A Year In A Trance...
Citation: Carnation. "A Year In A Trance...: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp51605)". Erowid.org. Jun 23, 2008. erowid.org/exp/51605
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My name is *Sara and I am 20 years old from Southern California. My experiences with ecstasy have been amazing, unforgettable, enlightening, and beautiful. I would like to tell you about the best year of my life, specifically the night that would really, as cliche as it sounds, change it forever.
A little background information about me.. I have been interested in drugs for as long as I can remember. I can recall sitting in 6th grade D.A.R.E. class reading the pamphlets and being so interested in the effects of the different drugs. I've just always been fascinated how they alter the body and mind in such unique ways. So as bad as this sounds, I've always known I would be one to experiment when the time and opportunities presented themselves. I also took a liking to the whole rave scene when I was about 13 so ecstasy was always very high on my list of things I wanted to sample.
Jump ahead 5 years. I'm 18 and somewhere along the way, things started to go downhill. I had been in a deep depression for a year and a half. All aspects in my life were falling apart (nothing to do with drugs). Family problems, I had dropped out of school, I had no body image, no self esteem, few people I could call my friend, and I was bitter and angry at the world. It was an absolute low in my life. I woke up everyday asking, 'What's the point?'
I sunk deeper into that hole until one random night. It was me, my friend Tony, and his friend Jo. Tony had known about me being interested in trying e, and he had met someone who was into it. He asked if I wanted to try it, of course I did. So after some hassle and me wondering if this was really going to happen or if it was too good to be true, Tony, Jo and I had 1 green omega each. Up to this point I had tried weed, alcohol, meth, and DXM (in the form of coricidin, stupid me). The coricidin trip had NOT been a pleasent one. It was the first and only bad trip I've had on anything to this day and it scared the shit outta me. I was a nervous wreck that night. I was scared and nervous and excited and anxious. I kept smoking bowls to calm down.
We prepared by dimming the lights, getting some music, getting plenty of water and soft things to play with. While they chewed theirs up, Tony's friend was experienced and told us it would hit faster, I swallowed mine whole because I was terrified of another bad trip and I didn't want it to hit me too quickly and scare me. HAH! If I had only known.
About a half hour after they chewed theirs up, they both started commenting on how good they felt. Tony even said to me, 'You're going to love this.' I felt nothing still. I started getting scared that mine wouldn't work and then I got a headache from being so anxious. I waited another 2 hours and still felt nothing but my head hurting.
At this point I was irritated and disappointed and I just wanted to get away from everyone. Tony and Jo's roll was over by now and I had not felt anything. I angrily declared that I was going inside to lay down. I went in and Tony came in and rubbed my back. It's funny, as soon as I was away from everything and everyone and in the quiet and I just relaxed and was getting ready to just fall asleep, I felt it. It came like a train. It felt very slight at first. I opened my eyes, sat up, felt my heart get faster, felt my body get tingly. I was confused and I looked at Tony. 'I think I finally feel it.'
At that moment, I stood up and a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and threw up a bit, and then I WAS ROLLING BALLS!!!! I wandered out of the bathroom feeling FANTASTIC!! Tony or Jo were not nearly as affected by it as I was, but then, I'm very small. I grabbed Tonys cat and was rubbing it like crazy. I kept talking and I wouldn't shut up about how good it felt. I was huggin on everyone and smiling and laughing and just having a ridiculously good time. Then Tony's friend Igor came back and saw that I was rolling and took us on a ride in his car.
We all piled into his car and he drove aimlessly while he put on some amazing trance music. My god, I nearly melted in that back seat. I had a blast that night. Not only was it amazing, but what I was going through at the time made me appreciate it even more. I hadn't felt happiness or love like that in so long. It kind of reminded me that I could still feel these things. It wasn't completely hopeless.
My first time wasn't so much life altering as it was just the beginning. Naturally, I wanted to do it again and I wanted to do it with other people because it WAS
such a fun drug. Soon, we had a small group that would roll on weekends. We had so much fun together just laughing and talking and bonding. Getting know someone on e is amazing and we really, really connect. For me, this was the first time I had a group of friends in a good while.
Meanwhile, I started noticing effects of the e when I wasn't even rolling. There was a powerful afterglow, I would feel absolutely refreshed and good about life for weeks afterwards. I started noticing the way I talked to people had changed. I was much more friendly, I was happier, I smiled more, I understood myself more, I felt comfortable in my own skin, I lost some weight, I felt pretty. I noticed my thought process was much smoother, I worried less. I was changing into a completely different person and I didn't really know why, but I knew e had some part in it.
I started rolling rather regularly, on average maybe once a week or every other week. Life just seemed to be getting better everyday. I was in awe how I had gone from one extreme to the other. I kept rolling, and it seemed like I learned something new every day. Everything was so much clearer to me, like someone lifted one giant curtain from over my eyes. It was an epiphany, and it may sound extreme that all of this came from a drug, but I had no idea how powerful it could be with the right environment, people, and intentions. I once read that one night on ecstasy is worth 100 sessions of therapy.
My first night was 16 months ago, and in that time I have rolled 49 times (I keep a journal of every time I have rolled). I never took more than one pill at a time, and
each roll has been a dream. I've met so many people, gone so many places, had so many good conversations, gone to raves and roll parties and just LIVED IT UP! I've never had so much fun or felt so good about life before. I was literally in a state of trance for the last year of my life.
Up until 4 months ago, there were never any sign of problems. But eventually, I noticed that it was becoming more of something I felt like I had to do to be happy instead of something fun. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had come to depend on it, and in my mind, I was addicted in a sense. It took me awhile to admit to myself that my habit was getting ridiculous and I needed a break, but eventually I came to my senses.
Up to this point, I have tried weed, alcohol, meth, DXM, many different e pills, coke, crack, heroin, mushrooms, acid, ketamine, salvia, hells bells, and tons of perscription pills. No drug comes close to the intensity, to the feeling of e. It's completely unique.
I have since cut back and I look forward to my first roll after a good, long break. Quitting is comparable to being broken up with by a lover. Because it really, really is like falling in love. I do not regret anything from this entire experiance, and I believe that trying ecstasy was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It helped me out of a dark period in my life and helped me to learn so much about myself. I am a happier, more confident person today because of my experiences.
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