Citation: Zemfira. "A Day to Forget All Responsibilities: An Experience with Oxycodone, Lorazepam (Ativan), Quetiapine (Seroquel) & DXM (ID 45693)". Erowid.org. Dec 23, 2008. erowid.org/exp/45693
Time: 12:10 pm: I have just crushed (to ruin the time-release) and snorted half of a 10 mg oxycodone and put one ativan tab under my tongue and dissolved it. It feels amazingly good already, like my mind is beginning to float somewhere. I'm only afraid of getting nauseated, which sometimes happens to me from random meds. I'm also smoking a cigarette and drinking a Tab. I stole the oxy and the ativan from my mom who has cancer -- she has so many of these pain pills, she takes them all the time and doesn't feel high at all, although when she is lying in bed relaxing she can't distinguish dreams from reality. I'm hoping to feel that, too, or - as an alternative --nothing-- that kind of nothing-high.
Also: the lexapro and wellbutrin are meds I take normally for depression and anxiety. I am not doing anything recreational with them, but they are technically in my system, so I'm including them for reference and research purposes. I also have the period-week placebo bcp in me, too. But I think that's nothing.
Time: 12:25 pm. Snorted the other half of the oxy and put another ativan under my tongue. Starting to feel more woozy and good. Am noticing extreme sensitivity to sound - it seems like normal noise, like the clock ticking or the clacking of the computer keyboard, is okay, but voices (my mom talking, voices on the phone) are so loud and they hurt my eardrums. Why do people have to shout all the time? Am smoking another cigarette, which tastes extremely nice. I notice the smell of the cigarette much more than usual.
Time: 12:30pm. I know it's only been five minutes but I'm impatient and want to get as high as possible. The second ativan is still dissolving but I want to crush and snort the other 10 mg. oxy. I want to just lie here and float away, but I have to pretend to chit chat with my mom when she comes home in a few minutes. Let's see if I can act normal. My mouth tastes terrible and is very dry. Chew some sugarless gum. Thinking of having a shot of alcohol to intensify the situation. Just a drop, not too much, because I don't want to get sick and ruin it all - I just want to be more woozy, more high. I wonder if it's not working as well as heroin - they say the high from oxy is the same, but it's not intense enough. Maybe that's because I'm 'curvy', or 'round', or whatever the nice words for 'fat' are. Maybe I need more to get a boost?? This needs to be considered. Am I manic? I'm typing quite a lot here, and it's probably not fascinating info. I'm a little paranoid that I'm boring but talking too much.
12:40: I've decided that, even though crushing and snorting is super fun (it feels like a ritual, I feel more rebellious, like I'm doing coke or something), I want to try chewing the bitter nasty pill and seeing if it works differently. Will do so at this moment. Chew Chew Chew - it tastes heinous, but I am not opening my nasal passages, so it's not so bad. Will rinse it down with caffeinated Tab. Yum. More sugarless gum is necessary, it's a very bitter taste, ick.
Almost immediately I feel much higher, but slightly nauseated. Will just close my eyes and relax. It's been a half hour since I started this experiment, and I have taken 20 mg oxy, 2 atavans, smoked two cigarettes and have drunk some caffeine. Next step might be alcohol, but only if I feel desperate that it's not doing enough. Iíve heard oxy works in 'waves', so I don't want to OD by assuming it's not working and adding alcohol to the mix, then dying. I *do* have a suicide wish in general, sort of. But I'm not ready to go today, probably. I just want to be free of problems, floaty and happy. I just want to be left alone not to have to socialize, but just to let my thoughts wander and drift in and out. This is the goal.
12:45pm eyes are closing, I'm typing with them closed and taking deep breaths to relax. I could fall asleep sitting up and typing, I think. My eyelids are heavy, I'm hungry too but won't allow myself to eat because I have an eating disorder, too, and like to starve myself. It's basically anorexic behavior without the 20% underweight, missed three months of periods criteria. I'm fat, yet anorexic. It's an eating disorder not-otherwise-specified. Maybe this is helpful to oxy users, maybe not at all.
12:50 am now falling asleep. Will just let myself go and see where it takes me. My mom is coming home soon and I have to watch her try on a dress and act interested and normal, but until then, Iím closing my eyes.
12:55 so it's been five minutes, and I feel like I need to report that my face is warm, and my skin is itchy. I'm glad because that means the oxy is in my bloodstream, it's working. So I should be experienceing whatever it has to offer, right? I've got my eyes closed, and am lying on my back on my bed with my laptop propped on my stomach typing blindly. I feel generally good and relaxed. If someone came in and said they set my car on fire, I think I would just shrug and say, fine, I'll look at it later. I'm fired from my job? Oh well, I'll get by. My best friend is dead? Hm. Think about it later. I'm pretty damn itchy though. Better not scratch too hard or it will be obvious and no one should suspect I stole the pills or else they'll get hidden. And I need access to them again! This is the third day in a row I've done this. Also as an aside, I am technically having my period starting right about now, and I don't feel a damn thing because of the oxy. It's awesome, it takes away menstrual cramps. The only thing is, when it wears off I get a headache. I don't know if it is always going to happen, but it happened the past few days when Iíve done this.
I don't think I'm manic. I think if I weren't trying to record this experience for others that I would be passed out in blissful - land. It's one of those tired-sleepy feelings where I would end up burning down the house with my lit cigarette that I forgot about.
1:05 I am going to take a seroquel (quetiapine) - it's an antipsychotic medication for schizophrenia or bi-polar. I'm neither, just your run of the mill depressed neurotic freak show. But the wellbutrin was hyping me up and I wasn't sleeping, so my psychiatrist added seroquel to the cocktail - take at night before bed - and it's nice, too. Thinking of adding it to today's special, as it were. BTW for schizo and bi-polar the dose is 600-1000mg, and I'm only taking 25, so it's no big deal. I love mind-altering experiences. Why would anyone want to function sober? Itís so stressful. The pills are changing my mood -- all the overwhelming shit is so dumped in a pile under my bed right now and I am just relaxed and feeling like being an underachiever is the most awesome way to have a meaningful life. Just do shit that makes you happy, you only live once. Everyone ends up in a grave.
1:10 ingesting the seroquel after the five minute spiel I just gave you. getting up to get it and walking across the room was hard and kind of fun, I feel like a drunk-walk kind of feeling. I stole a third ativan and chewed it up. My mom was home so I tad to chit chat about the dress but then I knew I had to go out and be alone in my stinky basement room with my cigarettes and Tab and the lovely highs I should be going through. My eyes see double and are really relaxed, I want to like down and close my eyes and smoke. aaaah
1:45 where is the time going> feeling antsy need a cigareette. My muscles are a little wobby, shaky, but no t bad, just interesting. Must find lighter. Iím on a mission.
1:55 found lighter, smoked and was spaced out to the point of almost burning self and bedsheets. Am blissfully sleepy and am playing with my puppy on my bed. This is how I always want to be, with blurry eyes, so spaced out and relaxed. Donít want to get up later and call in for a meeting this evening for work *I am a professor at a university*, very young, very not into hard work and stress, see you after a nap.
5:23: alarm goes off, and I am hit with an increible dizzy rush as I struggle to turn off my cell phone. Thank god I set an alarm, I have a psychologist's meeting in 7 minutes and look and feel like crap, like Iíve got the flu. Can't see straijgt to type, keys are blurry. Hands a bit shaky and uncontrolled. hopefully I can feel uninhibited during the therapy to talk about all my problems, but hopefully I will also feel floty.
5:30 alarm goes off and hit it off for real, only to realize that my therapist had called while I was totally high. He had apparently tried to all while I was passed out and now wants to schedule for an hour later at 6.30. One more blissful hour, o, rapture! I feel shaky, groggy, tiny headache upon waking. These will hopefully lead me back into dreamland for now. Through the back of my closet and out into a secreat dream world. noitce my coordination gone way down. nmmmmmm drugs plseas help Iím cold and shaky and I would ordinarily like to be this blitzed all day, but I have a shirk appopnment in an hour.
9:50 pm I drove but was not at all sober. [Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
Had a phone session with my therapist, and admitted to him that I want to have sex with him. It was kind of hilarious, I had no inhibitions, I rambled and rambled, then cried and cried. It was okay, all in all. Afterwards I realized Iíd smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, so I went to the store to get more. Ended up getting Vicks Cough medicine and guzzling half of it in the parking lot, smoking a cig, and driving home. Iím pretty baked, so I will cancel an evening phone meeting I have that's related to my job. Then I'll just lie there with the tv on and drool on myself till I have to wake up for work tomorrow.
10:15 feeling nauseated, think Iím gonna barf. Mouth is watering like crazy, itís only -- yep. I just barfed. It came out so quickly, thank god I had a trashcan. It came out in several violent spurts of cherry flavor.
10:20 I have a hangover feeling. Sweaty, woozy, with a headache.
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