was in the lounge lying unconscious, having OD’d. I KNEW that I was going to walk in there and see a paramedic over my body, I was VERY scared for that instant. I shouted to my mother and ran back into the living room just to see her turn around, startled and glad to see I was ok, and all of a sudden I was horribly and terribly confused. I had to just tell myself “I’m tripping, I’m tripping”.
Hearing my mother call out to me happened a few times over the night, whether it was an auditory hallucination or not I don’t know. I’d only hear it when I wasn’t in the room with her and she always seemed distressed, and glad to see me when I did see her after that. After this happened a few times I began making obscure mind connections again and became totally convinced at one point, that in reality I was an 18 year old boy lying in a hospital bed, having been comatose for many years. There was a psychic guide sitting next to my bed, penetrating my psyche as my mother, a huge figure for trust and safety in my life, and this psychic had manipulated my comatose dreaming for this to happen by conditioning my development through my life. It all led up to this one moment where I was meant to regain consciousness and I could hear her calling me from the real world.
I thought that the only way I was able to wake from this coma was through self substantiation. Realising of my own free will that I was in a coma and this world was not real. Only then could I “wake up”. Having to come to terms with the fact that my life up until this point has been a dream, all of my memories are fake is a frightening prospect when sober, needless to say I was in a dark place. I gave a couple of genuine attempts at “waking up” I even attempted to communicate to these “real world” people at one point.
My mother was also running around trying to find me the right CD, it being obvious to her I was not having a good time. She was trying to find that one little thing that can turn a bad trip around, like the right music or a spliff or something but I would not react to her or give any information. She kept repeating “You won’t give me anything that’s yours, you won’t give me input, please give me something YOU want” to which I would reply, “I don’t know”. Again with the silly mind connections, this worsened things for me, I became convinced that part of this sort of ritual process to “wake me up” included a sort of catalyst, some input from me like a particular song and such. At a few points my mother thought I should go inward and maybe I was resisting something, and tried to advise me as such. Of course, I took this in the totally negative way and thought she was trying to force me into an introspective space and that after my inward journey finished, I would awake in the real world. I was simply overcome by fear and would not co-operate or communicate with her so she did not know what was wrong.
Eventually she gave me a valium, to take the trip down a couple of notches. It seemed to work very well. Very soon afterwards all paranoid feeling left me and I was left feeling sort of comfy empty. My memory is also pretty much normal from that point onwards. I know I took another pill at some point during my trip before the valium as my mother thought that might help bring me out of the dark space I was in, but my memory is too hazy.
I’m not sure if taking the E was a good or bad idea. I might have had the same strange mind connections had I not taken the E, in which case the E probably stopped me from going even deeper in that scared, confused state. But at the same time, taking the E was the first thing to begin to make me concerned, as I felt totally helpless with my useless short term memory, which I’m sure the E was largely responsible for. I think maybe the combination of the 2 , and in such high doses, was simply too much for me.
But something I also take into consideration is those strange “panic moments” I sometimes get on E, I think may seriously contributed to my negative experience. Sometimes on E I have had these weird little moments not too un similar to the obscure mind connection is experienced in this occasion where something will be said by someone in the room, and this one little thing like a slightly serious expression on their face or a short silence in the room afterwards will give me the impression that something seriously, seriously bad has just happened, and I have a little moment of extreme panic, before it goes away again. I have also had strange hallucinations on E that happen rarely but even on E they are always strange and make me feel uncomfortable. I think that these things happening to me while on Acid took me to a very dark place whereas on E, I can forget about them in 2 seconds.
I would like to try acid on it’s own on my next trip, regardless of what my mother advises, everyone reacts differently to drugs, and I think candyflipping may just not be for me, or I think at least a lower dose of both drugs especially the E.
Thanks for reading.
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