Citation: Adderall. "The Oxymoron Drug: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp48347)". Erowid.org. Apr 6, 2008. erowid.org/exp/48347
The reason I'm calling adderall 'the oxymoron drug' is because it makes me feel great, yet terrible at the same time. I basically hate this drug.
Four adderall heads. I first decided to try the pills on a whim. My friend Sean is diagnosed with ADD, or is it ADHD? Therefore, he has a prescription for adderall. He and his brother Pat gave me and the other first-timer, Justin, a vague description of the effects before we took them down with water. Actually, we opened the capsules, poured the tiny balls in our mouth and washed them down with water. I believe it was about 7:45 pm.
The Wait. I was pretty calm, no anxiety. All four of us were in Seanís room which was in the basement of the house, listening to music. I donít know how long it took to kick in, I'm no professional in that area. But I do know it was gradual. Our conversations became more intense, and the subjects changed faster and faster.
The trip. Seeing as how we were listening to music, talk of the artists ensued. And talk of those artists, led to talk of another artist, and another, and another, and another.... All the time, I'm pretty sure that I did not realize how much we were talking.
Eventually, Justin and Sean beat Megaman 1, 2, and 3. They really loved playing video games. After a while we moved into different rooms. I remember Pat going to his room. Justin and I were in the garage. Pat came back and told us he was going to bed. I was staggered. How he accomplished this, is beyond me. But thatís why he exists. I have absolutely no memory of what became of Sean. He probably stayed in his room and read 'Being and Nothingness'. So Justin and I were left in the garage. There is no way I can remember what we talked about, but I think we can safely assume it was 'EVERYTHING'.
Conversations were extreme. While Justin would talk, it seemed like I was computing what he was saying, what I wanted to say, and everything that had been said and was going to be said. And I'm sure the same thing was going on in his brain as I replied to him. My mind was racing. Every once in a while I would realize that I was not in full control of myself. Adderall was driving tonight. I was in the back seat, screaming 'Slow down you crazy fuck, you're gonna kill me!!' All I could do was watch this mean sot abuse the engine of my brain and there was nothing I could do except close my eyes and pray that we were almost home. But I only noticed this in small instances and it was very easy to ignore. These effects are pretty much all I can remember from the good part of the drug.
Emotionally, I think I was feeling great. But once we got to talking about darker things, I reached the point of tears. It was probably a very cathartic experience. Much better than any counselor.
The rotten departure. Sitting in the garage, I could notice sunlight slowly invading the house. I doubt that I can explain how terrible it was to know that the sun was coming up and a new day was about to begin. Was it simply a side effect of the drug? Did my mind not want the drug to go away and was seeing the sunlight a signal that it was coming to an end? Whatever the reason, I was very depressed and let down by the sunlight. We decided that the best thing to do would be to go back down to the basement which is a very dark place. It helped a little bit, but we soon heard the footsteps of Pat and Seanís Parents. This had the same kind of effect on me as seeing the sunlight.
After a couple of hours, Justin wanted to go home. He had to go to work. He dropped me off at my home, but we stayed in his car and talked a bit more. The drug was dying but still kicking.
At home I didnít know what to do with myself. I felt tired and I lied down in my bed but still I only wanted to talk. I started talking to The Nobody in my mind. I always talk to The Nobody, it's my invisible audience/person that I rant to about anything and everything I think about. But with the adderall it seemed insane and it was not fulfilling. Not only that but I was being utterly CONSUMED with feelings of Guilt, Anxiety, Depression, Sadness, Worry, Anticipation, and a few that I cannot describe. No paranoia. There was absolutely no explanation for these feelings. That was also annoying. They were just an after-effect of the drug.
So, to get away from all this, I wandered outside and found my mom watering plants. I began to talk to her but then I remembered that I was on adderall and I thought maybe I was talking too much. I didnít want her to notice. From this point on, it's blurry. I know I went back to my room, took a shower and fell asleep. I don't know in which order. Showering felt great. I think I woke up still a bit talkative but no physical effects and I think all the bad emotions had gone away.
Over all, I really cannot recommend adderall. The mysterious depression and horrid emotions in general while coming down are really not worth the good side of the drug. I tried adderall a second time because, maybe it was the addictive part of me, but I thought maybe I would be able to overcome the negative effects. This theory proved false. The experience was exactly the same as the first. Same friends, same location, same terrible feelings. I had been duped by my own being! Take a bad drug once, shame one me. Take a bad drug twice, shame on me. Take a bad drug thrice, NEVER. I still shudder at the thought of 'seeing the sunlight'. I never want to feel that again.
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