Citation: Tao. "5 Years of Loving and Hating: An Experience with Cocaine & Various (exp46053)". Erowid.org. Dec 3, 2007. erowid.org/exp/46053
||(powder / crystals)
I've been a cocaine user for five years. Over the past year my use has dropped significantly, but its still a part of my life and I'm still addicted as ever. I got hooked when I was 16 (I'm 21 now). At the time several of my friends were potheads and a few had begun using coke. I had come to hate cocaine's effect on my friends and never thought I'd use any drugs in my life. Yet, as a very political person even then, I strongly believed that pot (though not coke) should be legal. Eventually this pushed me to try pot and I quickly began using it regularly. I've smoked at least a few one hits every day for more than two years. However, I still love pot. It has negative effects but as long as I stay focused on my future goals and stay motivated I can use pot and still succeed. I am currently a senior in college and will be graduating with honors, despite my significant drug use.
Cocaine, however, is an entirely different story. I began using it approximately two months after I started smoking pot. It was an 'accident' too, me and a friend had attempted to get ecstasy which I wanted to try once. However, the x fell through shortly before I had to be home. My friend, who was already a regular cocaine user at 15, mentioned she could get coke quickly. Having set my mind on trying something new, especially a stimulant since I had never tried one, I took her up on it. I was scared and, despite spending $30, I turned it down at first when it was put in front of me. Me and my friend were alone in a cemetery, which also made me paranoid. Yet my friend pushed me to do it since it was my money that bought it. I did what I would now consider a regular sized line, maybe a little over an inch long.
I fell in love with it, immediately asking for another one. After a second line I took her to her house and took about two more lines worth home. After finishing it I called her telling her how great I felt. I didn't even have a bad come down, I just wanted more. Over the next few months I quickly became addicted with another friend who had started using coke the same week as me. For a long time we didn't believe long-time users who warned us of never-ending addiction and who had told us the drug was far more evil than it seemed. We thought it was harmless and fun, though expensive.
And then we started stealing. We would steal cd's to sell, we'd pawn things, we'd steal pot and sell it or trade it. By the age of 17 me and all my friends were very addicted. I was one of the worst. I skipped constantly my senior year in high school in order to go get high, and I got away with it because I was an honor roll student (I have always kept up with school work, with few exceptions). When I did go to class I'd run to my car in between classes or go to the bathroom during class to do a line. Fortunately, I graduated with a good academic record and got accepted to a state university. I thought my use would dwindle.
I was wrong.
When my freshmen year, at a university an hour from home, began I received a good deal of money. Due to scholarships covering more than my tuition I was given $1,500 which, in addition to several hundred dollars I had, I spent in less than a month. I don't remember much of that university, I transferred to one in my home town after the first semester. All I know is that I was depressed when I was there, I had a great deal of money and, it being a large college, I had good access to alcohol and coke. I did both a great deal, though my pot use declined (due to a major 'weed drought') to the lowest its been since I began smoking. I don't want to make it appear that that’s all I bought, I spent my money on other things including a few cds, food, and gas but most of the money was for drugs. I often returned home when I couldn't get it there. Depression and a lack of self-control (partially due to the fact that I graduated a year early from high school, I was too immature to leave for college).
When I got home I began using coke more heavily almost immediately. I had enough control to minimize use when school was in session, almost always doing it twice a weekend. I did do it occasionally during the week maybe once a month.
The two summers (except this one) coming after freshmen year saw my worst use. I had too much time on my hands and a good, steady income from a stable job, and no bills to pay. Even worse, the same was the case for my four best friends. Between the five of us we could almost always get it and typically only refrained from use enough to catch up on sleep and eat enough to put on some weight. I particularly had weight problems, already weighing very little (about 125 lbs and 6 ft tall) I began losing pounds I couldn’t afford to lose. My all time low was probably 110, I’m 123 as of now.
These two summers were a roller coaster of highs and lows. Cocaine had already began making me depressed and the comedowns steadily were becoming harder and harder to deal with, instead of easier. I would wake up every morning hating coke for the way it made me feel after a night of long use. However, by mid-day I’d begin craving it, I wasn’t able to put it out of my mind. Typically I’d call at least one friend by the evening to convince them to do some with me (at least one was always willing and had at least a little money). We could almost always get it, though sometimes we’d have to wait for hours… often just driving aimlessly, anxiously waiting for the cell phone to ring.
We’d do it all night, often we’d end up getting more to ward off the comedown until bedtime. As soon as we were out we’d all race home to get in bed immediately. Certainly it usually took hours to fall asleep, but lying in bed motionless helped the heinous comedown. My behavior was erratic, my mood would shift from excited when I knew I was going to get some soon, to happy when we had it, to sad when we were almost out, to almost suicidal depressed when we came down. We drowned out the depression when we were not doing it on a particular day by using lots of pot and alcohol, more than kids of 18 and 19 should. We also had begun trying other drugs, though we only tried each a few times at most, namely shrooms and ecstasy.
During my sophomore and junior years I did great in school, received a lot of academic recognition and no one seemed to notice when I was high. This probably was because I was almost always high in classes, even exceptionally hard ones (Legal Philosophy, as an example). Typically, when I was in class I’d be high on pot and alcohol, though I began using opiate prescription pills (mostly vicodin, though darvocet and percocet were used from time to time) half way through my junior year. Coke was always there on the weekends.
I began cutting down the second semester of my junior year. It became something I used once a week or every other week. I did a decent amount throughout the past summer, though binged out for two or so weeks. I don’t do it like I used to now, having come to hate the drug. I still do it regularly, though, and can’t be around it without doing any. I am working harder to fight the addiction, actively telling myself how cruel it has been to me. I have heart pains often, my nose is barely in working order…always sniffing because of it being noticeably runny. In the end it was a major mistake to try coke, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I will quite someday, hopefully soon but it’ll always be present in my mind, I’ll be addicted long after quitting.
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