Citation: Odden. "Transparency and Peace in Nothingness: An Experience with MDMA & 2C-B (exp50989)". Erowid.org. Mar 17, 2006. erowid.org/exp/50989
I had been thinking for a long time, that it was time for another solo trip. A lot of stuff has happened in my life the last 1½ year, so tripping alone would be a good way to see all the changes in a new light. So at 12:30 this day I took 120mg MDMA, and four and a half hour later I took 25mg 2cb, and when that kicked in, 10mg 2cb more. This is the report on the experience and the reflections I have done since that trip.
+00.00: 120mg MDMA orally taken. With some 5-htp. (I forgot to preload, so did it right after MDMA, when I remembered it.. It worked fine.)
Just waiting for things to happen.
All of a sudden I am totally in it. There is all of a sudden an utter feeling of peace and love and connectedness. The 5-htp made it feel as magic as the first time I took MDMA. Even though all my trips on MDMA has been magic, since I don’t take it that often, but there was an extra schmack feeling over it. I didn’t have any thoughts, everything just flowed by. At some point I felt like being social, so I got on the computer to chat with a few friends, but that got annoying, since I couldn’t focus on my experience. So I let go of that idea, turned up the music. The playlist consisted of Burnt Friedman, Rhythm & Sound, and Carbon Based Lifeforms, which was all very nice and floaty. I laid down on my mattress, and just enjoyed my own time. I didn’t, after that one time, feel at all any need to talk to anyone, I was totally in peace with myself, I needed nothing, I did my own thing.
An hour into this, I wanted to see my body, so I got naked, and got in front of a mirror. This was a good thing for me. I saw the decaying of the body, and how it will at some point be lost from me, and lie and rot in the dirt, but I was fine with all this. Nothing could be more perfect. I thanked the universe for having given me this opportunity to live in the body I was in. It is really not that bad :D. After 30 minutes of nakedness, I got cold, and put on clothes again. I sat back on the mattress and meditated. This intensified the MDMA, and I got more and more into the feeling of peace. Which was all I could experience. Nothing else. It was so perfect. This trip was very very personal, and just for me.
During the whole experience I took 5-htp 2 times, this made the comedown from MDMA go way more smooth than usual, I felt the effects going down very slowly, and there was no nostalgia or rush of anxieties on the comedown. It all went smooth.
+04.30: 25mg of 2cb taken orally.
Going around a little, waiting, and feeling a bit restless due to the beginning of the last half of the adventure.
+05.15: first 2cb kicked in, 10mg more taken. From here on, it rises for the next 30 minutes.
+05.45. Trip intense. I think I reached a plateau here.
It is hard to describe what happened from here on and until the trip ended. But I will try making it sound somewhat connected, and explain as good as I can the things I experienced.
I put on Shpongle – Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost, and lied down and closed my eyes. During this, I got into a lot of different spaces. At some point I feel like I am individuated into a lot of persons in a room that stretches from outer space to my inner head. There is a slight dialogue between the persons, and a feeling that they can’t hide anything from anyone. Everything is so transparent. I see a road made out of geometric fractalized visuals, and at some point two persons saying stuff. They don’t understand each other, and they laugh. I open my eyes. Was I alone, or was there someone in my room? No one of course. I close my eyes again. The same feeling of transparency and being individuated is still there. It feels like I can’t gather myself. Like everything is so diffuse. Who am I? What is this that experiences more persons? The voice I often connect with being my “Ego” or personae, seemed very impersonal, and I couldn’t connect to this voice. And there was no centre as “Me” any more. This lasted for some hours. At this time, I could not look at the clock and understand exactly what it was, and how long it had lasted.
I walked around and kept on asking myself, where is the centre, what is this diffused feeling? What am I trying to figure out anyway? No answers, just a demand to let go, and shut the fuck up… So after a while I got this. By doing this, I now saw a lot of beautiful images, lotus flowers made of geometrical fractals shining with, what I now call, divine light, same with deities, buddha like figures, showing me immense beauty. I felt rewarded. I felt gratitude. I felt humble.
In this state I decided to try to read. I picked up Meister Eckhart, and started reading “On detachment”.. Just after having changed the album to “The Mystery of the Yeti 2”. This took the trip to another level. After reading some on Eckhart's detachment-concept, being the most still and stable state of all. And the noblest of all virtues. The one closest to the ground of God. Almost Nothing! It reminded me of the concept of “transparency”, that I had just read about in Nishitanis thinking, a concept borrowed from Kierkegaard. What was connected with the concept, was the notion of the now opening up to Absolute Nothingness.
The tone of Eckharts writing (though in English) hit me quite deep. I lied down again and let go. I asked for nothing, I wanted nothing. I meditated on the concept of detachment and transparency and I felt a deep peace, a peace I have never before felt. So quiet and still. I saw, just as this happened, millions of universes before my eyes emptying themselves out into this Nothingness. And I was all at peace, connected to this Nothingness. The Nothingness that was the ground of all. That’s at least how it felt. I do think now, that it was just a deep deep peace, where I saw what I saw, and felt a connection to the cosmos on a certain level. I did not as such loose myself. Because I had never really been connected as a centre throughout the whole experience. But who had the experience then ? I honestly don’t know…
Having lied down like this for a while. I think almost throughout the whole “The Mystery of the Yeti 2”- album. I put on after this: Dj Jespar – A New Beginning. A 2 hour long dj set with some good chill.. Listened and enjoyed this for a while.. and enjoyed the peace…
I then started landing slowly. I don’t know how long into the experience this was... probably around 5 hours into the 2cb experience. I talked to my friend a little, and my girlfriend.. But felt so so tired. I couldn’t think much. I just needed to be a little alone. I relaxed some more with a Burnt Friedman album, and decided to go to bed. As a sleep-album I had put on “East of the River Ganges”.. But it didn’t last long until I fell asleep.. I think it was around 22.30-23.00…
That was my experience, and that is also, of course, my reflections, as they stand in the writing moment.
A few thoughts extra:
MDMA is a good drug for solo experiences. I didn’t feel, as written, any social needs.
Words can take one far. Words are not the truth, but they can catalyse deep experiences and insights. The days after this I have been feeling nice and restful. This is the first trip where I have been so uncentered, have had such a little notion of my own Ego - without being afraid. And I have felt safe, and rewarded, and loved. It has made me humble, and has made me want to practice detachment (;)) more. I will give before I get. And I will open myself to the process of life, and be at peace with it.
For now, I have nothing more to say.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.