Citation: Muscarine. "The Suicide Attempt: An Experience with Amitriptyline (exp44648)". Erowid.org. Jun 16, 2007. erowid.org/exp/44648
This is hard to explain, but here it goes. I've been a long time suffer of depression/anxiety for about 15 years now. Although I've done tones of hallucinogens, up until last year I was only smoking dope and tripping on cactus & M'Gs, hadnít had dope, shrooms or acid for years. But, I stopped it - I am getting on a bit. Turned to alcohol, as it was the acceptable norm - but has landed me in loads of bother. I've also been going through a reflective phase of my life as to why I am who I am etc. Have been experiencing a lot of deep routed problems and emotions over the last year - and problems with certain individuals...blah blah... you get the drift.
Anyway, life has been rotten lately and thinking about suicide a lot. Anyway, last Thursday, due to a certain amount of problems and people, I decided on an overdose (This has been my 4th attempt).I'm not going to explain the events of what made me do it, but have just got to explain how far gone I was.
I ended up in Hospital - unconscious at the time. But, I started to come around, floating in and out of consciousness when they where fixing me up with all the wonders of ECG's, drips and callipers (oh, painfull!!!). The 1st memories I had were lying in the bed, surrounded by specialists etc. I felt as though they were dissecting me, as though I was dead. I would wake up screaming and shouting out and screaming them just to fuck off. I kept going back under .At one point, I awoke and was surrounded by people I knew years ago, people I knew when I was as young as five. One of my old friends was sat by my bedside, holding my hand and reassuring me. I never heard, or recall words spoken - it just seemed so peaceful and safe.
Although this only went on for a matter of a few hours in reality, it seemed that days, sometimes weeks where passing by. One time I awoke and the whole thing went sickening and thought I was in Hell and in damnation - or close to it. It was total Hellraiser. The walls opened up, people were ripped apart. Screaming and the most demonic laughter was going on. I saw my friend hanging from a rope with the most sad expression on his face. There is so much detail in it, but I'm cutting it short, because it is still effecting me so intensely now. I took 14 x 50 mg of Amitriptyline, and had also had a fair bit to drink beforehand.
I am just so glad to be alive - I cannot explain how profound and deeply beautiful it was at times, but this was also a time of the utmost horror. Somebody, or something somewhere has given me a 2nd chance! I was out of Intensive care and moved to a normal ward and have been out for two days now. The only way I can compare this is having Datura/Deadly Nightshade and timing it by 100. I thank everyone at the Hospital, my family and some external force that is far beyond our comprehension.
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