Citation: Zero. "Hippiecracked: An Experience with Nitrous Oxide (exp4636)". Erowid.org. Dec 30, 2001. erowid.org/exp/4636
acid was lucid, shrooms were spritual, weed was hazy, and nitrous was godhead.
for a three month period, and once again for a 2 1/2 month period, every day, i would smoke some weed and proceed to inhale 72 cartridges of nitrous. to obtain the money needed for such a habit i sold much of what i owned. i had gone as far as you can go on various psychs and when i found nitrous i knew this was my drug(though i have yet to try ketamine).
i saw it all. every possible variation of being was exhausted half-way through a trip. there was no similarity in any two inhales; each balloon presented its own hallucinations, obe's, ego death and universes peelin away. the only common denominator was infinity: no matter what occured, it was absolutely outside of any concept of space or time. in fact, it seemed more like a vertical cut through all linear constructs to a simultaneous everything. in essence, a very schizophrenic oneness was achieved.
often beings would talk to me, i would predict correctly future events, i became various entities and visited every dimension concievable.
for some reason my friends did not experience the same intensity of blatant and nude infinity that i did(not to mention supra-real hallucinations, if that is what they were), which led me to delve deeper into the what the fuck and why the hell of nitrous.
the aforementioned amount of nitrous might not sound very detrimental to most seasoned trippers, but it was in my case.
every day i would wake up, drive to the store with a guilty feeling, a promise that this was the last time, and propose a rationalization that it was for purely metaphysical research purposes. i would then take my trip, come down, go to my girlfriend's house and think about the next day's trip the whole time.
i withdrew from friends, who by that time were nothing more than automatons, broke up with my girlfriend who couldn't compare to my nitrous highs, and basically became a hippy-crackhead. i was avidly writing music before nitrous, but during and afterwards i completely gave up. i was going to school studying audio engineering, but dropped out since it was no longer relevant to anything. i started drinking heavily as well to dull the times in between trips so i wouldn't have that nagging anticipation. self-hatred came into the picture as i realized i threw my whole life down the shitter in a mere three months, and then i quit and became a full-time alcoholic.
after half a year of limbo, i started up again. i engaged in self-mutilation(which is a bit graphic to go into) in an attempt to atone for my stupidity, i would beg friends to lend me crackers, beg the people working at the stores to sell me cartridges(which they were kind enough not to do when they realized i had gone completely insane), and basically went through all the cliche motions of a true addict.
i was addicted. i had to do it. i had to become integrated with everything on a level beyond this one. i had to have nitrous. looking back, as paradoxical as it seems(and paradox is definitely the key word for the nitrous experience), the desire to be one with infinity was really selfish, as i was ignoring friends, loved ones, and everyday responsibilities of this reality. realizing this one day when the girls at a local headshop showed genuine conscern, i quit.
i get stoned, i get a good alcohol buzz occasionally, but i don't do nitrous. my reaction to n2o completely destroyed my life and five years later i am still trying to put my mind back together. nothing is real anymore, which is true in essence but hard to work with, dimensions often overlap, and there's the feeling of being in an infinite negative feedback loop, of being 'stuck' in infinity instead of free within it.
that said, i don't regret a single hit, except that it ruined this life, one of but many. it is very pathetic and wasteful the way addiction can obliterate a life, especially with something as seemingly harmless as nitrous.
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