Citation: Gnostikoi. "The Dangers of Chipping: An Experience with Heroin (exp41263)". Erowid.org. Jun 25, 2007. erowid.org/exp/41263
||(powder / crystals)
I had used heroin a few times before, and used other opiates like morphine and oxycodone more extensively, but my current spell of heroin use really started on New Years Eve. I injected heroin for the first time that night, and I loved it enough that it scared me. In fact, it scared me so much that I didn't use it again for about a month. It's hard to explain the way that heroin worms into the mind unless one has tried it; it's not that I thought about it constantly throughout that month, but it Was always in the back of my mind.
Finally I gave in - I went downtown and bought a few $20 bags. Then, a few days later, I did it again. And a few days later, again...you get the picture. In a frighteningly short amount of time I was using it 3-5 days out of the week. My friends were very concerned and eventually talked to me about it. I still didn't think I had a problem, but I was sensitive to my friends' concerns because I care about them, so I decided that I would not inject anymore and that I would only use on weekends.
That more or less brings me to the present. It's true that I no longer inject, and that I limit my use to Friday, Saturday, and occasionally Sunday; however, I typically smoke about 1-2 grams in that 2-3 day period - I've found a regular dealer, so I no longer have to risk buying on the street. I use heroin in a way that avoids physical addiction, but I can no longer deny that psychologically I'm hooked. My work week has become an endurance test; at the end of the day on Monday, I think 'I only have to make it through four more days and then I can get high again'.
On Tuesday, it's 'I only have to make it through three more days, and then...', and so forth. I've lost several of my closest friends over this and that's the worst part; these are people that I love with all my heart, and they won't return my calls anymore because I use heroin and, perhaps more importantly, because I refuse to hide it from them like many other users do. I've spent far too much money on heroin in the past month or so, money that should have gone to bills. I take very little pleasure from anything in life except heroin, these days.
I've introduced one of my roommates to heroin; I keep thinking I should feel guilty about that, but I don't. As he put it the day after trying it for the first time, 'Dude, heroin makes you want more heroin'. He now uses on a somewhat regular basis as well.
I should point out again that I'm not a stranger to opiates, and I've been through physical addiction (to morphine) before. Withdrawal is unpleasant, there's no denying that, but at least that I could deal with. Nothing has fixated me psychologically like heroin has, and even though I tell myself I can handle it, sometimes I'm not so sure. I know that I've gotten myself into a bad situation, but I can't imagine just quitting; it seems like the only thing that gets me through the week is knowing that I can get high when it's over.
The simple truth is that I don't want to quit, and I know enough about addiction to know that I'll never break it with that attitude. I guess I've found that heroin is sort of in a middle-ground; it's not the demon that our society makes it out to be, but it's far from harmless.
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