Citation: ActivEternity. "A Voyage to the Self and the Christ: An Experience with LSD & MDMA (exp49669)". Erowid.org. Feb 28, 2006. erowid.org/exp/49669
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The other night I had perhaps one of the most profound experiences of my entire life. Undoubtedly, I will be contemplating it for some time to come, but these are my thoughts a day or two after the experience.
A bit of background first. I was born Jewish, and raised as a reform Jew. That is, my family celebrated the Sabbath, and went to services for the high holy days, but that's it. We pretty much paid it lip service. In the past year, inspired by an acid trip, I've begun reading about other philosophies and other religions. However, my readings for the most part have dealt only with Taoism, Hinduism, and Buddhism.
I started out with the intention of gaining greater personal and interpersonal insight with the aid of LSD and MDMA. After dark, I took two hits of relatively weak LSD blotter. After an hour or so, I began to notice some initial effects, so I put on the Mindfold, which is a device that blocks all incoming light, even with your eyes open. I put 'How to Operate Your Brain' by Tim Leary onto my mp3 player, and listened. In essence, he says that the mind is like a biocomputer, and we are the master programmers who choose what we put into it. However, most of the time we surrender that control to the government and other institutions and corporations. Instead, we should question authority and think for ourselves! Very simple, yet very important ideas.
Around this point I figured it would be a good time to take the first MDMA pill. I did so, and started looking through a personal scrapbook I had made half a year ago that included many personally significant photographs. Immediately I felt a surge of empathy with the people in the pictures, and gained some understanding about them, as I had hoped.
I went online to chat with a few friends, and one of them mentioned art, and it occured to me to look at a book of art by Alex Grey (who incidentally created the Mindfold). I did so and thought it was cool. A friend had suggested going into the fetal position on a body pillow in a dark room and flowing with existence. I did that with some music. I was astounded by how free, happy, and secure I felt; feelings which seem to elude me from time to time. About 20 minutes before doing this however, I'm fairly certain I took the second MDMA pill. My memory is a little hazy so I'm not sure of the exact time.
Before going into the fetal position, I had so much energy that I simultaneously wanted to go everywhere and see everything and to simply sit still. I ended up sitting, but trembling slightly. After the fetal position, I returned to my computer to check my e-mail and see who was online.
Suddenly, I was struck by the most tremendous urge imaginable. I needed to sit down and look at the art book by Alex Grey. At this point, not even a pack of wild horses could have gotten in my way. I sat down. Frantically, I flipped through the pages, looking for something, but I didn't know what. Suddenly, the words 'FIND CHRIST' screamed into my consciousness. I flipped through the entire book as if my life was at stake, but couldn't find the picture I was looking for (entitled 'Christ'). I tried to find an index but there wasn't one. Finally, I found it. Time lost meaning. It could have been day or night, past, present, or future, none of it mattered in the least. As soon as my eyes landed on the image of Christ, I felt as though Christ himself was staring back at me. The picture hadn't changed, but there felt like a tangible force behind it now. As we gazed into each other's eyes, my mind became completely silent. I was empty - devoid of desires or problems or thoughts. Yet I was filled with the most amazing awareness and overflowing with unconditional love for everything. I was content to sit and look upon him for all of eternity.
I somehow managed to scribble down a few sentences in my log during this, including, 'Christ's love is infinite, all else is irrelevant.' and 'When the mind is taken away, things seem as they truly are.' I felt as if he was communicating with me, yet without words. I closed my eyes and was regaled with a sense of unity, and saw fleeting images of Lao Tzu and of Jesus of Nazareth. Though I could not actually 'see' them, their presence seemed to be intuitive. I opened my eyes, and grabbed a rosary we had received in the mail in some solicitation for money. There was a metal cross with Jesus on it. I grabbed it, and kissed it, and tried to imbue the force I was experiencing into it (to use as a power object), yet try as I may, the force would not transfer. A desire suddenly popped into my head: to experience this bliss forever. However, Christ seemed to intuit to me that there was still work to be done (in my life). Moments later, the feeling that the force was about to leave arose, and I felt slightly disappointed. I looked at the picture, and suddenly it was back to being only a picture.
Still enthralled by this experience, I walked downstairs and spent a little time petting my dog, then stepped outside where it was quite cold. Even though I only had thin pants and no shirt on, I was comfortable. I returned to my room and listened to music and meditated for another few hours until I was able to rest. The last entry in my log was, 'Mission of life: free yourself from Maya.' For the rest of the next day, my mind was restless and uneasy. My ego and rational mind had been dealt a serious blow, and accordingly, I was confused.
My rationality immediately began to try to rationalize what had happened. The only thing it could up with was that peaking on the MDMA, I projected my feelings of love onto the closest available thing - which in this case was a picture of Jesus. However, this still doesn't explain my urge to 'Find Christ' or how my mind was so silent as if I was in a high meditative state, or why the perceived force spontaneously arrived and departed.
After contemplating the event for another day or two, I reached what I felt was a slightly more complete analysis of what happened. Enhanced by the LSD and MDMA, my mind entered a state of high meditation, perhaps even satori or kensho, as it's called by the Buddhists. Perhaps I reached a state of consciousness called Christ-consciousness. I think that we all are Christ and have this Christ-consciousness in us, yet most of us aren't able to realize it because of Maya (the grand illusion). Jesus of Nazareth was an extraordinarily enlightened yogi. He was so established in this 'Christ-consciousness' that he embodied it totally. As for the urge to 'Find Christ,' I still cannot explain, and I doubt my rational mind will ever be able to rationally explain this.
Christ-consciousness I believe is very similar to Samadhi, in which one experiences union with the non-dual Brahman, yet one maintains one's duality. Or perhaps it is beyond that even and Christ-consciousness is simply another label for the Tao.
Perhaps with more time I will gain greater insight into Christ-consciousness and what happened.
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