Citation: Bob. "The Worst Days of My Life: A Warning About E: An Experience with Unknown (sold as Ecstasy) (exp4550)". Erowid.org. Jan 8, 2001. erowid.org/exp/4550
||(pill / tablet)
I have used ecstasy once. I will never use it again.
My brother had just rolled the night before i got the pills i had waited three weeks for, increasing my own eagerness to experience what i had heard so many good things about. I had purchased three small, light green pills (with no markings on them) from a semi-reliable source for myself and two friends. We popped them around 10:30 on a friday and, though my pupils dilated within fifteen minutes, i didn't even begin to roll for over an hour and a half. I will try to describe the roll only briefly, for what came after is far more important.
The music is what affected me first, and what i recall most vividly. A friend was playing various Indian pieces, some classical, some synthesized. To call the sensation they induced in me 'orgasmic' would not do it justice. I felt music like never before. i moved in harmony with it. i touched others. they touched me. All inhibitions were entirely discarded. I felt social, but at the same time completely self-absorbed. While the music played, I closed my eyes, all of my faculties devoted to the experience of the music alone. I did not think, I only felt. The past and future did not exist. All that mattered was the moment, and the feelng. Later, I went outside, with friends. The trees, most singularly, looked amazing. It was as if i was seeing them more clearly than i ever had before. The sensation of the bark against my cheek, and the wet grass on my bare arms was equally powerful. It was perhaps fifty degrees outside, and the cold felt very pleasurably stimulating.
I was considerably more hyper than my fellow first-timer, which leads me to believe there was a large quantity of speed in my pill (I clenched my jaw much more, as well, and several times, felt induced to sprint, which i did. It was as if i was pumping my legs a thousand times a second beneath me). Anyway, i rolled very hard for almost two hourse so, came down for a few hours more, and went to bed around 4:30 in the morning. I awoke around nine feeling beautiful and energetic.
For the next two days, i continued to feel very 'up.' I recieved great pleasure just sitting in the grass, feeling the sun on my face. I felt wonderfully connected to all natural things: the trees, the grass, even the soil. I was by no means still rolling, but i certainly hadn't come all the way down yet. On the third day, my mood began to change. I alternately felt blissful, and feverishly sick. Immediately after class and work, I headed to my room, intending to sleep. Yet when i got to my room, for reasons I cannot clearly define, I was unwilling even to get into bed. Everything was beginning to feel very 'wrong.' I started to put some music on, but turned it off before it even started. I was beginning to feel mentally/psychologically dislocated, if that makes any sense. All I know is that I was beginning to come unhinged, and I felt like i was going to go insane if i stayed alone a moment longer. I spent most of the rest of the day with people. I talked about how I felt with the others i rolled with...both of them were fine. That night, the feelings that had begun earlier that day reached their highest and worst point. Latent fears, fear that i had done something irreparable to my brain, fear that i was forever damaged, came boiling to the surface. That night was absolutely the worst night of my life. If the roll itself had been ten times better, it still would not have compensated for what came after. I was not simply depressed, it was not just a change of mood, a 'down' feeling. I felt confused, disoriented, i felt like i wasn't me, i felt unconnected with my life. I wanted nothing more than to go back to the day before I rolled, or to be rid of this feeling. I wouldn't say that I contemplated suicide, by I do now understand how someone could do such a thing. If I had continued in that condition, without improvement, for even a few days more I would likely have killed myself. I can't be expect to live without my mind, now can I.
I slept through my morning class the next day, but went to my later class. Only a few minutes after class started I knew I couldn't stay, nothing made sense anymore, my intellectual ability seemed to have evaporated. The realization of my inability to think clearly drove me to virtual panic. I was almost hyperventilating and on the verge of complete breakdown as i ran/walked out of the classroom. I went straight to the couseling center. There I let myself release the anxiety that had been building up, which helped enormously. Still, my brain was not functioning normally, though I did my best to be optimistic, to not let paranoia get the best of me, as it just had.
For the rest of that day and in the days that followed I made an effort to remain hopefull, to stabilize myself emotionally. I watched movies and hung out with friends, 'waiting it out.' Each day, I recovered a bit of memory and reasoning ability. Each day, teachers made a little more sense, and I was able to do a little bit more homework than I could the day before. Each day, I felt a little bit more normal, a little bit more like I had my 'bearings' back. By a week or so after my roll, I felt reasonably normal again. It was a better feeling than I ever could have imagined.
I have spent many hours wondering what the fuck went wrong. No ecstasy experience i've heard of compares with my own. The roll itself, the euporia and hypersensitivity, would seem to indicate MDMA, my excessive energy (my heart was pounding so hard it almost scared me) perhaps points to amphetamines. I wonder if there was something else in the pill that caused my week long ordeal, which was far worse than, and far different from the so-called 'tuesday suicide.' The others with whom I rolled experienced none of my after-effects, though their pills looked the same, and were presumably from the same batch. Could a depletion of seratonin in the brain alone cause my experience? Is it likely that there was something in my pill that wasn't in the others? My advice to anyone who uses E or is thinking about doing so: buy a test kit, they aren't that expensive, and they could be very much worth it. Better yet, if you value your brain, don't do ecstasy at all. I don't wish anyone to know what i have known.
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