Citation: psilocybe. "LSD Psychotherapy #4 - Brainwashing: An Experience with LSD (exp48916)". Erowid.org. Feb 6, 2006. erowid.org/exp/48916
SET + SETTING
This is the 4th high dose trip I’ve had in 5 weeks. I have not written trip reports for 2 of the other one’s unfortunately so there is a big gap to where I was before and where I am now. My setting is that of my condo in the woods. A private place with electricity, running water, a computer with good music, eyeshades, art-supplies, and most importantly PRIVACY!
I was feeling very sick and weak from a cold I had caught a few days before dropping the 8 hits. I was worried that the weakened state of my immune system, body, and mind collectively would change my acid experience. With these concerns in mind I still dropped the acid. Within 30 minutes I was flat on my back with my eye-shades on and tribal music playing. It was the fastest LSD has ever come on for me.
Now I’m not so hot at writing descriptive trip reports, it’s really a difficult thing to do, as those of you who have tried I’m sure know. So many things happened, that I will try to go over the “themes” in a relatively chronological order.
The first theme was definitely death coming on. My arms felt like they had 50 needles in them sucking all the blood out. My arms felt heavy and extremely, extremely, cold. I really felt like I was in danger with dying as I wasn’t sure if this state of psychological death would help the cold virus take over my body and actually kill me. I said fuck it, and let the trip continue with no psychological defenses. It’s important to note by the way, that I used to have huge psychological defenses, but the LSD through these 5 weeks has systematically destroyed them, and now ever deeper parts of my mind are coming to the surface. Fascinating.
The trip continued to a scene similar to the movie “Contact” with Jodie Foster. I found myself saying “good-bye’s” to everyone I have ever known, and everything I was in my life. I was in a little space capsule and I blasted off through the cosmos. I was space traveling, a large part of my ego was missing. But I was still “there” as in I could think and be like – wow - this is interesting.
Meet your Maker
This was perhaps the scariest and paradoxically at the same time, most soothing part of the trip. I found myself in a big factory. I was a Model-T so to speak. There was like millions of empty bodies and gadgets and dark scariness. I felt like I was in a factory for making human beings. I met the maker of these human beings. He started giving me gifts, he said, telepathically of course, “here are your hands, you will make beautiful things with these” Here is your charm, your wit, your sense of humour, you will make people smile and be happy with this. Here is your body, you will love it. At this point I actually –climbed inside of my body- and kindof zipped it up, and was like “dang this is a nice body” (really helped with my negative body image so I’m finding today =).
You are Being brainwashed
The next scenes were very scary. I started having fears that I was being brainwashed by the LSD. This was the case because I have successfully over this 5 weeks been giving up more and more of my personality to LSD and on this trip the drug actually started taking over my thoughts. Yes my thoughts, the thing I pride myself in (I’m a big thinker), and the LSD started “brainwashing me” and stealing my thoughts. I went with the flow. I did not fight it, though I could see how less strong people would definitely fight this feeling of going insane and being brainwashed. Then I saw a huge arena and my head was sawed open so my brains were sticking out in the open.
A big surgeon type dude with many many onlookers were in the arena. I understood that the process that was to be done was a lobotomy. A real lobotomy. It wasn’t going to be done now, but when the final “ego death” came, he would cut out my brain, and I would never be the same EVER again. This might sound scary, but I loved it. I am so ready to lose part of my brain. If you have ever seen the movie “Pi” my life is kind of like that. A very smart mathematical genius who is miserable with his paranoia. Until he takes a drill and drills his brain so he can just enjoy nature and human contact without the insanity of “truth” anymore.
Ride the Snake !!
So it was at this point that the most difficult part of the LSD experience came to the surface. It is important to note that I had previously been seeing snakes in all my previous LSD trips, and they seemed to be “against” me. Like I was always fighting the snakes, because they seemed evil.
Well on this trip, I rode the snake. I was the snake. And the snake brought me to some very FUCKed up parts of my personality. I have had some serious sexual abuse from my father while I was younger so that set the stage to “want” certain sexual things from my guy friends, because my father set such a great example.
Well the snake showed me EVERY SINGLE friendship I have ever had that the snake (unconscious Gay sexual desires) was involved in. I felt like I was riding a roller coaster, the snake was squirming so fast through all the relationships and memories I have ever had.
I had to re-live every single polluted friendship I have ever had, and my God it was the most difficult thing seeing friends I cherished in the unconscious gay way that I really perceived them. Me being not gay just made the process even more hard.
But like a trooper I re-lived all the trauma and gay-ness, and my god, … it was difficult.
BPM I Out Of Body
Towards the end of the trip I believe I was governed by BPM I. I felt like I was merging with my surroundings. I felt unbelievably at peace. I felt like my body and mind were dissolving into my surroundings. I was listening to some monks chanting on CD, and my god. I was never so moved by music in my life.
The good vibes continued into the evening.
This trip is a big turning point in my LSD psychotherapy. I worked through my 3 greatest fears, Death, being called Racist, and Being Gay. I also opened up some sort of feminine appreciation in my psyche. I have a newfound respect for women today that I have never felt in my life. I feel their presense is godly and I have found myself hanging around them much more and being much more at ease with them, which is definitely a new thing for me.
The final ego death (brainwashing) has not come yet, but I am predicting next trip, or the trip after that. I am getting extremely confident that LSD therapy will work for me after this trip and how I feel today.
My heart chakra has opened up even more than before, and I feel true love towards my ex-girlfriend [she doesn’t want me back after I told her how I really feel =( ], my friends, and even my former enemies. Forgivness and light surround me today. I am also pleased that the LSD took over my thoughts, I find myself thinking a lot less today. I am just “in the groove” of existence without analyzing it so much.
Holy shit, this might work out good =).
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