Citation: A Survivor. "Cured My Mental Illnesses: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp43931)". Erowid.org. Sep 11, 2008. erowid.org/exp/43931
||(pill / tablet)
First let me tell you a little about myself. I am a 16 year old male. I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar, Depression, and Schizophrenia. I have been into two mental hospitals and been on many different medications to no avail. I have been suffering from severe depression since I was about 10. I have been doing drugs recreationally since December of 2003. The only drugs I have done are pot, pain killers (Morphine, Hydrocodone, and Oxycontin) Valium (perscribed), and MDMA.
I first bought MDMA from one of my cousins (we'll call him P) on Christmas Eve of 2004 at a family get together. My dad is pretty cool and accepts the fact that I do drugs, hooks me up with VERY expensive weed, let's me do drugs at his house, and does drugs with me. So when I told him that I bought 4 rolls and explained to him what E is he decided he wanted me to first try it with him. So one Monday in January my dad had the day off, so we got the daily tasks out of the way, buying a few things and getting a meal. Then we were all set to roll. There were 2 blue naked ladies and 2 grayish fish. So we each did half of a naked lady and sat around talking and watching Judge Judy. My dad got up a few times out of his chair and walked around rubbing his arms explaining to me how good he felt. It was a wonderful experience and I will probably remember it until the day I die. And since that day MDMA has been my drug of choice. I have only done MDMA 7 times. But the most recent roll, about a month ago, changed my life.
I was in a serious hole before that weekend. I had been going to therapy every week for months now and I was still taking the mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics to see no improvement at all, only to be sedated all the time. So that week I was done with it all, the shrinks the pills everything. I stopped taking my medication on that Monday and decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. That Friday I talked to my cousin P again and he said that he was going to get some rolls that night. So he came to pick my ex-girlfriend (C) (who is one of my best friends) and my other cousin (N) and myself up. We chilled at his house until the rolls got there. A group of teenagers, friends of my cousin P, came. The four of us went outside and we met the person that had the E. I bought 5 rolls, my cousin N bought 1 roll, and I gave C one of my rolls.
We were planning on going to a party out in a barn on the outside of the city. But P's parents came before we could hit the road. I guess my mother called my uncle (P's dad) and said not to let C, N, or myself go anywhere but his house. So P took off for about an hour as N, C, and I went to P's basement. It was 12:00 am and we decided to each take a roll. They were green with a guitar on them. About 30 minutes later we're all rolling our asses off. C decided to take off her shirt. We were all having a great time. Then someone had the idea that we would be more comfortable if we all went commando. It sounded like a good idea at the time so we did it.
Then at about 1:00 am my cousin P came back with a ton of his friends. You see C, N, and I are all poor compared to P. So all of his preppy ass friends were there and we felt VERY out of place. We were still have a great time though. P and his friends decided they wanted to camp outside in the backyard. So it was just the 3 of us again playing truth or dare, feeling each others arms, watching T.V., and have extremely deep conversations about life, religion, and personal secrets. By the time we knew it, it was about 6:00 am and we were just starting to come down. Mind you these were pretty potent rolls. We were stilling having deep conversations about if we could, how we would change the world. And we came to the conclusion that everyone in the would should experience MDMA at least one time before they can judge it.
11:00 am rolls around and were still awake and sober now, so P drops N off at his house and drops C and I off at my dad's house. I noticed something was VERY different about myself when I got home. I had a whole new outlook on life. I felt so refreshed, I didn't feel like life is such a terrible thing anymore. I felt better than I had in years. It showed me that life is worth living because there are good things out there. I'm not saying MDMA is the only thing good out there. I'm saying there is hope for the future, though before I rolled that weekend I thought life was meaningless and we're all going to die so might as well do it now, it doesn't have to stay like that. It gets better, we all have our ups and downs and sometimes the downs may seem more abundent than ups, but you just have to let it go and let yourself be happy.
Since I rolled that night it was a 180 degree turn around for me. I haven't been depressed at all, no mood swings, and no hallucinations. I feel like a whole new person. I told my shrink what happened and he's thrilled that I'm feeling better and said come back in about three weeks and if your still feeling good we'll start taking you off of the medication. I feel so great and I am so thankful that I was about to get out of the hole I was in. Because before that weekend I was ready to hang myself or run away. Now I look forward to the future and what lies ahead. Life isn't a blackhole anymore, I have goals and plans.
The only thing I will say is MDMA changed my life for the better. And I would like to thank MDMA for helping me find the answer inside myself, for without that experience I would probably be dead.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.