Citation: Jack W. "Swimming in Insanity: An Experience with Diphenhydramine (exp40297)". Erowid.org. Jul 24, 2006. erowid.org/exp/40297
First comes the sinking feeling, subtle, it grows stronger, like my body is oozing into lead, dragging my heart down to the floor. It's a slow rhythmic movement down, like a nail banged ever deeper inward by the potent chemical hammer I've got swinging inside of me. John Henry is taking a chisel to my brain and he's not stopping till it's cracked. My mind is falling, a downward spiral into a cave, splashing into the water, bobbing around in the murky mist. Into the fog. Everything is different yet everything is the same. Looking around the room I can see all the furniture where it should be, just sitting there, everything is fine. But things are off, the borders move around, twisting between realities. A swarm of colored dots, like bats fill my vision before getting lost in the light of clarity shining down at me from the caves opening. I enjoy it now, I know it won't be long before I'm swept away, before I'm diving downward into the cold lonely depths of insanity.
The Diphenhydramine is hitting.
I counted the pills over and over at 10:00, deciding how much to do, anxiety ever growing. Finally I got the strength to down them, swallowing the handful with a strained gulp. No going back now.
It's been almost an hour. I'm feeling normal, I'm feeling fine. Then there is a large buzz building in the back of my brain, like a fever sneaking in on me. I'm turning into lead, I'm sinking. Boom, the fear hits. I hear a crack, my mind is in shock for a second, reeling a thousand miles per hour backwards. Iím back, fine again, but I know, itís starting.
Iíve dove straight into insanity, Iím in another reality know, slipping in between worlds. First sign is the change. I hear spare change falling down around me like rain. Going for a bit, then stopping. Every time this happens I get a little jolt of fear. Iím used to this though, the change comes raining down every time the dryl is involved. Iím enjoying this, purple blobs and dots dance on the walls. Bouts of double vision come and go. I keep hearing voices, I canít make out the words though, Iím still to rooted in the real, clarity will come though.
Soon Iíve passed this, Iím now deep within the sea of lunacy, my mind is spinning. Iím in my kitchen drinking some water, I got to get an ice tea from the kitchen, BAM, Iím in my room, no ice tea, I go downstairs, get the same ice tea, the can is closed, I look down again, itís open. Itís like Iím slipping in and out of time, the order is all wrong. The dementia is hitting now, Iím no longer feeling cold, I get flashes of heat, I feel sick dizzy. My mind is fried, one second Iím in my basement hearing change fall, next Iím talking to my 10th grade English teacher, weíre discussing my trip and what I can learn while out of my home world. I turn around, heís gone, I realize whatís going on, I realize the hallucination, or was it?
I hear the door bell at one point, I donít dare go down though, I eventually end up at the door, standing on the step waiting for 10 minutes, but then I realize they must have left 30 minutes ago, I wonder if I really heard my doorbell? I ring it to get the sound in my ears, was that me who rung it, am I going back through time, is the oder of my senses and memory all messed up?
Itís getting hotter and hotter. The world is turning into straight shapes, black and white, dark purple splotches over everything. Iím in a hot machine world, itís twisting around me, moving me from place to place, Iím growing sicker and sicker.
Iíve lost free will, Iím lead by fate, like a fly stuck in a spiders web Iím flung around my fates weavings. I move from place to place and back again, huge whole fill my memory at every turn. It must be around 2 or 3 now.
I decide I need to take a shower, I get in the hot water and zone out. I no longer feel so hot when I get out. Iím calm. I go to lie down in my room. Itís pitch black. Lightning sparks across my closed eyelids, a fierce internal storm and Iím stuck in the calm eye. I feel totally relaxed, my muscles loosen. Shapes dance across my mind back and forth. Iím disconnected from the world. Then I see it, Iíve seen it on Diphenhydramine before, the eye, the eye of insanity. A bright amorphous blob bobbing in my vision, bright reddish purple swirling around, and iris with a void in the center that draws me forward. Iím staring into the eyes of insanity, I realize this in the back of my mind, Iíve called it this before in writing and thus remember it as such, but only subconsciously in a vague sense. Iím in total trance.
Iím leaving the world. I can feel myself drifting downward, slowly spiraling back into myself, the eyes gaze and mine interlocked. This hallucination keeps for a long while as I feel myself falling further down. I can feel my pulse, feel every organ moving, I can hear every breath I have no control over. Then nothing, itís like a 3rd plateau DEX trip, Iím hypnotized, without sense, almost without ego. Then, unconsciousness.
I must have come back up from that place in my sleep. I awake deep in a chemical fog. I feel like shit, my mouth is a desert. My head pounds, my eyes sting. I get up and drink some water then back to sleep, this process is repeated many times. Finally I drag myself back up. Iíve returned to my world, to my origin. Things seem off though, they still do. Did I fuck up my brain on drugs or my brain fuck up my world on drugs? Have I twisted everything or has everything twisted to me. I canít tell. Iíve traveled outside and came back through into a haze.
I felt like shit for a day or so, all things came back to normal, except my mind. Its an interesting experience, diving into fates hands, giving up control and staring into lunacy for a while, letting myself out the door, when I come back everything is the same, but Iím not, I have the same views as before but also new ones I gained while lost. It wasnít introspective like the 3rd, more a loss of all grounding, which, having experienced it has let me think and believe in whole new ways.
A strange trip but one worth remembering
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