Citation: Suburban Junky. "Living for Ox: An Experience with Oxycodone (exp38638)". Erowid.org. Aug 8, 2007. erowid.org/exp/38638
Yep, it's another horror story report about the dangers of drug addiction. But just listen for a minute, about the curious kid turned dopefiend.
'Damn junkies, no willpower, I use drugs to expand my mind, or just to relax once in a while.' I once said. Probably multiple times while reading experience reports. Now I'm twenty and a burned out rehab junky with Hep C. No, I dont live under a bridge, yes I do take showers, yes I do have lovely trackmarks. 'I'd never use a needle' Me either... I thought.
So the report says 320 mg of Oxycontin (Oral and IV), that's 4 'eighties.' But that dose wasnt an experience it was a lifestyle. So let me briefly explain how I developed such a lifestyle. It does not happen over night, or over a month. It took a lot of work, and a lot of stress. I'd been an avid drug user, and partial abuser over the ages 14-18. For a long time I was able to stay grounded in my convictions and ethics about drugs and felt that hallucinogens made me understand much more about life and that pot was my daily meditation of sorts. Along came speed and cocaine and even a long binge of BZP. 'Speed makes me more productive: its justified.' Soon I became quite dependant on uppers and realized I needed to quit. I did quit, remarkably, but then I went back to my old lady, and my god, the opiate.
Opiates had always seemed to be the most pleasent of drugs to me. I'd take a few vicodin or a little syzurp and be at peace with myself and the world. I felt numb but euphoric, with no real crash like uppers, no mania like tripping, and no regrets or amnesia like alcohol and benzos.
So why didn't I get hooked earlier, what happened? A few simple factors: I had no constant, reliable connection until a couple years ago. I had also been progressively increasing my drug intake and drug lifestyle. And the need to fill the void I had developed from taking so many uppers, rolls, etc. and then quitting was growing. Also these conditions came around the time when I had lots of money and not much recreational activity. And so I met the first guy, he had mad pills. We became friends, he shot up, I snorted and munched them.
A few weeks go by and I'm having a splendid time eating pills before work and after work, sometimes at lunch, and gobbling up pills on the weekends. Here is the fuzzy part. I knew about opiate addiction and how it worked, but I was in denial about the amounts I was taking and not concerned with slowing down. Then I decided to take a break, ouch. The break hurt, for 3 days it hurt, so I said fuck it, I'm getting more.
This went on for a while, and then I finally did it, I tried the needle. He said it was so much better, and so much more EFFICIENT. God damn that first time was good. Ive never really stopped desiring that rush since then. Not to say that one injection and your hooked, I was already hooked, but this made it so much better.
The weeks turn to months, I lived for oxy, I woke up to oxy, I went to sleep to oxy, I writhed in pain for oxy. I spent thousands of dollars on the bitch, but I wasnt going to suffer the withdrawals, only she could make me happy, only she could put me at ease.
And just when I thought it couldnt get any worse, Mr. H came strolling through the kitchen one day while I was having party at my house. 'Hey man, your eyes are fuckin pinpoints, whatre you on?' 'Heroin, you want some?' 'Oh shit... yeah.' And thank God I had the tolerance I did because I purchased 3 potent balloons of tar. Snorted two bags, whoa, this shit is fabulous. And yes I much prefer good H to oxycontin. The third one was a big nugget of tar, I decide to improvise and cook it how I figured best. Which means the whole nug in about 30 units of water. (meaningless term unless youre a shooter I know) It resembled mud, but I managed to get the shit in the needle after some work. POKE, ASPIRATE, BURNING VEINS, ENDORPHIN EXPLOSION, BLISS, COLLAPSE. Thats the jist of it, but I lived.
Now I had acquired a good amount of serious opiate connections, and used them till my bank account went dry. I couldn't go for 6 hours without dope and not feel shitty. At about 36 hours I'd basically be incapacitated. Those withdrawals were the most intense pain I have ever felt. So what does a good drug addict do when he has no money left? First I pawned my own shit. Then some of my families, then steal from random places, and rip off whoever, whenever. When one lives for a needle, ethics are a joke. It happens quickly, you get comfortable with the needle, then you go down.
Eventually shit hit the fan for me, I'd caused enough suffering, I'd felt enough pain, I'd more or less wrecked my life for the time being: I then went to REHAB. My God, I thought, the inquisitive, adventurous kid, the drug sage with so much respect and knowledge for mind altering chemicals was finally consumed by that which he loved so dearly. But I do have experience now, an interesting story to tell, and a glimmer of hope for the addicts out there.
So did Rehab work? Not exactly. Abstinence wasn't acceptable after a while, I went back and danced with the devil again, and I got burned. (Mad corny I know) And maybe I'll never learn, but I have quit again for the time being. Drug addiction is a monster which no one should have to suffer. I'm not suggesting one avoid all drugs, but be aware of their POWER, and be cautious about how much you're using. We addicts are masters of denial.
Drug abuse is a temporary solution to a long-term, underlying problem. A solution that will consume you in time. Likewise, it wasnt the drugs that were the problem, it was a condition of myself I'm still fixing to this day. Does the craving ever go away? Yeah, sometimes, sort of, with enough sobriety. A word of advice: think you're getting addicted to something... Seek help. It gets much worse.
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