Citation: Alice Cheetah. "Accelerated Alice: An Experience with Amphetamines, Methamphetamine & Various (exp45096)". Erowid.org. Nov 1, 2007. erowid.org/exp/45096
||(pill / tablet)
I wake up from the exhausted sleep of the dead at 7am. Reach reflexively for speed pills and alarm clock in one go, downing one and silencing the other simultaneously. Lie in bed, heart still racing from yesterday, waiting for the pill to take effect. Get ready and down two espressos and 1/2 a slice of unenticing toast. Jitter off on a cloud of nervous energy to work. Once there, I consciously slow down. Walking and talking slower than I'm inclined to etc etc.
Then after work off to the gym, heart accelerating ever faster, euphoric not unpleasant and queasy. Adrenalin and endorphins moderating and enhancing the amphetamine at the same time. Unpleasant dinner at home. I make myself eat, whether I want to or not, as a damage limitation exercise. I get low blood sugar otherwise, and feel terrible, although hunger pangs are of course reduced by speed. After unwelcome dinner I do various things like art work, phoning friends, looking for a new job, then I go and do anything between 2 and 20 lines, depending on whether I have work the next day and of course the potency of the speed. I sleep most nights, except at weekends and this way I can present a normal, if nervy, facade.
At the weekend this facade is revealed for the sham it is when I make up for the relative moderation of the week and consume seemingly endless amounts of speed. Sometimes, like yesterday, it refuses to work due to exhaustion. I become paradoxically slow (in my mind's eye, anyway) and either panic or sit rigidly still. At a crap party, like the daytime one I went to earlier, this results in furtive paranoia - too much daylight, too many people. In a more relaxed setting, like a friends house, I am merely silent, with mind whirring and depression descending fast.
So far this has been an accelerated century. I am now in the relatively early stages of amphetamine addiction number 3. Still outwardly healthy, not really very thin, strangely good skin and teeth. My 2nd habit was the worst, it included a foray into meth use and IV use as a 'treat' on most weekends. Meth isn't commonly available in England, and in retrospect that's a good thing for obvious reasons. IV usage meant 5 days without sleep as a fairly regular occurance, plus middle class conditioning flashing tabloid headlines each time I shot up, very hard to dismantle that.
This time, I'm much more covert in my operations. I don't really feel the need to go without sleep for ridiculous amounts of days and I don't enjoy amphetamine psychosis (oddly enough) which I practically invite by staying up so long. 5 times is enough for me! I am mainly doing pharmaceutical uppers prescribed by a dodgy diet clinic. Very 1960s, Requiem for a Dream like. Amazed at how easy it is, though mind you I was geniunely mildly overweight (164 pounds) when I started so I'm sure that helped. I think I look healthier despite doing it every day. The longest I can go without is 5 days, and sometimes having 4-5 times the dose (which is 75mg incidentally) as it's just the substance and some pill binding agents, no extras kindly provided by your dealer.
It's an endless (seemingly) cycle of taking speed for a while (occasionally, then weekly, then daily), then freaking out with anxiety, paranoia and exhaustion. Once I thought that a bicycle in a friends hallway was Marilyn Manson about to shoot me, and that three men ordering chips at the takeaway were in fact 9 men conspiring to kill me. Luckily I haven't got in any real danger or been locked up for amphetamine psychosis as I am relatively quiet and don't draw attention to myself. I usually am not alone and am just babbling and neurotic, pallid and shaking but not shouting or anything. The hallucinations were rather medieval at times, good to know my history of art degree is being put to use, demons under the bed, and other retrospectively embarrassingly baroque horror film scenery.
This is usually the catalyst for me stopping, at least for a while. I recognise the hallucinations for the fictions that they are, but, just like on my bad trips, it doesn't stop me from being scared out of my mind. Once I'm over it, (the worst of it is over by 3 days to a week) I can finally sleep. Either that or the same routine, except with mere exhaustion and paranoia. Then I crave and have actual withdrawal symptoms, cry a lot (costs a fortune in eyeliner) and eat and sleep to a phenomenal degree. My whole body is electric, my nervous system seemingly an exoskeleton - consumed by cravings regardless of how bad my last comedown was. All my interests and projects seem so dull and flat without speed.
Despite the fact that the negative aspects are about the same, if not greater than, the positive aspects, I keep coming back for more. For a substance that is supposed to be 'only' psychologically addictive, it seems incredibly hard to extricate myself from this cycle. Even a year later I'd sometimes crave. And when I got help there was sometimes a sort of 'come back when you have a heroin habit' type attitude from the counselors - get a grip on yourself, it isn't that bad. Do you want to kill yourself? Only on comedowns. Well then, can't be that serious then, and no, you certainly can't have any dexedrine! obviously I'm exaggerating here for comic/dramatic effect.
On the bright side, I am managing to stay off speed for longer and longer each time. Some of the reason I find it hard to motivate myself to quit is that I have loads to do and know I'll be so tired. It's a complex thing as this would be true but would not last forever by any means. In times of abstinence I still have multiple espressos, plenty of ephedrine and a fistful of Es so total cessation of all stimulant use seems a remote contingency at best.
Also it's so cheap and I've never had to do anything degrading to get it - I even exchanged art and backdrops for speed at one point - usually about £80 worth. One of my dealers started to come on to me, and it was then that I realised my friend (an IV user who made Nancy Spungen look like a poster girl for a health campaign) had a crack whore type arrangement going on with him and there was no way I going to do that - he was ugly (for a start) and I had 10 other speed dealers anyway.
I think that's quite enough, I could babble on but this is an inconclusive report as it is so no need for that!
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