Citation: Diphenhydramine. "Life Changing Event: An Experience with Diphenhydramine (Benadryl) & Alcohol (exp38071)". Erowid.org. Aug 26, 2007. erowid.org/exp/38071
This trip was the most insane, most real, most fucked up, and scariest experience I have definitely had in my life. Please bear with me for the long essay. I really think you will find this thrilling, a life changing event for me.
I am going to go into a little bit of my personal history. This is extremely personal and I have not told anybody except for one person about this in my entire life. I was molested when I was younger. After all of these years, I finally said it. Now, I was very young, but I do remember it very well. The entire situation was fucked up. Because this happened, I grew up a very different lifestyle that most other people.
The part that sucks about this story is that I did not know that this happened until about 9th grade. My parents did not tell me or mention anything about this to me, ever, to this day. I always had an idea that something bad did happen in my youth, but I could never really quite remember it.
One day, coming home from school, my dad and I were talking about some good times we had back in our old house. He started talking and rambled on quite some time. One of the things that he said really reminded me about everything that happened. He mentioned this time when a mentally challenged guy was arrested. Somehow he had just said it. He started to talk about the story and then paused in mid sentence. Suddenly he changed subjects and started to talk about something else. All I could do was think and figure out why he had just suddenly started talking about everything else. I then started feeling chills go down my back, I felt blood rush to my head and a dozen flash backs hit me real hard.
These flash backs were all from the time that I was molested. I remember many cops surrounding me, holding me, and asking me all sorts of questions as I watched this guy get arrested and put in the back of a police car. I was bombarded with so much I couldnít even handle it. In the car, driving with my dad, I could not say a word. I was stunned and shocked as I felt all of these fucked up emotions hitting my body.
It took me a lot to get over this. The next few months, I quite literally resorted to drugs to stop me from thinking about this terrible incident. It was really unbearable and was too much for me to handle. I contemplated suicide very often for the next year. I would take pills out of my parentís medicine cabinets and just take a variety of what I thought might make me feel better and forget about the shit I went through.
I visited the hospital a few times that year from passing out taking too many of these pills. I always told my parents that it was just an asthma attack or that I thought I broke a bone. I told the doctors what happened and asked if they wouldnít tell my parents. I knew that the doctor simply lied to my face because a week after, my parents hired me a psychologist. Just despite that, I completely ignored the psychologist in every meeting that I had with him. My relationship with my parents went to shit and I donít think I can ever respect them for doing what they did and not telling me what happened to me in my youth.
Eventually, I got over the suicide attempts and stopped seeing the psychologist. My drug abuse only grew larger. My parents had no idea what I was doing. Almost every single day, I would find a way to put some sort of drug in my body to feel good about my life. As time passed, I told myself that I would never bring this up again. Then, while working in a movie theatre in 11th grade, my 40 year old manager (female) started to stalk me.
This situation eventually got really bad. She sent me love letters weekly, tried touching me sexually, and she scheduled every shift I worked with her. I eventually took action, but things got worse. I was threatened in person and through letters. From her pressure, I was unsure what I wanted to do. Therefore, I backed off. My general manager kept on pressuring me, trying to get me to show him some hard evidence because he did not believe my accusations. He was being a real asshole and didnít want to deal with this sort of trouble. I had multiple emotional break downs. Thoughts and memories of this and my childhood raced through my memory every night. Taking all of this in was extremely tough. I did eventually tell this one girl that I really trusted about my entire past. One of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Now, here is what happened on my Diphen trip. A brief history, I am an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. I love experimenting with the unreal and will experiment with any drug pushing my body to the limits.
The previous weekend, I was drinking heavily with my dad, brother and my dadís friends. Sunday night when I got back on campus I did two full dex trips in one night. 1st: 13 Coriceden, 5 comtrax, a half bottle of delsyn, two shots of Nyquil, and 2 DayQuil. 2nd: I had ĺ bottles of Delsyn, 3 comptrax, and 2 Dayquil. I was fucked up and tripping hard, had a great time. The next night I researched Diphen. I took 600mg. I weigh 77kg. The trip was an ultra-realistic trip. My body weighed a lot, it was very difficult to speak and walk correctly.
A friend and I were in another friends dorm for about 30 minutes. I didnít think that I was tripping at all. All of the sudden, everyone except my other tripping buddy disappeared. It was insanely real, my friend just stared at me and said everyone left 15 minutes ago for a cigarette. All throughout the night I heard voices and had conversations with myself and with people that were not there. It was intense, lasted about 45 minutes. The next night I did the same thing, except with 700mg. I had already drank at least 5 beers.
I was doing just fine until I noticed everything was changing in my body. I sort of stood there for a second and remember someone asking me if I was alright. As soon as that display of concern registered in my head, my body weighed 1000 pounds. I could not move at all. My brain completely removed itself from my body and I fell to the ground. I was shaking and my eyes rolled to the back of my head.
I could here everyone talking still, I think. All I heard were random words like hospital, puke, die, fall, bad trip, and more words relating to concern. Each word that I heard felt like 100 people punching me in every part of my body at the exact same time. I was then lifted into the air and dragged to the toilet. I felt a finger go into my throat but my gag reflexes were shot. Eventually, it all stopped. I opened my eyes and was in my bed at my old neighborhood where I was molested. I remember looking into the mirror and being the height of a 10 year old. What seemed like months, I relived my entire experience explained above.
I kept jumping to different parts of my life not knowing what was real and what wasnít, even though everything looked so damn real. Every time I switched to a new location, I was waking up. I had no idea if I was tripping or not. I must have been in at least 10 to 15 places. The last one was in my old theatre that I worked at. My manager was there and started asking me questions about being molested. There were only two people that knew about this, and he was not one of them.
He continues to walk towards me, growing in size, while I was getting smaller. Every time I tried to say stop, my mouth would open and nothing would come out. I was extremely scared. He then started telling me to just admit it, to just say that I was molested. As his voice grew, others joined in, chanting, ďJust say it.Ē Louder and louder, I even tried to say it but I just couldnít. I was scared out of my mind.
All of the sudden, I broke out of this hole; I was in a comfortable place in the middle of nowhere. Grass was miles in every direction and I just said it, in front of everybody. I woke up in my bed again. Everything was real, but it wasnít. I felt like I jumped through multiple layers of reality. At this point, I actually remembered and figured out that I was tripping insanely. I started walking around trying to figure out ways to break out of it, to wake up. Every now and than, I would recognize something and my head would snap. I would wake up in my bed again.
I remember having discussions with all sorts of people, but I donít remember who was real and who was fake. I would hear voices all around me and there would be no one around. I walked around my dorm at 10pm smoking a cigarette in front of everybody. I had very crazy talks with one of my friends about evolution, religion, culture, and science. I had problems remembering names and would call people the completely wrong name and thinking that I was saying their name.
I remember finally breaking a reality and peeking into the real world at around 3pm. Then, I blacked out. I finally woke up in the morning, still skeptical whether or not this world was real. All today (day after) I have been getting constant flash backs which is helping me fill in the blanks to my story. I am skeptical to this moment right here typing this paper. I could really be in a dream right now, maybe Iím just dreaming that I look like this.
My friends were telling me all of the crazy shit that I did last night. I had conversations with myself and would answer back as two other different people. My tongue got really large and every time I started to talk, my teeth would just bite down on my tongue, painlessly. I have never tripped so hard in my entire life. This drug officially wins my #1 on craziest drug out there. More intense than acid, shrooms, dmt, dxm, ecstacy, ayahuasca, opiates, and any other one that Iíve tried before.
I am really sorry for the people I scared last night. Iím glad there were people to help me. If you are reading this and you know me. Please respect and donít mention the personal stuff that went on in my life with me or to anyone else. I need to get over it myself. If I need someone to talk to, Iíll come to you. You might notice me having a little trouble for a few days. This drug really kicked my ass. Itís the night after my insane trip and I am still getting flash backs, having trouble walking and my tongue fucking hurts.
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