Citation: The Seeker. "The Beginning of Self-Knowledge: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp48787)". Erowid.org. Mar 24, 2008. erowid.org/exp/48787
'Speed puts the 'Fun' in 'Profundity'' - A close friend of mine, after experiencing a Fountain-of-Youth stream of thoughts and ideas.
Several months ago, a person who was then a very new friend to me and who is now one of my truly closest companions split the crushed contents about six of his 20mg Adderall capsules with me. It was my first time to use stimulants other than caffeine. At that time, I spent about seven completely euphoric hours absorbing knowledge as my new friend explained elements of Set Theory, Group Theory, Mathematical Chaos, Fractals and orbits, and smatterings of Calculus and definitive Number Theory. My euphoria and completely clear and receptive state of mind lasted until about T+9:00, at which point my mind fractured and I did useless tasks repetitively until I finally slept, about T+12:00. When I finally awoke after about 18 hours of sleep, I had trouble remembering the concepts I learned while I was speeding. That is, I'm nearly sure, because I allowed the crash to overtake me entirely, and because I was mentally unprepared to deal with the rush of energy and joy and knowledge that was dealt me.
Since then, I naturally found myself experimenting with the mind-expanding and study-aid effects of other, lighter, non-prescription stimulants such as ephedrine. I also used Adderall again, in a lower dose, to study once (Math, of course). Overall, though, my drug use focused on introspection and re-evaluation of my world, society, individual people, and my philosophy of life. I tried methamphetamine, searching for a truly revelatory experience, and was disappointed when I only
found energy, greater-than-usual sociability, admittedly amazing evaluation and appreciation of art and music, and three days of inability to sleep that were only ended by a few bowls of very good weed. I also used marijuana and synthetic opiates, trying to find bits of myself that I had hidden. I succeeded partially, but given the somewhat stupefying effects of those drugs, most of my insights were rather superficial and inane in retrospect.
I came through my experiences with a very definitive view of drugs as tools for, sometimes simply relaxation, but mostly for self-exploration. It was this view that I had in my mind when I bought two thirty-milligram capsules of Adderall from a old acquaintance and hopefully, a new friend. I was this time prepared for both the incredible mental and sensory boost, but I also have diphenhydramine to retain unity of my thoughts, post-sleep. I'm writing this experience report at the tail-end of the speed-trip that it describes, approximately T+7:00, just as the decline toward baseline and lower is beginning.
It was about seven hours ago that my family went to bed, and at which point I emptied the Adderall capsules and ground the time-release balls into a snortable, somewhat-fine powder. I intook all 60 milligrams in one sitting, and then logged onto my instant messenger accounts to talk to people and await for the rush. It began to take effect very subtly, slowly rising to a peak/plateau in about half of an hour. Once it reached the peak, my girlfriend complained of back pains and a need to lie down via an instant message. I called her to give her company, distract her from her pains, and to investigate her and myself psychologically. She was and remains unaware that I had ever taken any powerful stimulants, because my preferred method if intake, insufflation, bothers her and would cause her undue worry for my health. I do, despite rationalizations, still feel guilt for keeping her in the dark about this particular form of ego-discovery.
From about T+0:30 to T+5:00, we had a highly revelatory, and I had with her a fun, engaging, very deep, and hopefully life-changing and truly revelatory conversation. It began typically enough with easy, flowing, very funny discourse. What it soon metamorphosed into was a fully 4-hour, pauseless outpouring of compassion, love, and complete honesty. My only problem with the conversation was that I often had to keep myself from speaking at the rate that my thoughts were forming. My girlfriend would undoubtedly have guessed at least my general psychological condition.
In that time, I developed several parts of my moral code that have until this night been ambiguous and lacking. I have finally come to understand a self-consistent and highly compassionate and wonderfully empathic part of myself. I know now who I should like, respect, and despise, based on a nearly-complete interpersonal code. This code, although lacking some desired specificity, has a quite-nearly complete system containing justice, respect, self-esteem, kindness, emotional and perhaps material egalitarianism, a drastically improved view of life and humanity, and a kind guiding light shining down my road to personal happiness and eventual fulfillment. I now have a sense of near-divinity, of some kind of communion with whatever God or Mind or Law that leads the way to completeness. I think it could be accurately said, 'Deus ex Mentis.'
My girlfriend had to go to sleep at about T+5:00. Given the diuretic effects of the amphetamines and my supplement of two pots of delicious Ghirardelli coffee since the start of the Expansion, I immediately made my way to the bathroom. The drying-out and necessary rehydration that most stimulants cause are, I should add, my only complaint about them. As I stood there performing what lasted as long as a complete draining liquid would seem to, I re-examined the events of the previous few hours, and grasping the profundity of the experience, I finished as quickly as my body would allow and sped toward my keyboard.
In an hour's time, I described on a long-neglected online journal the complete foundation of my discoveries. Because that alone would fill four pages, I left out of my narrative a few of the less powerful (Though still highly relevant!) points of philosophy that I had deciphered. I then spent the remainder of my surprisingly long and powerful plateau writing this description of what has been one of the most intense and pleasurable piece of my life, during that time also thoroughly
enjoying all of my favorite songs to ease the mental stress that the decline promises.
I don't know if I can adequately express, especially in text, just how much of a different person I feel that I am now becoming. Indeed, it will be difficult to explain it to my friends and family, most of whom are largely unaware of my psychonautical experiments.
As I reach this point, I'm noticing the first effects that indicate that my body is almost empty of amphetamine: I am beginning to twitch, I've lost my so-recently-total focus, and I am feeling physically and less-so mentally fatigued. That tells me that I should been think of an adequate conclusion to this lengthy and purposefully overdetailed writing.
My experience with all psychoactives is limited to very few opiates (hydro- and oxy-codone), few and relatively unvaried stimulants (Methamphetamine, ephedrine, and various forms of amphetamine), almost no dissociatives (Only DXM), various OTC sleeping medications, alcohol, LSD, and the seemingly-ubiquitous marijuana. Of that sample of the much larger world of significantly mind-altering substances, amphetamines, especially the curious mix that makes up Adderall, is ideally focused, energized, and profound, and is as far as my experiences can indicate, the nearest thing that the human psyche currently knows to The Perfect Drug.
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