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Will the 'Real Me' Please Step Forward??
Methamphetamine, MDMA & Cocaine
by Narcissus
Citation:   Narcissus. "Will the 'Real Me' Please Step Forward??: An Experience with Methamphetamine, MDMA & Cocaine (exp38275)". Erowid.org. Aug 9, 2018. erowid.org/exp/38275

 
DOSE:
    Various

BODY WEIGHT: 115 lb


Substances: Methamphetamine, MDMA, Cocaine, et. al. (a.k.a. speed)

I’ll begin with a scintillating question (it’s rhetorical as this is all about me). The question is particularly directed toward individuals who feel like they may have an alter ego, a doppelganger, an “alternative me” who occasionally rears its [personal wacky description here] head. I’m not talking about legitimately psychotic people with multiple personality disorder.

Oh! The question! Of course… Does anyone –ahem- else, feel as though s/he uses substances not because s/he is addicted to the substance, but rather because s/he is addicted to the person who emerges from the self during the use of the substance? This might sound a little twisted, bent, skewed or just crazy. But seriously, I have experimented a lot. I am not a habitual user of one particular substance. However, that said, I like anything speedy (meth, coke, E) because during the high, a “me” emerges who doesn’t otherwise exist. It’s almost like a repressed personality. I don’t like all of the baggage that accompanies even very limited speed use (the loss of time, depression, unpredictable behavior, insomnia, etc. – you get the picture). In other words: I don’t use substances to “get high” or “party.” In fact, I almost always spend my time alone when I use substances. I like to indulge myself in my own thoughts and cognitive exploration.
I like to indulge myself in my own thoughts and cognitive exploration.


The only sad component of the cerebral journey is that I know, in my heart, brain and soul (if the latter exists apart from the other two) that when I’m not speeding, I am simply not interested in complex, dynamic thought. I’m too tired and lack motivation. In short, I ingest speed (in any form – I don’t care which) occasionally (8-15 times/year), just to maintain a relationship with and cognizance of – myself. Is that “OK” or is it sick? Beautiful or pathetic and sad? Mentally healthy or spiritually bankrupt? I don’t know. I only know I can’t stop. I depend on and personally require the time I derive from that mindset to (IRONICALLY!!) remain balanced.

Exp Year: 2004ExpID: 38275
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Aug 9, 2018Views: 775
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Methamphetamine (37), Various (136) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Alone (16)

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