Citation: Bluglo. "A Long Vaction: An Experience with Amphetamines & Various (exp47002)". Erowid.org. Jan 6, 2008. erowid.org/exp/47002
I started taking adderall due to a hectic lifestyle of work and school. A friend's sister had a prescription she took and soon I was introduced. The first time I took 20mg and was surprised at how easy it made class and studying. I took it about an hour before class and at first didn't notice any effects. I was actually getting disappointed while walking through campus when I realized I was planning the fastest way to class despite being early. I didn't look at the clock during class once and the lecture seemed like an interesting story. I was almost disappointed when class was over but quickly was happy to have a chance for a cigarette.
I had smoked marijuana on and off for about 3 years before taking adderall and at first kept the 2 separate. I would take 20mg daily and days went by so easily, I felt on top of everything going on in my life. For awhile it seemed I was a little too on top of things. My girlfriend of 2 years started saying I seemed paranoid and asked too many questions about what she was doing, where she was. I didn't realize or think I was being paranoid, I felt like I was just staying on top of things. This went on for about a month or 2 before I think my mind for the most part stopped feeling the paranoid affects of adderall. I don't know why this happened. Whether it was because I stopped for 2 months or just got used to using.
I soon began taking 25mg a day. I also began smoking weed again in heavy amounts. There was a routine for a good portion of my junior year where I would
- take adderall upon waking up,
- get ready for class,
- smoke a bowl
- pour a small portion of another adderall onto my hand and lick it for an extra kick.
I would not eat and would smoke a cigarette on the drive to campus. I would then sometimes smoke another cigarette while walking to class. I would be super focused for my first class and immediatly smoke a cig after. From there I would generally study intently. Then go to work until usually later at night. There was awhile when I, alone or with a co-worker, would consistently smoke weed out of a 1 hitter in the basement of where we worked.
Pretty much my mornings consisted of getting high and then even higher. Cruising through the day. Smoking weed to come down and relax. Combining adderall and marijuana stressed my mind incredibly. I donít know how to describe it unless you have done it. Itís like taking a 500hp engine and putting it into sled. You can't stop it or really even steer it. You are doing something fast but good luck choosing what.
The funny thing was my girlfriend did not know I smoked weed, ever. At first it was easy because she went to a different school. I would simply not mention or smoke when I knew I would be seeing her. Soon though it turned into me getting high immediately upon her leaving. She then transferred to my school where I continued to hide smoking from her.
The funny thing was that by taking adderall, it really gave me the ability and knowledge of the ability to do whatever I wanted. Now I knew I couldnít fly but anything beyond that I saw within reach. I demanded raises at work and received them. I easily got better grades, and I kept my girl very happy. Adderall and I were simply untouchable. This seems cocky but I honestly noticed that I would think faster than those around me. At work especially I would think of a solution immediately and then would have to explain solution and why it's the best to my coworkers who almost seemed amazed. I arranged for myself to live free through property investment. I busted ass at work and was able to afford a nicer car than most people my age will get 5 years from now.
This was my mindset at age 20. Competitive, driven, addicted and in denial. For the next 1 and a half years I had no problem with adderall, except I did. A drug like adderall is strong because it has the ability to make a person take it despite the fact the user knows clearly why they should not. Sure everything seems so easy; itís like you're playing a video game that is moving in slow motion. Although it is fun to cheat for awhile it gets old. Sure you get what you want, but as strange as it sounds, it gets old getting what you want.
The effects I felt, the quick focused thinking, ironically were made up of many hours of me thinking about why I shouldn't be taking it. When taking adderall and weed I seemed to get the best of both worlds. Quick thinking and euphoric, relaxing and mind expanding. These effects combined to make me a person who was way too in touch of what was going on around him while at the same time making me a person who was detached from life. It was almost like days went by where I wasn't actually living, life was simply something I interacted with and managed. Mentally everything I did was mapped out to perfection, planned and linked with everything else going on in my life. The problem was this only referred to work and school.
My personal life wasnít ruined but I did become very detached from most of my friends. Not only would I simply just ignore their calls and messages but I would simply call and expect them to hangout at any given time I felt like it. Soon I noticed though that this worked. The same with my girlfriend. I began treating her as another thing to be managed in my life. Because I was able to 'manage' things with her and friends, I could always talk my way out of situations that reflected me negatively. Situations where I missed birthdays, important events, forgetting important things were all things I could back pedal out of and come out scott free. I found that friends and my girlfriend were all calling me and I was picking and choosing to hangout with whomever based on whatever mood I was in, with no regard to other's feelings or situations.
I almost became emotionless. I was polite to people and would show limited interest in whatever it was they were doing or speaking of. But it soon became clear that I would simply act in a generally courteous and caring manner just to manipulate people to like me and respect me. I did this not to gain friendship but so that I could better be able to get what I want from them. I thought that by treating people in way I know will cause them to like me, stand up for me and generally allow me to manipulate their actions was a good thing. There were countless situations where I was able to manipulate daily situations, involving other people into a manner that I preferred and would benefit from.
This was the part where I was detached from life. Life no longer was life. It was something that did not exist. All there was were tasks and solutions. What is the quickest way to solve this homework, what is the most efficient way to help this customer, what is the fastest way I can make my girlfriend not mad at me for doing something stupid? Days consisted of a string of short tasks and long tasks. I could constantly be mapping out ways to change school and social situations to what I wanted them to be.
Sure some of this feeling was being under the influence of marijuana and adderall. I could not transform anything but it seemed I would always catch myself setting up a way to change something to my liking. After awhile this became old. I was bored with things. Work, school, friends what was the point. They were slow, boring and just not the way I wanted them.
Then finally something clicked. I had things backwards. Its not me that controls things. It was messed up how I was acting. The best way I can describe it is if everything in my life were part of a game, a game I could win. This freaked me out. I figured this out after taking 50mg of adderall, drinking about a liter of rum and smoking quite a bit of pot. Something snapped in my mind, I think it was under a lot of stress. I wasn't really living while on adderall I was just participating. It was my birthday a week later and I had remained clean.
When I was with all my friends and loved ones it felt like I was seeing them all again after a long vacation. Which I guess was true. The weird thing was though is that no one seemed to know I had left. That still boggles my mind, I donít understand it. Apparently I had come full circle and no one was the wiser. I just donít understand it.
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