Citation: Silver. "The Most Intense Nothingness: An Experience with Heroin (exp4671)". Erowid.org. Nov 23, 2001. erowid.org/exp/4671
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 2:00
||(powder / crystals)
Greetings one and all. I suppose I'll start with the usual background... I'm a 20 year old male, in excellent health, no medical conditions, I am not on any medications.
List of drugs I have done:
Ecstacy, Ketamine, Cocaine, LSD, Marijuanna, a million different prescription drugs, Meth Amphetamines, Nicotine, and alcohol.
Before taking *any* of the above drugs, I read every piece of information I could gather on the subject, whether it was pro-[drug] or against it. I also always talked to people experienced in the use of the individual drug. I personally have never had a problem with addiction of any sort. Smoking has never been an issue... I may take a puff here and there when I'm on something else, or I may hit a stogie once in a while, but that's it. I've also stayed up for 5 days on some wonderful Crystal, and suffered only the slightest withdrawal symptoms. After this 5 day binge [my longest] I was able to completely stop using any sort of meth for over 2 months. Please don't take the above statements in the wrong way.. I am not bragging, I am not saying I am impervious to addiction, I am simply saying it has yet to be a problem for *me*.
The last several months, my interest in heroin has been piqued. So I gathered as much information about it as I could, and have talked to several people (several bluelighters in fact.. you know who you are, thanks for your help) who use heroin... those who use it occasionally without problem, and I even confronted two 'junkies'. These people have a severe dependancy on heroin, and have not been able to successfully quit. After weighing it out, I decided if the opportunity arose, I would accept. Wednesday night of this week, my friend Tony called me. Tony is one of the people I spoke to who occasionally uses Heroin. He has a great deal of experience with it, and has never (to my knowledge) had a problem with addiction... I can't say for sure though, because the subject has never come up. He informed me that he had some China White (Or White China, forgive me, I forget), which I later learned to be Fentanyl, a synthetic heroin substitute.
[Erowid note: Chemically speaking, fentanyl is not synthetic heroin, as heroin itself is a half-synthetic opiate made from natural-source morphine. Fentanyl is a completely synthetic opiate which is much more powerful than heroin. Common dose is in the µg range, like 0.025mg. Since the reported dose is 250mg the drug this report is about most likely was cut heroin.]
I told him that I wanted to try it... He said he would be glad to set it up, and it would be free of charge... sort of a birthday present I suppose.
I'm writing this at 11pm of the night I describe below.
2:30 PM- Tony calls and says our 6:00 date has been moved up... to ASAP. I jump in the car and head over to Tony's house.
2:45 I arrive. Tony's GF, Lindsey, Is a Registered Nurse... she is present to perform the injection for me, as I am terrified of needles. She has performed thousands of IV injections at her job, and a large amount of Heroin injections for Tony and his close group of friends.
3:00 After a little chit-chat, we make our way to the smoking room (which is actually a finished basement, very well decorated). As I enter the smoking room, I notice how BLAZINGLY cold it is down there, as it always is... this comes in effect later.
3:30 They are *finally* finished making their blunt.. they offer me some, but I refuse. I do not enjoy marijuanna as it is, plus I didn't want to dilute the experience with *anything*. At this time, they pull out the little glass 'wrap' as they called it. It was a lot different looking then I had thought... I don't really know what I was expecting, but this wasn't it.
**To give you a brief description of the layout:
You walk downstairs into a large open room. There are black and white airbrush portraits on the wall, it has a very modern look to it. The room is furnished with a 52' screen TV, a black leather sofa adjascent the TV, and a matching love seat diagonally placed from the couch. There is a large UGLY green lazyboy recliner. It's the kind that's really ugly, but too comfortable to get rid of. We are all sitting on the couch, watching a show about cars (Tony and I are car freaks too), with our feet sitting on the glass, rectangular coffee table.*****
3:35 They set a *very* small key bump on the table, and tell me to snort, so that I can get a feel for what to expect... Tony is the only one smoking now.. I asked Lindsey to remain as sober as possible throughout the whole thing, just in case.... In an effortless snort, the powder was gone. It was surprisingly 'soft' going up.. This probably doesn't make sense if you've never snorted it before... but it was soft...not in a burning sense... just... soft.. anyway..
3:42- It came on so much faster than I expected... It wasn't a freight train hitting me... it was a tide of relaxation creeping up on me, slowly taking me from behind..
4:00- Without a doubt it had taken effect. I couldn't seem to remember WHEN it hit me, I just knew that it had hit me at some point, and I had been feeling this way for what seemed an eternity.
4:30- I am *very* relaxed, and content beyond words. Tony was droning on about some car that he had read about, but I couldn't make myself show even the slightest bit of interest. I am aware of my extreme naseua by now... I feel i have it under control, and I'm not going to puke, but I am naseous... it comes in waves, but i'm sure it will go away.
I jump ahead now to 5:15... I can still feel the effects of the heroin in my body, but I'm ready. I'm ready to do what I came for. I jump ahead to 5:15 because not really much happened between then and now. I itched a little, I never did puke, we talked a little, I noted that I sounded different than usual...Je ne se quoi.
5:15- It's time. I tell them I'm ready, and after a few re-assurances, they decide I'm ready too. I have butterflies tearing through my stomach, I think more because of the needle than the heroin it contained...
5:20- Lindsey has already taken the syringe [A fresh, clean one that I purchased myself, I watched her open it, so I KNOW it was clean] out of the package, sterelized my arm, and the needle, mixed the heroin with water, added heat, filtered with cotton, etc etc... She has the syringe and my arm ready. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears. She switches places with Tony, and sits to my right. We had no torniquet, but we didn't need one, my veins on my forearm protrude *a lot* and a few pumps of my hand brought them to perfect. Tony was squeezing my bicep to act as the torniquet. I turn my head because I can't BEAR to think about, let alone watch, someone sticking a needle into my vein.
She tells me to relax, and that I have to stop shaking so much or it's going to make her job much more difficult. (I am shaking not only because I am scared, but because they keep it SO DAMN cold in their smoking room.) She places one hand on my arm, below the injection site [my forearm, opposite my elbow], and with the other, moves the syringe toward my arm. I feel the cold steel as she rests it against my arm. I want to tell her to hurry up, but I am too nervous to speak. If it weren't so cold, beads of sweat would surely be forming on my head.
Tony squeezes my arm a bit tighter, and she moves forward... for but an *INSTANT* I feel the tiniest prick against my arm, barely noticable, in fact, almost laughable... I think to myself 'Here we Ggggggg... .. .. . ooh.' I feel her place the damp cloth over the 'wound'. Almost in sync with the cold damp cloth on my arm, it happens.
People say it's like being hit by a truck. No. It's nothing like that. It's like standing on a rock, on the coast... and having a tidal wave of warmth, of security, of absolute *apathy* come over you, it surrounds you, it goes into your mouth, it drives down your throat, and deep into your soul. The first thing I realize again, is the cold. But I no longer care. Not at all. In fact, I remember being GLAD that the cold was there... it gave me pleasure to think that the cold was TRYING to do something to me, was TRYING to make me uncomfortable, the cold was TRYING to hurt me...and it made me happy because I knew it couldn't.
Nothing could touch me. I was invincible, without the energy of being invincible. I hear her place the syringe on the table, but I can't bring myself to open my eyes yet. As she places it on the table, I notice how odd it sounds. It doesn't echo, it's not a sound like when i'm tripping.. It's a mocking sound. The syringe is trying to laugh at me... the syringe is trying to make me feel bad too... but it can't, nothing can. People always try to put into words the feeling smack brings you.. that's just the problem.. it doesn't.. It was the most intense nothingness there ever was.
I remember letting out a sigh. I have no idea how long I had been holding my breath. The breath that came out of my mouth was warm... I was warm... I was engulfed in a sea of what seemed to be warm liquid.
I realized that I was no longer tense. I was, in fact, melting back into the chair as it were.
I looked at Lindsey and Tony, there eyes looking through me, and smiled a weak smile. It felt as though my lips were actually curling up though. I wasn't smiling with them. I was smiling AT them... I was smiling at them, because I was in a place they weren't invited to.
'So?' Tony asked in his heavy Itallian accent.
'It's good' I said back.
And that was it. It was just that. It was good. It was by NO means mindblowing. I was enveloped in a world of warmth, of security, and of freedom. It was nothing near the level I had expected to reach. It was a good experience for me. But I don't want my words above to sensationalize what I experienced. The best part for me was the security. No matter what scenario came into my mind, I was immediatley able to dismiss it as unimportant. There was no time when I looked at my companions and said 'Oh my God'... as I did with my first MDMA experience. There was no time that I looked deep inside myself and realized some inner truth I had never seen, as with LSD. There was *nothing* to be reached, and it was, for lack of a better word, fun.
I can definitely see the potential for addiction. No matter what stress I was under (and believe me, right now, that's A LOT), it was temporarily removed...no, not removed, dismantled. It was still there, but, as the junky cliche' goes, I didn't care. I was suddenly aware of all the problems in the world... and I blamed everyone ELSE for their OWN problems... everyone seemed so childish for letting themself get into such messes. Look at me, I have problems, but I'm okay!
Perhaps the most unexpected result I got from this all, was the visual perspective... everything was *fast*. It wasn't all the time, but several times during the experience, my friends would move their arm, or get up to walk, and they seemed to be moving faster than the speed of light... their legs seemed to be full of endless energy, and I hated them for that.
We didn't really do much. We talked, I drank some water... Oh yah, I *DID* puke. I take that back, I RETCHED. I guess that was one sorta important detail I left out... after she completed the injection, I had a whole slew of negative emotions for about 10 seconds, and I get very fearful... then it hit me full-on, and I grabbed the trashcan next to me and hurled into it. I could go into great detail about how odd it felt when i DID puke, but I'm sure no one wants to know about all that.
It is now 11:00 the same night, and I still feel odd. Obviously, I'm not nearly as smashed as I was, but I can still tell there is something different about me. Most of the apathy is gone, but I am a bit irritable at the moment. I did notice that I didn't itch. I *do* pop a lot of opiate prescription pills... I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not, but I really didn't itch that much at all. As I said, I can definitely understand the potential for addiction, and I respect the drug completely.
I personally, however, do not feel I will have any sort of addiction problems. Sure, I would enjoy doing it again tomorrow... but I won't.. Some would argue that makes me an addict... I had AMAZING sex last night, and I'd love to do it again tonight... does that make me some sort of sex crazed maniacal nymphomaniac? No. There is NOTHING wrong with having the desire to do something pleasurable. It's when that desire takes control of your life that you have a problem. This is not a desire I will let take over my life.
Thanks to all who helped me out before and during this experience.
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