Citation: Riff. "I Never Existed, Yet I Had Always Been: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (10x extract) (exp43116)". Erowid.org. Sep 2, 2007. erowid.org/exp/43116
I had my first dance with the lady May 5, 2005, to level five and back in about twenty minutes. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. Everything I had ever been, achieved or known, ceased to exist as if it had never existed at all. I myself never existed at all yet I had always 'been'.
A buddy I work with and I were looking for some kind of high and I had read a little about salvia divinorum a few months ago but never got around to trying it. We soon found a local headshop that sells Purple Sticky Salvia extract and we hit the road on our quest for the buzz. An hour later we were in the shed in my backyard that has been converted into the 'smokeshed' complete with disco lights, surround sound, blacklights, and other various 'party enhancers'. I was eager to see what this stuff would do. My buddy took two decent sized hits and and I was to be his sitter since we had no idea what was to come from this.
He sat down in a chair and said he really didn't feel much at all so I finished the bowl. I took one good hit and held it deep for about twenty seconds, then started to exhale. Before the first puff of smoke left my mouth, the world started to 'change'. 3D became 2D like cardboard cutouts of reality all stacked in a row. I went to sit down in a chair and I must have fallen because the chair and I both went over backwards. My 'sitter' came to my rescue and tried to help me back into a safe position as I had fallen into a corner in my shed and there were a few dangerous objects there. I did not realize the nobility of his intentions and in fact, did not even realize he was there. I just felt the world falling from beneath me and I was fighting to regain my control. Salvia was in control and apparently does not like to be opposed.
My body felt cut in two along a vertical axis, kind of like when I float on my back in the water, only this was not water, it was indescribable. It felt as if the rear half of my whole body had merged with the rest of the world and as I stumbled to my feet it felt as if I had to carry the weight of the world with my on my back. My 'sitter' said I thrashed about for a few minutes and when he tried to help me up I had what he called 'metal retarded' strength. I was panicking and I remember thinking that I had ruined my whole life.
I was happy being a father of two with a lovely girlfriend and a steady job, but now it was as if I realized that all of those things were just a lie that I was allowed to believe because they never really existed. The closest analogy I have come up with is when Neo wakes up in 'The Matrix' and is told that his whole existence has been a lie. For a brief moment I believed I was actually a mental patient in some sanitarium somewhere suffering from delusions of an existence that never was. Everything had been in my imagination.
When I finally got to my feet I crashed hard against one of the walls and was able to see the door leading outside but it seemed to be reversed from what it had always been. My buddy was telling me it was okay and I need to calm down but I believed he was just reconstructing a familiar landscape for me so that he (salvia) could continue the lie. I believed it was he who put the door back together the wrong way in his rush to control me before I slipped from his grasp.
I made it outside and stumbled through my yard screaming at the top of my lungs, 'NO, NO, I AM A FATHER. I HAVE KIDS THIS CAN'T BE REAL!!! WHAT DID I DO, WHAT DID I DO?' The air was as thick as mud and everything in the world was connected by it. I wanted so badly to see my children, to talk to them, to touch them and know that they at least were real, but somehow I knew that I was not in a suitable shape for them to witness.
After a few minutes I started to see the 'real world' again and my buddy assured me (several times) that I was indeed a father of two and that it had just been the Salvia. The next 40 minutes or so were cool as I had a great marijuana like buzz. I was trying to put into words what I had seen that scared me so badly, but my sentences just wouldn't come together.
For the next two days I swore I would never do Salvia or even weed again. I was convinced that the stuff was evil and that it had opened the doors of hell and almost consumed me. A week has gone by now and I have had plenty of time to think about the factors that led to my bad experience, such as the disco light, it being my first hallucinogenic experience in twenty years, not respecting the drug enough, too eager to be stoned which is NOT the result I got from Salvia, falling over backwards was a nightmare.
I WILL dance with Lady again but next time I will let HER lead the dance and take me where she wants me to go. I tried to fight it too hard because it scared me. Salvia Divinorum is NOT a party drug. It is not a 'make me feel good' drug. It is a ticket to a new perception of what reality is and what the world is really made of, pure energy. I am eager to try again but with a more mature (BTW, I am 33) objective than just being stoned. I want to ask the Lady to take me back in time to see certain events unfold and I believe she will oblige me if I am respectful of her power.
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