Citation: Indifferent. "Misuse for Depression: An Experience with Opioids (exp48446)". Erowid.org. Aug 9, 2006. erowid.org/exp/48446
First off, it all started one day when I found an old bottle of Vicodin hp(10/500). I had had a very bad day and a really bad headache, so I decided to try a prescription strength painkiller. Ibuprofen and Aceta werenít working anymore. And at this time, I was about 19, I had no care in the world for prescription painkillers, none at all, I always thought they were drugs old bored housewives abused.
Anyways I took 2 of the Vicodin and about a half-hour later I felt like I was in heaven. All I could do was stretch and lay and relax, all pain was gone, including my depression. Completely gone! It was amazing! Every thought, everything I saw was amazing, it was euphoric.
So I downed the rest of the bottle over about a weeks period, and was sad because I figured id never see them again. I was wrong.
A month later my best friend injured himself at work and was prescribed Norco-thatís 10mgs of hydro and 325 of acetaminophen. He gave me a few at first and those same old feelings I grew to love a month ago returned. he ended up liking them too. For pain and psychological reasons. So he had a steady supply of Norco each month, getting at least 120 of them. Well heís the type of guy that likes to make money, I mean he had been selling grass his whole life of, now he discovered these beauties. so each day id go over to his house, heíd all ready be doped up, id buy a few, 5 bucks a pill, fucking rip off, but I didnít care, I needed the depression relief. This went on for about a year and during that year he and I met some people who also enjoyed the wonderful opioids. Thatís when I discovered Percocet, Oxycontin, both containing Oxycodone, then MS Contin, then Demerol, and then the big one -Fentanyl- I had tried Darvocet before but that shit is so weak, and all it does is make me depressed. anyways I was doing Norco or Lorcet, Oxycodone, and wearing a goddamn 75mcg fentanyl patch, all at the same time, and all within a year.
So another year goes by. I know have to take at least 70mgs of Hydrocodone, at this point in time, just to get a buzz, it then turned to shooting up Oxycontin and MS-Contin, Iíd have 100mcg Fentanyl patches on for weeks at a time. after two days with one, Iíd slap another... and so on. This whole time I was using these drugs as antidepressants, and of course to get high.
It never stopped, it was nothing but thinking about the drugs. I was rude and irritable between doses, I was lying to my beloved family, and worst of all, I had no more musical creativity whatsoever. (I had produced and sold loops and tracks, even scored a few independent film projects. I was a true junky. Opioids became me and vice versa.
So the use continued for another couple of years, this time I would take (seriously) 100mgs of hydro, right when id wake up - then go hang out with my friends and do 2 full 80mg oxycontin lines, or one 80 mg oxy injection. Then by bedtime, id down some more hydro, or chew on a 40mg oxycontin. I was completely out of control. and I was flirting with death and didnít even care. I had no more interests. I had lost a lot of good friends, and the tolerance was higher than ever.
Well, the suppliers all left town one-by-one until there was no way of getting my drugs anymore. this was bad. I remember my first experience with opioid withdrawal, and ill never ever forget it. I had 20 10/500s left that I reserved, knowing that I would no longer have access because the dealers had all left unexpectedly. I tried to wean off, but with hydrocodone-I had to eat 12 that day, then the remainder the next day. Then cold turkey. here is what happened.
I woke up from a horrible nightmare, my entire body feeling like it was being ripped apart, I felt like I had mono again, and my stomach felt like a torch was inside of it. I ran to the bathroom and puked and shit all over myself, this went on for 2 weeks. I slept only about 2 hours a night, the depression was overbearing, I mean I hit rock bottom, and everything I had done wrong while I was on the drugs came back to haunt me. Almost to the point of psychosis. I was miserable, all I could think about was the drugs and my bad behavior that left me with nothing.
Currently Iím still recovering. its been a good 3 months since I last put the drugs into my mind and body, and I feel more depressed now than before. I ended up having to tell my whole family what I had been doing, I tried to reconcile with my old best friends, but they didnít really respond. I went to a psychiatrist, Iím trying the antidepressant Remeron and it only sort of eases the depression. I look like a zombie, I feel like one, and I wish I would have never taken those horrible drugs. but fuck, Iíd do them in a heartbeat again if given the chance.
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