Citation: Camel Toe. "A Quick Two Weeks: An Experience with Diazepam (Valium) (exp40607)". Erowid.org. Aug 13, 2007. erowid.org/exp/40607
I started taking Valium when I was 17 as a recreational drug; I only used it occasionally and was hardly addicted. I had taken pills like vicodin and codeine and never had an addiction to any of them, but I liked them a lot. I never really had a steady connection with Valium until I went off to college the following year. I first bought 130 pills for about 50 cents a pill and decided to sell them make some money and use them casually.
I started out taking no more than 4 a day, really only using them when I smoked pot. But seeing as how I smoke everyday I started to get in a real habit of using them. After about only a week and a half I had only 50 pills left and had made my money back, so I decided to keep the rest of the pills for my personal use. I started taking more and more each day until I was at 12-18 a day, but I ran out fast. At this point I was hiding all of this from everyone around me, my friends, my girlfriend, my family and even my roommate were in the dark.
The day after I ran out of Valium I felt really depressed and alone, I felt like I was trapped in my own head and all I had was negativity to think about. It felt like I was coming down from mushrooms for the whole day. That night I didnít sleep, I hardly ate during the day because I felt like shit, at night I even found myself trying to tire myself out to fall asleep. After a day like this I realized that I shouldnít be taking so many Valium and I started to get really hard on myself about it, telling myself that I was done, that I was out of pills and that I would be better off without them. My band mates even wrote a song about how much I was gone from the group and about my Valium use, which I thought, wasnít really affecting anything or anyone.
So I had my mind set on no more. But, a business prospect arose and I took it, thinking I could handle selling Valium, but not taking it. I bought 300+ more pills for about the same price and figured I could make almost 400 dollars if I played my cards right. So I stashed the Valium away in my dorm, but that night as I lay in bed wide awake at 2 a.m. all I could think about was how easy and how good it would be, so finally I got up and crushed up 30mg and railed (snorted) it. When I woke up the next morning I told myself that I had a weak moment and that was over, but by 2 oíclock I was over at my friendís house making and deal and I had popped two more valium. After that I was right back into the normal cycle.
I had already told all my friends that I stopped so now I was keeping it real secret, this dragged me away from all of my friends and even smoking pot. I took about 15 a day, but it only lasted a couple of days, I came home one night after a good night of partying and crushed up 50 mg of valium, I only made it through about half of the lines when I passed out, probably more due to the alcohol and lack of sleep than the valium.
I woke up the next day and saw the powder and my rolled up dollar bill still sitting on my desk and I left. I walked out of my room and called my girlfriend. I told her about all the using I was doing and how shitty I felt everyday. She helped me realize the things that I knew in my own head and help me put it to action. She made me realize that this was all about me and me taking the first step. After a long talk I went to my room and pulled out all the Valium I had left and put it on my desk.
I stared at it for at least 20 minutes then finally got enough courage (after several times of walking back from bathroom) to flush them all. Iíll tell you one thing, that was the hardest damn thing Iíve ever had to do, but I felt a sense of pride in doing it. I didnít feel good about it by any means; in fact I didnít feel ďgoodĒ for days after I stopped using. I felt like I was trapped inside that small room in my head for a few days after that, I was depressed, I couldnít sleep, my body hurt, I couldnít concentrate, I got some terrible stomach cramps(both during and after use) and I was constantly on edge, but I took some comfort in the fact that maybe my actions were helping someone else not feel like me.
The only thing that I can say about this drug is that itís damn nasty when itís out of control. I watched my sister struggle with drug addictions for years and after I flushed all the Valiums I had I felt like I had finally done something good for her and for me. I felt proud that I might have in some small way helped someone else stay happy and addiction free. Donít get me wrong, Iím all for recreational drug use, but sometimes it can get out of control, and my only advice is be careful, cause this addiction crept up on me and I wound up using over 1400mg of valium in about two weeks.
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