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Glorious Pain, Beauty and Joy
by psiphi
Citation:   psiphi. "Glorious Pain, Beauty and Joy: An Experience with 2C-E (exp45329)". Dec 1, 2005.

12.5 mg oral 2C-E


Setting: Remote forest location.
Set: Good mood, excited, longing for peace.

Within an hour the most difficult feelings imaginable came up and I soon realized there was no way to escape them. Up to this point I had prided myself in my ability to integrate difficult feelings, and even that matter of pride was a painful emotion to face. So for a while I was having a hard time integrating them, and realized they were sticking to me like glue. Some of the feelings there were shame and unworthiness, and a lack of self-worth keeping me from facing them, and in that pain and shame there was no way to suppress them either - this was the real deal – no more bull-shitting myself. This is going to be a tough ride!

Over the next few hours, besides the unbelievably heavy body load, there are gazillions of feelings that came up all centered around pain I have caused and received. This was karma staring me in the face. One of the first feelings I remember was a consistent level of dishonesty that I have showed in my life with myself and others. So much bullshit, that I myself have come to believe it. The pain of this realization was so deep that it felt like a never-ending pit of despair, as if there was so much that a lifetime would not be enough to integrate it. I tried to think of something else, thinking that this was simply a part of the substance, my thoughts somehow creating these emotions. The body load made me realize that my inner image of youthfullness is not in alignment with my body's needs and wants. I am making my old injuries wrong because 'I'm too young to feel this way!', yet I DO feel this way, and needed to face that. Unlike MDMA which facilitates open-hearted communication, empathy and warmth, this facilitated INNER TRUTH, which means anything in the way is going to come out in full fury.

Over the next two or three hours I could barely move or communicate. Anything I tried to say or do, even a nod to acknowledge my trip partners was almost impossible. All I could do was face the pain, there was nothing else, it was all consuming, pervasive, everywhere, no escape. Silly me thinking it could be otherwise. With 2C-E I was rapidly, painfully discovering that not only have I have been suppressing these feelings for god knows what reasons, but now there was no way to suppress them any further. Times up! My bills have all come due! My emotions were naked, raw, exposed, vulnerable like never before. The self-honesty was brutal and ruthless, but soon enough I realized that surrendering to them yielded grace, acceptance, and joy.

I then basked in the glory of creation. I expressed deep gratitude to be alive to experience this at all. The forest landscape was magical, beautiful and meaningful beyond belief– it had energy, purpose, intelligence, compassion and empathy. The next thing I knew I had befriended a tree, and as I hugged the tree, it hugged me back. I felt a deep supporting connection like I had never felt before, and then realized I was a “tree hugger”. In that silly moment I laughed and cried with joy. There is so much healing energy in nature.

The next thing I know I was confronting my feelings about the current political climate. I realized I have so much pain around it, at just thinking of the sickness that ails human society. Then my feelings around Bush came up. After a short while, I had a realization that Bush was the second coming of Christ. He wasn't evil, but instead through total surrender, was becoming all that was bad on the planet – a mirror of all of humankind’s sickness played out on a world stage. And that the true meaning of this '2nd coming' was that we as a species need to realize this and reflect back unconditional love for everyone, most especially the concrescence of all of humankind's ails in one person. Only then will we transcend to a new utopia or be annihilated by Bush – as if Bush is both the anti-Christ and 2nd coming of Christ all wrapped up in one – a dualistic paradox of our own making, and one which we must transcend. Then it occurred to me that perhaps in some way this crazy metaphor makes sense. Regardless of what Bush is, sending unconditional love to him makes sense. But then finally, what struck me about this, to express unconditional love for everyone, especially those with the most power to destroy.

Then I realized that most of what I do when informing myself of politics is actually toxic to my emotional and spiritual health, and it has taken its toll on me and I needed to surrender and let it go of it all, and I did so. And there was this overwhelming sense of peace, so strong, I could barely stand, and realized I needed to ground myself, as this substance can really get me delirious.

As I took some deep, cleansing breaths, the clouds and tress become incredibly beautiful. It is impossible to find the words to describe them, and it was then for the first time in many years that I knelt and prayed to God. And soon realized I have so much pain still hanging on. This became a theme of this experience. Moments of relief, glory, peace and beauty, followed by more deeply negative feelings. As I breath through these feelings, and despite my best efforts, there was so much keeping me from remaining in the present moment. What a deeply humbling experience, crushing to my prideful ego in every way.

When I longed for the beauty and peace to return I realized my own longing was itself a cause of suffering. I was projecting beauty rather than seeing the beauty for what it is, a sense of desperation to escape the pain. At times it was almost completely unbearable, but it is true and it is my pain, and I have to accept that I'm carrying it. I try to breath through it, and feels like I am almost suffocating, but I continue to breath deep and fast. I begin to turn around, trying to feel what is the right way to go, for if I go the wrong way, I will feel pain, then I realize this is just another way to avoid the pain, so I keep breathing, no way to escape the pain, so I continue breathing, and then after a few minutes, feel glorious relief and gratitude to be alive. I lay myself on the ground, and bask in the glory of god's creation.

Then a few minutes later, there is more pain and sorrow and grief. I never imagined I had so many deeply intense unresolved negative feelings, “my god, please make it stop, this is such a punishing experience!!” I had to get up and start walking and breathing again. Then I came across a half-dead tree, as there were many in this area from a recent fire. I can feel the pain of the forest, and of man's impact on it. I feel deep sorrow again, and as I hug the tree I could feel this amazing powerful healing connection, the tree expresses gratitude towards me by offering itself to me as a means of support and embrace. It feels wonderful. But again as the constant theme for this experience, I am back into whole new levels of honest pain. In a deep way this pain started to feel good, because I knew I was healing deeper than I had ever done before. There were so many things that came up that it would take too long to describe. As this happened, I found I would go from a sense of knowing where I was and then feeling completely delirious, and caught up in head, the forest was there, but there was so much else going on that is impossible to describe. The forest was beautiful, so much so that I would become ungrounded again..

This feeling of ungroundedness persisted through most of the trip. I was afraid I would never be grounded again. I felt this deep fear that when the experience ended I would be caught in this delirious ungrounded state as some kind of new imprint, a scar from the experience. I wasn’t going to let that happen to me, and realized that I must face this pain and integrate it all into my overall sense of enjoyment. The universe is infinitely ecstatic already, if only I can let go and accept it. I decided that the pathway through this trying experience was to do my best to breath and stay grounded and to connect with both my feelings and all that was around me. As time wore on I could start to feel the tiniest inklings that I was going to be all right, that I was going to be able to integrate all of these feelings that were coming up. My fear was they were coming up faster than I could integrate them, so I got more earnest in surrendering to them. No holding back now, let it all go, go, go, go, “go into the forest, hike, run, do whatever, play experience, express your right to be alive, to exist on the earth, be free, to breath, to feel, to experience!!!” As I continue to breath and feel in earnest, the wave of peace and pain accelerated, each pain followed by integration into ecstasy, then more pain, then more ecstasy.

After what seemed like way too long, the peak started to end. By this time the peak state had lasted for at least 6 hours, maybe more. 6 hours of gut-wrenching pain and heavenly bliss. As the peak started to wear off, I slowly got an increased sense of groundedness that lasted longer between waves, and the waves themselves became less intense. As this happened, the feelings of peace and beauty lasted longer, and the feelings of pain less, and each wave came more opportunity for integrating all that had come up. By the time I approached baseline, I was feeling very happy, peaceful, centered, integrated and whole.

Despite the overwhelming pain I want to do this again. There is something deeply remarkable here - deeply healing and transformative.

Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 45329
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Dec 1, 2005Views: 32,073
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2C-E (137) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Nature / Outdoors (23), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)

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