Citation: Jon. "The Dark Side: An Experience with Morning Glory & Cannabis (exp46043)". Erowid.org. Dec 1, 2007. erowid.org/exp/46043
Monday Night (Aug 22, 05)
The summer of my first morning glory experience was in the midst of a very reconnecting summer, learning a lot more about plants and nature and finding very self-actualizing adventures around every corner. My roommate, Tom, and I both worked at a very small-scale daycamp located on an island with a very vibrant ecosystem and a large community of animals.
Coming home from work on a Monday left us somewhat tired and hungry. After our after-work almost ritual joint we sat around talking for a while about a few things we were working on and the morning glories I had ordered and had lying around came up to the point where I suggested that we try them. After some thought about the fact that it was Monday night and we had to work the next day we agreed and proceeded to do an exact count of the seeds we would eat in order to gauge our dosage as accurately as possible. We counted out 250 seeds each.
In order to heighten the effects as much as possible we didn't eat until well after midnight. At 8:00 or so we ground the seeds slightly in a coffee grinder and made a morning glory/earl gray tea in the hopes that a liquid would be digested faster and easier than simply eating the seeds. The rest of the seeds we ate in their lumpy wet state to maintain the dosage size.
8:45 we reported no noticeable effects from the initial 250 seed dose.
9:00 we ground up another 150 seeds, to a finer powder this time, and had this in the same manner. I couldn't swallow the last of my part of the lump from the taste.
Immediately after we finished the latter part of the seeds we started to report a very noticeable effect that could not be ignored and agreed that we didn't necessarily need to eat the later amount of seeds. I felt somewhat nauseous from the seeds and not having eaten since lunch. We started to watch What the Bleep do we Know, a movie that discusses in a very simple way the basics of Quantum Physics and this was of understanding the universe, which I believe led to a very different trip.
10:30 I decided that the experience was pleasurable but since I was somewhat tired, still feeling a little sick, and had to get up in the morning I would smoke a joint and go to bed. I got to my room, lit some candles, decided to put on Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd while I slept to turn off automatically, rolled a joint and while I was smoking it decided it would be interesting to move my computer's surround sound speakers to surround my bed. I repeatedly set up the speakers, thought of another cool idea to try and then re set them up.
11:30 my room was rearranged so that at the foot of the bed there were the three forward points of sound and my bed had 3 pillows: one in each corner of the double bed with the two rear sound points underneath them and the third lying on top of the middle of those two. A subwoofer was on the floor to the right of the bed at about my waist level lying down. I had all light shut out, my clock was unplugged so the light would not disturb my music experience and my cellphone alarm on to wake we me up the next morning, the LED lights on my computer, and speakers were covered with things lying around, I had smoked two joints, and was starting to feel some very strong effects easily distinguishable from that of the pot.
11:45 or so, I got into bed, lay perfectly still and pressed play at the beginning of the album again. In the dark I waited for the heartbeat to begin and by the time of the first sound my eyes were closed and no other senses were stimulated. I concentrated on the sounds at the begin and was instantly lifted up as the music came to a relaxing plateau during Speak To Me/Breathe. I began to feel a little worried that I might fall asleep feeling a little bit sick and vomit, choke and die in my sleep. I felt to tied to the bed to move, I realized I could no longer move my limbs. My experience while the music was on was inextricable linked to the the themes and atmospheres of the music.
I began to think of my life during the first part of the song and all kinds of aspects in it like my girlfriend, my financial situation and just a variety of things that were on my mind day to day at the time. As the music went into the hypnotizing trance-like phase of the second part of track one I became totally hypnotized. My body became something I was conscious of but no longer necessarily able to control in any way. My out of body experience was real, I was separated, but it was totally inward, and only into the realm where thoughts and symbols existed to outline a path, no sensory inputs were possible. I was blind and mute, unable to feel anything. As the first long sweep carried me I realized that these are the things, these inputs and the ability to feel is what makes us human, what makes us alive. I realized that my fear had already been realized, or had it? As the sweep left I felt sucked down hard into myself, my brain collapsing on itself and my mind retreating to a vacuum of thought, realizing consciously that I was dead and that my mind was leaving my body. I was no longer able to feel my own heart beating or hear myself breathe over the music.
Still in the hypnotic part of the song I began to think about the theme of the first half of the track and some of the things going on in my life. The first thing I thought about was my friend outside in the living room who would have to be the one to find me here in the morning dead, and what would people think, who would think what. I thought about my girlfriend and began to have an experience of our love for each other, young and innocent, full of questions purposely left to answer. Hypnotized I forgot about the fact of my death and felt memories as if I was walking around in them.
As the next sweep came through I became aware again of the fact that I was dead and reliving parts of my life. I felt the loneliness of death and the absence of love which makes life more vibrant and bearable. I sucked down into myself deeper still than I had been. Maybe I was still in the process of dying I thought, and that I would go out in vibrations, becoming alive and more dead until I hit low point and rocketed down into the other dimension of being able of being a mind in a universe with no body to experience. Over the next hypnotic part between sweeps I felt empty, cold, and I realized what death would feel like when it finally happened, if it hadn't already. I was feeling death.
Then I began to think again, this time of my financial situation and on the downward part of the sweep I realized this was a fleeting preoccupation, something not important enough to occupy a living moment with. My life felt wasted at every turn, and not only was I dying but I was leaving a life unfinished. This turned to terror. I was nowhere near my body, but in this part of death I could feel only empty and alone, missing life. On the buildup before the crash at the end of the track I felt this anxiety build up and up, to a crushing point and then release. I felt like I was totally letting go of myself and like the end was coming. When the clocks struck the hypnosis faded and although I felt just as much the same I slowly over the next 5 minutes felt able mentally to wake myself up and rise out of the depths of this intensity to go into the other room.
12:00 Tom was in the other room talking to one of our other friends visiting and I got him to meet me, telling him about my experience. He told me he felt sick as well, having puked earlier, but was definitely not tripping as hard as I had been. He went back to tell our other friend that he would need to go to bed and was going to meet me back in my room.
I walked back to my room still terrified that if I fell asleep my brain, thinking that it had died would shut down and kill my body in the process. I began an attempt to accept my death. I decided it would be a good idea to pray and talk to God in order to save myself before I possibly died. I crawled onto my bed during the vocal solo on track three of the album and the instant my head touched the pillow I felt my mind melt deeply in the direction that I was falling into the bed. It let go again from my body and I realized that I was dying at that instant. I was lifting up to heaven, my mind had changed tunes. I was now drifting off to another death. But at the realization that I had taken a drug which in turn had killed me, the result of an overdose, I realized I had committed a sin, had lost a chance for repentance and watched as the white light started to burn. I didn't take a downwards dive, no change of direction, but heaven changed in front of me from open doors to a fiery pain that would never end. I felt loneliness and anxiety flash back with a fierce intensity again, but jolted myself as my head hit the wall from falling forwards. I turned off the music.
Now absolutely convinced that I was having my last daylight experience I felt more scared than I had when I first went out to get Tom. He came into the room and we used quantum physics, existentialism and different attempts at logic to teach my brain that it wouldn't die. We dubbed my immersion technique 'swimming', decided that Dark Side of the Moon should be played at my funeral and left the night at that.
1:30 I felt real enough, having come down from the plateau caused by my sensory deprivation, to finally go to bed. To comfort myself I had my friend promise me he would cover for me at work the next day so I didn't have to go.
Tuedsay Morning (Aug 23, 05)
7:00am. My friend woke me up to go to work. Throughout the entire morning and afternoon noticeable effects lasted until later in the evening. We didn't feel totally sobered up until the next morning after a second night's sleep, meaning that the effects we felt lasted well over 24 hours from a 400 seed dose. That day at work we felt as if our dialogue was more accurate and precise than it had ever been. We felt as if we philosophized and discoursed with a previously unfelt perfect, like our lives had been changed. Although tired I felt more conscious and aware of my surroundings than ever before. The plants that we lived around seemed more real and conscious and the nature that we were in such close proximately seemed very much a part of us. Although the children we worked with were completely silent during our conversations about life, the two dimensionality of our experience living on the earth, the creation of the world, etc. we also felt like we shared something more with them. While we felt an understanding like we hadn't felt before, we also could feel our lack of understanding and our shortcomings.
Whether this was the effect of the drug or the seeming experience of death the night before, or more probably a combination of the two, I wasn't sure. I don't mean to say that the later part of my experience, although far less intense, made up for the experience of the night before, and I don't mean to say that I enjoyed the experience. However, I am immensily glad that this happened, and feel turned around, or that this experience has started to reconnect myself with my body and my life in a new way by drawing a clear distinction of where it goes. I feel the transcience of life in a renewed way and am excited about the future. I hate to add an adjective of pleasure or distast to the experience. As Tom and I often will say to one another, an anecdote from another adventure that summer, once you choose to have an adventure, you can't choose your adventure.
I have enjoyed meditating and philosophizing about this trip as much as I enjoyed having it, and could write a few pages more about different thoughts, but those thoughts are my own. I tried here simply to share, or to describe the possibility of intensity to other curious fledgling psychonauts like myself.
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