Citation: OpiumDreamz. "Beyond Control: An Experience with Oxycodone & Opioids (Various) (exp49879)". Erowid.org. Dec 15, 2006. erowid.org/exp/49879
I write this story of my dance with opiates that quickly turned into an everyday struggle in hopes that I could change the mind of at least one person thinking that they can use these drugs recreationally and not become addicted, because I am here to tell you that you just never know.
When I was about 12 my mom began having terrible problems with her back that would plague her for the rest of her life. For the pain she was receiving 40 mg. oxycontin in a time released capsule (believe it or not). At the same time I had bad migraines and trouble sleeping so one night she emptied about half of a capsule into a cup of water that I drank. After about 25 minutes I felt the oncoming of the most beautiful relaxing warmth I have ever felt in my life. I easily could have slept but chose not to so I could enjoy this amazing new feeling. I wanted to feel like this for the rest of my life. Instead of sleeping I went downstairs and pocketed a handful of pills and took another one. Little did I realize then that this wonderful night would mark the beginning of a slow downward spiral of addiction.
Over the course of the next few years I only took the pills every few nights and never saw it becoming a problem as it seemed so harmless. Fast forward a couple years later and I catch a special on MTV about kids snorting this wonderful drug. I happen to have stockpiled some oxycontin, so I slip off to the bathroom and empty the contents of 2 40 mg. capsules onto the counter. I roll up my bill and quickly snort the white powder up my nose.
The euphoric rush came on much quicker and stronger than before. I felt as though I could take on the world and overcome any adversity. I was so optimistic about my life for the first time ever. This is where things really began to fall apart for me. I started using 2 to 3 times as much oxy as I did before and my mom's monthly prescription was lasting a week at most.
About a year later I met a girl who would soon be pregnant with my child. Not knowing how I could afford to support a child on my income I joined the army. After I got out of basic training we got married. After she had our daughter I moved them both to Virginia where I was stationed. We began fighting almost non-stop and to deal with the pressures of the military and being married and being a father I started using opiates constantly.
My mom would come down and bring me almost her entire prescription which had been doubled to 80 mg. capsules. I got so bad that I needed to snort about 500 mg. of oxycontin to relieve the pressures of my everyday life. When that would run out I would experience HORRIBLE withdrawls. I would get cold sweats, nausea, head aches, pains through out my whole body, sleeplesness, deppresion, and extreme irratibility. I couldn't deal with the withdrawals so I would hit the street spending thousands of dollars on many opiates such as fentanyl, morphine, and even the one drug I said I would never do ...heroin. My deppresion got so bad after I started shooting heroin that one night after I ran out I told my wife to pack up and get the hell out of my life, because I couldn't deal with her anymore. So she did.
At this point in my life I hated myself as a person so much that I wanted to die. So I cut my wrist wide open one night. I began bleeding profusely and my friend who was asleep in the other room woke up and called 911. They rushed me to the hospital and contacted the army who in turn put me in a rehab clinic. I stayed clean for about 9 months.
Staying clean was the hardest thing I have ever done. Everyday for 9 months I could not get the thought of opiates out of my head. It plagued me. During this time I was discharged from the army and seperated from my wife. I never stopped thinking about how opiates would ease the pain of my everyday life. The thoughts got so bad that I finally started using again.
That was a year and a half ago and I have been using nonstop since then. I know deep in my heart that life for me is not the same without opiates and it never will be. If I don't use life feels so empty. Some days I really wish I was dead until I get my fix. I can't stand living life fix to fix but I know that there is no going back to the way it used to be.
Everything I have said is true and I hope someone reading this will take it as a precaution that opiates are a powerful addictive substance. They now control my life and I can't perform everyday functions like every other normal person with out the aid of an opiate. It is my invisible crutch and it has consumed my life.
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