DOSE:

7 g

oral

Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

Let me preface this story with my case history. This is trip #11 in my “adventure of self discovery” or better yet my “spiritual journey”. It has been a hellish ride where I have continually had to surrender to the most horrible, disgusting, and absolutely unacceptable parts of my personality. I have endured these tortures and humiliations with the strong intrinsic need inside of myself to reach the light, to be able to feel God and be free from my vicious psychopathology. It has been one hell of a journey to say the least. And now - I have a story to share with you all.

It all started with a knife.

90 minutes after I ingested a heroic dose of 7 grams of mushrooms I found myself not feeling the psychedelic effects at all. No visuals, nothing. This was on purpose as I was fighting the effects with a passion I have never felt before. I did not want to partake in what the mushrooms were going to do to me, and my psychological defenses pulled up their drawbridges -- strengthened their walls -- and did not allow the drug to enter my mind.

At this point it became a classic “bad trip”. So right in the peak of the experience, fighting the drug with all my will, things led to things and I ended up picking up a knife. No it wasn’t “I” as in Matt’s Ego, it was “I” as in Matt’s superego. It was my superego, who has been trying so hard to prevent myself from unleashing my inner “ID” –unconscious socially unacceptable desires- because I feared a violent explosion of aggression, murder, insanity, the whole 9 yards.

Well in one of the most truly horrifying experiences of my life, my super ego took the knife and started slowly, very slowly pulling it across my arms, my chest, my heart, then finally to my jugular vein on my neck. This was done without me controlling it to a scary degree. I was shaking as if someone who was not I had a knife to my throat. When I dropped the knife I fell down in complete horror of what the fuck that was.

Complete loss of control.

I then picked up the knife and I started questioning, what would happen if I was in a position of power. A position where I could do anything to anyone- a position such a dictator. Well this thought started having me visibly shaking and I started “going Bezerk” and very unexpectedly, spontaneously, I started to lose all of my control that my superego was trying to hold back for so long.

My ID was screaming to come out, my unconscious desires- and they were about to explode out of me. I screamed violently. I flailed across the room; I went into grand mal seizures. I screamed like a complete absolute madman. Letting my ID completely take over the situation. This lasted for about 5 minutes or so. The place was a mess, I toppled over chairs, cushions were thrown and punched, it was really dangerous. Thankfully I threw the knife the fuck away from me.

Complete loss of control x 2
This is the most intense, bizarre, and out of control experience I have ever had on psychedelics to date. With my superego destroyed (defenses) for the time being, and my unconscious “running amok” some very strange and very important things happened.

All of the sudden I started chanting. I ripped off all of my clothes, bare naked, and I was all of the sudden very convincingly involved in some sort of ancient Rite of passage ceremony. The chants that I preformed were so articulate, so incredibly diverse, and so incredibly spontaneous that I have no option other than to believe these chants were inside of me all along, in my collective unconscious. And they were realistic re-creations of cultures long dead.

I was part of 3 distinct geographic areas with the chants and body movements changing to each one. South American, African, and Aborigine. The chants and body movements also changed to each rite of passage that was being re-lived. These represented Birth, Manhood, Marriage, a shaman warding away evil spirits, and Death. All of them were represented in the most feeling and the most “detached from reality” that perhaps I have ever been a part of. There was no “matt”, I was just existing in my unconscious.

Let me say again, the chants were so hauntingly realistic that there was definitely some sort of alien presence in the room. I sensed other people around me beating drums, beating their hands on the ground, and singing with me as I went through all the rights of passage.

The shaman warding off evil spirits EXORCISM

This is perhaps the most bizarre experience of my life the most of the trip, and I definitely got “salvia Divinorvinum” vibes while I was reenacting this piece of my unconscious. I was part of a healing ceremony in this ancient tribe, and the only way I can accurately describe this in one word would have to be exorcism.

I went through all the horrible and humiliating aspects of my personality and I purged them out. This involved horrible amounts of vomiting, grand mal seizures in such uncontrollable intensity that I felt I needed a mouth guard to protect my tongue, and I had some of the “evil” entities actually come out the side of my head. Yes some of the “evil” spirits were extricated out of the side of my head. Wild.

Death- reincarnation- oh my.

After that masterful piece of insanity at its best, I then took on the role of an old man. I could not chant anymore like I did at my “manhood rite of passage”. I was too old weak and feeble. The tribe (aborigines) left me in the desert to die. I was no good to the tribe anymore and I must be eradicated.

Serious biological defense mechanisms starting going “shit matt- this could be it, your suffocating, you’re really dying” and obviously I started fighting the psychological death. How the hell do you not? I then learned on the famous Cellular level that extending the suffering of death- just hurts everyone, everyone around you. Because as I was dying, I was also being born.

With every dying breath in that desert as the old man, I felt myself as the fetus getting one step closer to finally being born. And this is pretty fucked up --- I actually felt some very realistic body image feelings and traveling through the birth canal feelings that a baby would feel. It did not feel foreign to me at all.

But the old Geezer who was afraid to die- and would NOT accept his death! He is preventing the beautiful newborn… The new Birth- the new hope- the new life of the tribe from being alive. I had some serious reincarnation vibes and feelings going on there, some very serious ideological changes to my personality- yeah probably, who knows.

Murder.

So I couldn’t accept my death- Well at this point I finally stopped “going bezerk” which I might add lasted probably a whole 45 minutes! Completely unsupervised, and very dangerous! So I started getting a bloody nose. What is up with the bloody noses on mushrooms! And this just set me off on a tangent of insane murder.

I felt like Hannibal Lecter, I had blood all over my naked body from my gushing nosebleed, I had a knife in my hand, and I started thinking of all those mother fucking people- 3 to be exact- 2 ex girls, and 1 best friend. Who have FUCKED me over in life. You know fucked me over big time. And I felt the most absolute murderous rage and everything covered in blood I stabbed them all- I cut their entrails out, I fucking killed them. Murdered them. All those impulses my ID wanted for so long, but my SUPEREGO had prevented finally came out in a bloody mess.

Did I kill the pain they caused my from my psyche? I don’t know- too early to tell.

The end of the trip- Conclusions.

Well It’s too early to tell the therapeutic effects of this trip but the breakdown of my SUPEREGO (defenses) was a very important step that must not be taken lightly. I have an OCD thing going on - and the fact that I finally surrendered to going completely nuts and out of control is pretty hilarious! Dangerous, but very therapeutic I’m sure!

All my trips have been breakthroughs. But this trip is one that should not be underestimated. My superego, which is notorious for making my life an absolute living hell finally shattered and let my ID come out. And my god, it was scary- I was screaming like an absolute madman in a mental asylum flailing around COMPLETE loss of control for a solid 5 minutes before the chanting started.

All I know is that I have a new Christmas gift for my parents and friends very close to me.

The gift is this.

I ____ promise to seek the guidance of a close friend, a family member, or a professional if I ever get the overwhelming urge to end it all and commit suicide. I promise I will not act impulsively to kill myself without seeking help from the above-mentioned people.

Signed ___.


I know that people think I’m going to kill myself- I had all that fucking ID –unconscious desire- energy that was just ready to explode my superego for so long, and my family, my ex girlfriend, and my friends I KNOW all thought I was going to seriously hurt myself. Time was the only factor- it was a matter of when not if.

So hopefully that will give them piece of mind.

Who knows what the future holds- way to early to tell. But I am not a man yet. I am on my Rite of Passage to becoming a MAN. And I will continue tripping.

Continuing this “spiritual journey” “Adventure of self discovery” “Rite of passage – MANHOOD”

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 48919
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 24, 2020	Views: 66
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