MDMA (ecstasy) & Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Doug. "Stream of consciousness: An Experience with MDMA (ecstasy) & Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp38693)". Erowid.org. Mar 10, 2010. erowid.org/exp/38693
So if you read this you will get the following out of it:
My preparations, my dosages over time, some mental experiences, and at the end, a stream of consciousness that I wrote while under the effects of the drugs which may shed some light into the mindset I was in. As a side note, this was the first time I have done mushrooms or mdma.
Living room is cleared of debris and the lights are off except for the lava lamp and the TV. On the TV is a visualizer and through the speakers of my stereo pumps the beautiful sounds of psytrance. At 5:30 pm I also swallowed 50mg of Coenzyme Q10 and a tab of 5htp so that I will not feel as crappy the next day.
I am prepared for the mental carnage that might ensue with the mushrooms. I reassure myself that I must remember at all times, no matter how scared I may get, or how crazy I believe I may be getting, that I will be perfectly fine the next day after the drugs have passed through me. And in the worst case scenario, since I am by myself, if I need a life-line there are two friends I can call to help me.
Also, I make sure that I will be drinking the proper amount of water while on mdma so that I do not dehydrate from too little or swell my brain by drinking too much. I slowly nursed a 20 oz bottle of water over the course of the night since I was not really active.
1 tab of white playboy mdma at 6:30 pm.
At +0:40 I blended 4 grams of dried P. Cubensis mushrooms into 16 ounces of orange juice and drank it.
At +5:00 another tab of white playboy mdma.
At +1:00 I am starting to feel a rush over my body and a daze in my mind. I am rubbing my feet together and my arms are rubbing over my body.
At +1:15 the acoustic ceiling is dancing with color and movement that seems independant of the colors emanated from my lava lamp and visualizer. I feel strong jaw clench and mentally flag that the next time I do mdma, I need to take something to alleviate it.
At +1:30? I feel really good all over my body. I can't stop smiling or gaping my mouth wide open.
The next couple hours are hard to track time, but ultimately I love the way my body feels over time.
I believe the X makes the shrooms much easier to deal with. A couple times I felt I was on the verge of some kind of mental loss. My mind quite often felt like a separate entity from my body. Sometimes I watched this body doing things but it wasn't me controlling it, so I just analyzed it like a 3rd party observer.
There were many visual distortions over time as well.
By +5:00 I felt pretty worn down and disappointed that I didn't feel like I used to. I took another tab of mdma. However it felt like it only achieved 5 to 10 % of the power that the initial tab had. All it did really was make me stay up later and give me a dull headache as the hours grew late.
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS (written while under the effects):
Ok, here is what came from my mind. I began writing at about +4:00:
Here I am. Glowing white paper. Time to see what I am made of. I can’t believe this… (slow methodical thinking) I bet this is going to be the weirdest stream of consciousness I have ever read because it is myself. I can’t believe I am pausing to correct typos and ponder spelling…. Who gives a shit, I am tripping and Xing. Ok.
Now that the introduction has been set. Part of the purpose of this is to write down things I want to remember while sober to see If I can remember it at all.
I KEEP LOSING FOCUS!!! I set some small plan of action of my mind like brush my teeth or go get the water in the kitchen… and holy shit, who knows what I was doing in between thought command and action fulfillment but I seemed (point in case, it just happened!!!) I wanted to keep my train of thought, and I know a serious lapse of time went by where my mind was racing with who knows what… and when I come back… this is pretty hard to explain now isn’t it.
Don’t know why I am typing but the first thing that comes to mind comes to print as well.
How long is this going to maintain my interest before I quit.
Ok, back to the things I want to remember.
Losing focus… check.
Serious thoughts about the meanings of my actions.
For example, when James says Steve was talking too much during his experience, I immediately nodded and went “really”, but mentally flagged that as how to act appropriately in that situation because it was a new situation for me and
Headphones on now… god damn this is much better, why wasn’t I wearing them to start with. It is much more boring without them on….
God this is soooo beautiful sounding. I wish there was a way for this artist to know how it makes my “soul” feel when I listen to its utter beauty.
It is now 10:44 pm, if I remember correctly I took the x tab at 6:30 and the 4 grams of dried P. cubensis at 7:12
I definitely don’t have that buzz from swallow plus 1 hour, but the trip component makes this very “interesting”
I feel I need to do the two separately next time to isolate these feelings and determine what drug makes me feel what… is that the scientist in me coming out?
I had a simple vision of my current life plan. Get fit, get big muscles, shake my ass on the dance floor. Is this what I have resulted to. What other purpose in life should I simultaneously or alternatively pursue instead. Starting a successful business. Making games. Finding a girl and living the cookie cutter life of a happy family.
Am I capable of that. I am quite certain that there is no continuity to this writing. Is that what I read online when people thought they were going insane?
I am really scared at times to interact in person or on the phone. I want to at times… but then freak out about the prospect.
I walked around my apartment complex and saw two of my neighbors. My primary focus at that point was to look normal and not stumble too much. I nodded my head and said a casual “hey” to each of the fat ladies I passed. They looked scared like they were ashamed of life. If they knew how scared I felt for the next 20 mins? I thought they knew what I was on, and would surely send the cops knocking to my door (I still have a lingering thought that this will happen but it fades as time continues) and find my remaining stash and it would be statute that my qty is intent to sell or something with serious jail time. *DELETED* then I realize I just visualized all of that… it was a memory? A thought, it was so real I was in it, I felt it, awareness was only in the background. This is where I go… and oddly familiar enough… I think I do the zone out thing when sober, but it seems different now because of the drugs.
God damn, I am still typing… aren’t I getting sick of this yet?
I guess it is something to do while this drug courses my veins, and I falsely assume that the majority of the drug effect is gone because I know this isn’t my normal self.
Although I have questioned quite repeatedly what is my normal self. I think about all kinds of isolated moments and their meaning. Is this ego loss as it is called? Or am I only on the verge.
I think I am going to make a rule that I can’t go back and read this until tomorrow. To create a proper line between mental states?
Is this boring or do I just have that restless bug in me compelling me to change my lighting/scenery/environment.
The thought of me with big muscles dancing seems pathetic somehow.
I made the realization about myself, that I talk about my lack of money and narcissistic qualities too much in front of my co-workers. I need to cool it, I wouldn’t want to hear that myself from a co-worker.
I need to explore my singleness.
I hate being lonely too… so that will be tough, but I need to learn to live without a crutch of a person. or maybe not, maybe that is reserved for a time in my life when I am old and withered, and nobody left is alive that I care for or that cares for me…. Then I can learn to be on my own and independent.
I like people.
This song is so beautiful
These glasses make it seem like I am trapped behind glass :)
Now I think I am just stretching for something to write.
I just felt my first gnawing ache of hunger… it is 11:02 I last ate at about noon.
Plus the sunflower seeds on the drive home.
This song is beautiful too, as so informed to me by Kaur. It was quite a true statement. Do moments of recalling Kaur like this mean that I am not over her? At most times I feel like I am, but then brief moments like this I kind of doubt that.
I don’t really feel like I have that filter that warps my actions to make me seem “normal” in proper social settings.
I am hesitant to write about jacking off. I am oscillating between being concerned about the appropriateness of what I write and just letting it out cuz who cares.
My penis felt extra good, but it was difficult to masturbate, even when I COULD keep focus to jack off, it just didn’t seem to have the trigger in it to go to that next level where orgasm could be achieved. However, I didn’t care because it felt so good play with it …. So goooooood :)
I am going to delete something for certain criminal sakes…. :(
Closing my eyes in the shower was amazing while washing my hair. Intense 3d visuals, but what was extra weird was that when I felt the spatial movement of my head and neck, my “imagery” as seen in my minds eye cuz my eyes were closed, seemed to be attached to some kind of level, i.e., it didn’t move the way it felt it should have because !!! Even though I looked any direction I saw the scene independently from that….. hope that made sense.
I made the realization that Janet is a loyalist like Summer…
Oh yeah, Summer is great and I love her. I am glad she is my sister and loves me. If I ever have any problems, I think I can trust her to help me sort them out.
I hope that people realize that my sometimes distancing or lack of communications does not mean that I don’t feel tremendously about them. I guess good friends are good friends and can last through lapses in communications and
Where did I just go again :)
Another grapevine of thought spirals dipped in a glass of subconscious
My arms are starting to feel jellyfish
Dammit that was jellyfish
Stupid auto correct fucker…
There that makes more sense hehe
Shit this is starting to get so long I am not going to want to read it anymore.
I have lived here a month now and have still not fully situated my shit. I am a slob… but I feel like I haven’t had much time.
Spending time with family, traveling, working, this is one of the only times I can remember that is truly free, but I am spending it in a drug induced stupor.
Ok, I think I might call Janet and talk… I feel the need to talk, and I trust her. Why? Is it cuz she is segregated from my everyday life?
Ok, I should stop
So I just called her and she was playing poker. Interesting… I think she couldn’t tell I was on drugs. I had to make a conscious effort to simulate the normal me. After I hung up I laughed out loud…. I couldn’t believe I just did that :)
I think I will go for another walk… oh yeah, last walk, instigated alarming amounts of paranoia… especially when I gained focus a few feet away from passing someone…. I was worried that I was staggering and my mouth was wide open in a drool like state and my stare was vacant… much like a crazy man.
Next day now, and I am sober. I am going to correct the typos and post this on the internet.
What a night
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