Citation: Hollow. "Honor Student Crashing Hard: An Experience with Amphetamines - Adderall (exp42522)". Erowid.org. Aug 23, 2007. erowid.org/exp/42522
I took Adderall the first time after having a long, soul-searching appointment with my psychiatrist, taking an ADHD test, and talking and talking about it with my parents and anyone else for many months. I'm a hyper-perfectionistic over-analytical student at a small elitist college, and Ive always had serious problems with focusing, procrastination, organization, and in general, getting my act together. To get to where I have, I've always felt like I've spent 5 times the amount of energy as everyone else, not for lack of talent but because of my weird way of getting from start to finish. Finding out I had ADHD was a big step, but I now ask myself where its gotten me. Adderall has unquestionably gotten me nowhere. If anything, its helped me hit my all-time rock bottom.
The first time, I took a 5mg pill, and it was instant empowerment. Then I got into a routine of taking 10 mg a few times a week for days when I had a lot of work. I reserved the 20 xl for days when I had major paper deadlines approaching. It worked like a miracle for a while, and I was in AWE, complete EXCTACY from not feeling any need at all to eat. Of course I dropped some pounds and felt like queen of the world. Well, of course, after a while 20mg no longer guaranteed any ability to focus. My mind would still jump around in a thousand directions like it always does, but it wouldn't help me focus on one thing! Then, recently, I decided to stop taking adderall, so I've been going as many days as I can without it.
The depression has been the worst I've ever experienced. I feel absolutely, utterly numb, like a completely empty shell. I have stopped taking care of myself. My self esteem has gone down the drain. I have no energy for self control, or anything at all. 24 hours a day my body is incessently craving sugar or caffeine. I've been going through all the motions, sitting at the library in front of the computer for hours, waiting for something to help me start doing work. But I havent been able to do anything! Its been a month since I've been able to really do any work at all. All I want to do is sleep, and I was never much for sleep. Now I sleep at the randomest times, at the drop of a dime. Its all I'm good for.
After not having taken any Adderall for a while, taking 20 mg yesterday was enough to get me through many hours of writing papers. But I didn't finish the papers, and today, not having taken any, and having hardly slept, I've eaten absolutely terribly, I've taken no care in my appeareance, I've felt like utter empty shit, and my papers are now late. This has been the cycle for a few months now. I now realize I have to throw out these pills and never go back. There's absolutely nothing good that can come of them. I'm convinced that there's really no 'proper' safe usage of adderall.
I don't know what to do about my withdrawal. I can't fail my classes! My parents are paying 40 grand a year for this education, and I care way too much about everything to fuck up. Fucking up is just not an option. And the saddest thing of all is that probably 40 percent of this school is on Adderall or snorting it or doing coke. Tomorrow I'm going to go talk to someone. I don't know what I'm going to do, really. All I know is, it is the scariest feeling in the world to feel like a completely empty shell. I feel like a corpse with zero energy or volition. This is not me.
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