Citation: NoOneSpecial. "The Demons: An Experience with Amphetamines (exp43044)". Erowid.org. Sep 7, 2008. erowid.org/exp/43044
I first tried the drug Adderall some time in the year 2000. A close friend of mine was [and still is] prescribed to it, and over time, I began to learn that a LOT of people around my age [16-20] are prescribed to it as well. I have also taken Ritalin and Dexedrine many times in place of Adderall, but I have predominately taken Adderall throughout my experience, so I will refer to it as that throughout the entire experience.
My circle of friends started using it before I did, some of them more than others; and they were usually snorting it. I chose not to, because I didn't feel the need or the want. Time passed, and without even realizing it, I fell down the rabbit hole as well. I didn't begin to realize the grip that it had on my until a few months ago - already about 3 years into my dependence. At first, probably in my 9th and 10th grade years, I just enjoyed swallowing the drug and snorting it on occasion, usually before school, so that I was able to concentrate for a test or something important. I was not addicted at this time, and some of my friends gave it up for a while, as did I. I was able to not take any Adderall and feel 100% okay with this. I probably played with it once a month, if not less.
I didn't realize how fast it was happening, and I can recall certain things, but most of it is a haze. What I do know, though, is that in 11th grade, I began using it more often - a bit too often. I was taking small amounts, approximately 10-20 mg's, about 3 times per week, and sometimes more on the weekends when I wanted to stay up and party. I think this is when I slowly began to grow addicted to the drug. I would want it every time I took a test in school, every time I needed to stay up to study, or every time I just simply wanted to speed. I would make an attempt to get it any way I could, but I was at least able to cope if I couldn't.
I was also experiencing mild depression at this point from other situations - and I gained a lot of weight from it. I was never fat in my entire life, but I just got a lot chubbier, and I realized that I didn't HAVE to be this way and that I would look and feel healthier if I lost this weight. I knew that Adderall would suppress my appetite, so I would try taking it for that purpose. I knew that I simply did not have as much access to it that I needed, since I only had about 2 different sources, both of which split everything up between my friends and I, so I wasn't getting much. I knew I needed to loose at least 20 pounds. I was at about 125, and my average weight is around 100lbs.
The summer after 11th grade was my summer of speed. Someone else that I knew was getting large prescriptions of it almost all of the time, and myself and one of my best friends used to go on these excursions a few times a week, but it was always so fun. I guess it was euphoric, in a way, but I never really felt real 'euphoria' from Adderall. I just experienced a sense of happiness and well-being, knowing that I was losing weight like crazy and that it was just fun to do our daily ritual.
Normally, where I live, Adderall [streetwise] costs $1.00 per 10 milligrams. But, since people were getting free prescriptions, they'd usually hook us up with a few extra if we bought in bulk. My friend and I would usually just get around $10 or $20 bucks together and get like 150 mg's for the $10, or about 250 mg's for the $20 and split it right down the middle. Then we would go to stores and buy stuff to keep us busy for hours when there was nothing more interesting to do. I enjoyed the quality time we got to spend together though - it was nice. I would normally take around 40 to 60 mg's per day, and try to make some of them last or keep them for emergency stash. Sometimes I'd take a day or two break in between though, so I didn't have to eat so many at one time. This lasted at least 3/4's of the summer.
I lost the weight! I weighed 95 pounds by the time school started back up again for 12th grade, and I thought it was great because I felt good about myself again, which relieved a lot of my depression as well. Problem was, I was now dependent on Adderall. One of my friends also came back to my school [she had to go to another school the year before] and she was an ex coke-user, but still a coke-lover, so I introduced her to Adderall, since it's SO much cheaper and it lasts longer. She was loving it.
So now I had a new Addy Buddy. We'd meet each other in the bathrooms every day at whatever time and swallow a pill and then maybe split one in half and snort it, depending on who had what. I liked to get the best of both worlds - snort 5 milligrams to kick it in quick, then I'd have the beneficial effects of it lasting all day since I swallowed some as well. We'd skip lunch and sit in the bathroom sometimes because we weren't hungry, or we'd just go to lunch and force food down our throats. We knew that we had to eat SOMETHING. I could always feel the emptiness in my stomach, and although I had no desire for food, I didn't want to look like a crack head, so I always ate just enough. I would also take breaks in between my binges and slow down the doses. I was usually taking about 25 mg's a day instead of 60 mg's like I did in the summer.
My main source stopped selling them as much though and eventually stopped entirely, so it was back to my friends, who I hated to ask because they wanted it for themselves, but I did anyway. I would feel desperate sometimes - and when I really wanted some Adderall I'd be crying and having a fit about it like a little baby. This went on for the rest of my senior year, but I began to realize I was no longer just 'addicted' - I was actually 'dependent.'
So here I am, graduated from high school a year later, and I'm in college. I enjoy it, but sometimes I am just desperate. I've calmed down a lot since high school though, but I still take Adderall. Not daily, and only in small doses, but it's always there, and it's a demon that I can't ward off. I can now go for a while without taking any, which is great, because then when I do take it, I only have to take a small amount. But when I don't have it, I feel restless and tired - like I can literally sleep all day. I get paranoid sometimes and think people are acting, feeling, or talking about me in a certain way - even though they aren't. I usually shake it off and realize it's just from taking Adderall though. I go on occasional binges and take it for a week straight, but eventually I just make myself lower the dose gradually so it's not so bad. The day after a binge like that, I feel very restless, almost like I'm going through physical and mental withdrawal (not sure if it's either one, or both). But after the initial day it starts to go away and I start to feel ok again.
I guess that if I really wanted to stop taking it, I probably could, but I'm not sure - because I might just be in denial. I don't really want to stop taking it completely though because it does have benefits when it comes to schoolwork and day's when you really just need that extra boost. I began trying out this new idea lately. When I feel like I need Addy's but I know that I really can't get any, or if I just need some energy but don't want to take Adderall, I'll drink a cappuccino with some espresso, and that usually keeps me up. At least I can say I am not as bad as half of my friends who take 90-120 mg's per day. I have never gotten that bad, which makes me confident. I'm not sure that I want to warn people with this story, or if I just need to get my problem off of my chest.
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