Citation: R00fi3s. "Hated it, Loved it, Lost it, Now it's Mine: An Experience with Amphetamine (Adderall) (exp46014)". Erowid.org. Sep 17, 2007. erowid.org/exp/46014
I have had my experiences with several different substances, pretty much all starting last November. Weed and alcohol are just classics, and have been with me for a few years now. My first 'pill' being Hydrocodone, one of my favorites that I will never ever forget. Moving through the chain of Amphetamines, Methylphenidate, Codeine, Benzos (mmm, never gonna forget lorazepam), Psilocybin Mushrooms, DXM, and so on. Coke will hopefully come sometime soon, I've been itching to try it for a long time now. I've always seemed to be an uppers kind of guy. This report is obviously about my buddy Amphetamine.
This is probably my third written report for about the pharm Adderall, the mixture of D- and L- Amphetamines. The first time I tried it recreationally, thirty miligrams of normal Adderall gave me intense euphoric feelings plus the 'tingly' sensation. It ended with me not being able to sleep since I took it at 8 pm, and crashing sometime during lunch in school. I never wanted to touch that shit again.
About six weeks later I decided to give it another try. I ended up taking twenty-five miligrams throughout the first four hours of school and was feeling amazing. I think this would have topped any experience I have ever had with Adderall except for the fact that the school cop pulled me out of my sixth period class and lied to me while an ambulance came to take me to some mental place. My dad and I got into a fight the day before and my parents felt I was a 'Threat' even though I was just drunk at that point in time. Put it this way: I just hoped to God they wouldn't take my pulse or blood pressure at the hospital. Needless to say, they did. My pulse was 110 just standing there. I was probably nervous too as well. I mean who wouldn't be at a looney-bin? I'm just glad it wasn't rehab which was my original thought in the ambulance on the way there.
I felt like I had lost everything being locked up in that piece of shit, especially my girlfriend. I had no idea how long I would be there. The only thing I hoped for was that somehow I would have another amphetamine experience like I did last time, one that lasted about 26 hours, hopefully this time longer. Never did. I ended up getting out of that place in three days approximately because I attended group sessions and all that blah blah bullshit that they force you to do until you're all conformed into little good kids.
Once out, only seeing the recreational aspect of Adderall I tried telling my parents that I've taken it for a long, long time throughout high school and it helps me. They were going to send me to a shrink anyways so what could it possibly hurt? Hell, they were all for it, until they talked to the drug and alcohol therapist I had to see in the same department. She basically told my parents exactly what all D.A.R.E. programs, and all 'drugs are bad' organizations tell us, 'Adderall is a controlled substance, it's speed, it's bad, it's illegal.' and so on until I cut her off because I knew all this shit and tried to lie saying it helped me. For the next six months while seeing a shrink that refused to even look at the ADHD subject, I was drug tested weekly. Fuck. That must mean no more pot for sure, and Adderall or Ritalin can only be taken three to four days out of the week. On top of that I was pretty much stuck in my house for a couple months at the beginning for the mental hospital incident.
Put it this way, my life was so boring and shit at that point that the only things I could do that I could get a hold of were DXM (which I'm done with) and alcohol. I drank so much during those months that I myself, someone who loved alcohol cannot drink literally more than a couple times a week because I overused it to the point of not being able to stand it. Of course I have my meds and weed now so that's all that matters.
I finally got out of the bullshit therapy and had to stop from laughing at the bitch the day of my 'discharge' because she thinks she helped me 'quit' all these 'terrible things'. She asked me what she could do to improve the program for future people. I had to hold back the comment 'Piss test us every day or it isn't going to matter.'
Even after all these months I went from just using Adderall recreationally to also seriously help me during school and other times when it really was handy. I talked to a new psychologist who asked me what I felt like on the meds. That's when it dawned on me. 'I can sit, listen to music, relax, do homework, and any other tasks. It just relaxes me. It calms me down.' Boom.
Right there I thought about it for a second, the one thing I have noticed every time I took it but still overlooked it because in a sense it still does 'speed' me up. I'm more awake, and in a sense more talkative with a general mood lift. No shit, anyone would still get those feelings but I thought about the kids who hate their Ritalin because it makes them less 'hyperactive'. I can sit on my bed and look at the ceiling for hours while listening to any music. Hell, the music isn't even necessary I can just sit there not caring about a thing in the world, but just be extremely relaxed and happy. If there was something I had to get done however, I have the motivation to do it and do it well. But sitting is just so damn amazing.
Now when you think of 'speed' or 'crank' do you think of the user sitting still? Hell no, it's the exact opposite or should be anyways. Right there in that room with that psychologist I realized that I missed something huge for all those months. I had ADD for real.
I went to this Psychologist because my parents and I constantly argued and not get along. He believes there is an 'impulsive' ADHD. Apparantly I don't think before I speak to my parents. I guess. I mean I walk in the house and instead of saying 'Hi', it's more of a 'Fuck you mom.' On the meds, I talk to my dad about shit I would never talk to him normally. I kid you not I was asking him about firetrucks and helicopters one morning before school like it was so damn important and mattered. I don't find myself necessarilly having to 'get up and do something' on Adderall like a lot of people I know. I should have known this whole ADD thing or at least suspected it from the get-go when my friend told me the first time. 'You're just going to go home and crash on your bed and lay there feeling amazing, probably on the phone, doing homework etc. No matter what position you sit in you're comfortable.'
So knowing that small piece of information, I went to the shrink he recommended. I had a trial month on Adderall XR found that 50 mg of that ended up being my most comfortable. I found that with XR the 'second dose' almost seemed diminished due to acidic or fattening foods I ate throughout the day so I got switched to regular Adderall 25 mg, 2 of those beautiful 12.5's, twice a day.
For one thing it is the only medication that I have ever been so glad to be on that I'm excited to wake up in the morning just to feel the Amphetamines hit me within about ten minutes because I'm usually not a breakfast person and have an empty stomach. It's like a morning cup of coffee or cigarette. Yeah, amphetamines are habit forming and not taking it one day would probably be a bitch due to withdrawl headaches and tiresome. For the most part it gets refilled pretty much on time so I don't need to worry about that. I have ephedrine stocked up in case we go a day late and I need to desperately stay awake without putting blow up my nose, so we're good.
I feel as if I'm the only idiot prescribed to the meds that actually enjoys it and is actually taking it as prescribed. I mean yeah, somedays I wake up late I don't take the second dose and I'll have an extra two stocked up for a little excitement on a day I don't have to do anything. Like today for example. Nothing had to be done all day so I took 37.5 to start with, one more later, then two later in the day topping me off at 75. I feel relatively comfortable with it as compared to the first few times due to the bad experience and thought I'd die from going over thirty miligrams. Personally I start to get uncomfortable after more than 50 at one given dose just because that first time, I will always remember, even though nothing serious happened.
I'm so glad I gave this medication a second chance even though it was for recreational uses because if it weren't for that I would not be taking it at all now and definitely not be using it for what it's really for. (except some days when I want a little extra 'rush') It just kind of sucks during the summer when it's so damned hot outside.
Now that I understand I'm probably feeling a little different than a lot of people do on this medication, I kind of wish I could get that 'coked out speedy insaneness' just once to see what normal people feel when they 'Abuse' it. I know I could but it would take a much higher dose for me and I don't really want to do that yet. To me, this med seems like it's the perfect drug that can help me out on a daily basis and allow me to be able to read whole paragraphs without forgetting what I was reading about or be able to listen to lectures in class without sitting and scratching lines into my notebook while not paying attention to what's going on, while making me feel great thanks to it's dopamine antagonizing reuptake inhibiting actions, while keeping me awake with motivation and energy (not a necessarilly an insane amount), and at the same time on those days like today can give me imense pleasure at higher doses but allowing me to sit in one place at the same time. Amazing.
I've noticed that when I started my medication legally for the first time I also had a lot less desirability (if that's a word) to abuse other substances (Pot overcame me eventually, I love that stuff) especially drinking, and nicotine. People claimed that I was more of a mellow guy. They did however miss the old me. I guess I was more of a uncaring 'I'll smash your mailbox' pill-popping bastard. Now I don't really enjoy shit like vandalism and ruining other people's things. I actually want to stay out of trouble. You know what though? All those people that are bitching for me to get off my medication and want to bitch at my shrink because he took the old 'me' away, can go eat a big one because I know I feel much better in every way shape or form on my meds, just as an individual. I never thought it would get that far. I never thought that three little blue pills that I popped the first time ever to get a quick cheap high would become something that helps my everyday life. I never thought I would end up respecting those little blue pills more than I would ever know. You guys reading this right now gotta give it up for those little blue pills. I'd better hear you clapping over the internet.
Now if only I could feel those tingles that I haven't felt since the first time ever my life would be perfect, but it just don't happen. How can you kids seriously not like your ADD meds? You know who you are, the ones that sell them or give them out to your friends because you don't like being able to sit still. I enjoy the 'mellowness'. It keeps me out of trouble and off of other substances for the most part.
What really does piss me off though is that my mom put me through therapy to keep me away from the stuff then she all of a sudden fights for me to go on it. What the hell? Now the son of a bitch is on it herself. Look, I've spread the word of the lord to my own mom.
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