Citation: Ace. "Zoomin to Paranoia: An Experience with Cocaine, Amphetamines (Adderall) & Dexmethylphenidate (Focalin) (exp36196)". Erowid.org. Nov 7, 2009. erowid.org/exp/36196
[Erowid Note: Adding the individual doses reported here gives a total dose of 4.5 grams of cocaine, however the author listed the total dose as 3 grams.]
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 6:00
| T+ 6:00
||Pharms - Dexmethylphenidate
||(ground / crushed)
I can proudly say that I am a recovering addict, and I am clean, I feel so much better now that I am not controlled by any substance.
I had been snorting coc religiously every day for about 6 months. I was doing at least a gram a day, sometimes as much as 6 or 7 grams, sometimes more. My tolerance was built up more than I could ever imagine. Every week, the amount I had to do, to feel ANY kind of reaction from the substance, increased tremendously, by the time this incident Iím about to explain happened, I wasnít feeling any effects at all from it and I was doing anywhere from half a gram to 2 grams at a time. I decided to experiment with a few different kinds of stimulants, just to see if ANYTHING out there could still 'speed me up,' or get me that high I had been chasing.
At about noon, I rolled outa bed, getting probably my average 3-5 hours of sleep, and of course started to cut out lines. My buddies were showing up at my place, like always, and being the generous person that I am, I started to dish out some to them too. One thing for sure about this stuff, once I start for the day, Iím hooked until I either run out, or until I am just so exhausted that I can't handle to do another line. So at about 12:30 in the afternoon, I started with one nice one, probably about .3 of a gram. I always take my lines in pairs. Split it in half and take one in each nostral. After that, about every half hour I'd do about .2 of a gram, until just around 6:00. With my tolerance being so high, I still was not feeling any effect from the coc except a little loss of appetite, irritability, and a little nervousness. I wasn't 'zoomin' like when I first started doing the drug.
A few of my buddies who were also into coc mentioned something about the prescription drug adderall, meant for kids with ADHD. They had some 30 mg xr's and said that it would speed me up. So about 6:30 after they went and got me one, I asked if any of them had anything else. One of them spoke up and said they had a prescription drug called focalin, I had never heard of this drug before, but it is also used for kids with ADHD. He had 5 mg pills of this focalin and he gave me 4. So I crush up the 4 focalin and I also opened the capsule on the Adderall and started to try to crush that up too.
Adderall is made with a special 'bead' technology, the capsule is filled with a bunch of little tiny beads or balls. My buddy told me to just pour the beads on my tongue and take it that way, but I decided to try to crush it up and snort it...yea, the beads are really hard to crush, they're not meant for it...obviously...but I snorted it anyways beads and all. There was no burning sensation, It actually had an orange-like taste to it when it rushed to the back of my throat. I then proceeded to snort the 4 focalin directly after the adderall. It was about 7 pm now and I was starting to feel a little different. We went to my friends apartment to do a little partying, and there I started to crave coc so bad, but every time I went into a room to do some, I felt so paranoid of someone watching me through a camera, window, anything, that I couldnít bring myself to even take it out of my pocket.
I sat with everyone while they were drinking and couldnít think about anything else except that I wanted to do another line, but I felt like everyone around me was sad, and I got the vibe that everyone knew something that I didnít. Like they were all out to get me, or they knew someone was about to come busting through the door to bust me, but they were like sworn in that they couldnít help me. I started asking everyone if they were okay, and if something was wrong, and of course they said everything was cool. Then I started to be more forward about it, raising my voice, and telling them to fill me in on what is going on, because something seemed so wrong, and they kept telling me that I was wiggin out over nothing. I was positive that they were all together in trying to bust me.
This kind of behavior lasted all up until my friends were leaving, around 1 am or so, and I refused to leave with them. My friend, who is the owner of the residence, said I could stay the night there if I felt safer, so I let everyone else leave. I constantly called my friends phones, asking them what was wrong, and begging them to just tell me the truth about what was about to happen to me. I started to freak out and think that they were all still up to something that I didnít know about. Getting more paranoid by the second, I asked my friend to drive me back to my place.
He agreed and took me back to my place, when we arrived I wouldnít get out of the car, I started to hear sirens and see red and blue flashes, like police lights, he got out of the car and walked me all the way to my door. I live in a residence hall at a college campus so he could just take me to the main entrance. I went in and got in my room at about 3 am where my roommate was asleep. I locked the door, and woke my room mate up, I started to ask him why he turned me in, and why he called the cops on me, and he was just wondering what the heck I was talking about. I started dismantling the whole room, taking down my pictures, my books, unscrewing the smoke detector from the ceiling cause I swore it wasnít there when we left, and I thought someone bugged the room, or put up some cameras.
My roommate was getting furious, he was so mad that I was still awake, and was getting scared cause I was freaking out so bad, accusing him of being a part of 'them' the ones trying to catch me. At about 4 am I realized I still had a little over 2 grams left, and I was so scared that someone was going to catch me with it, that I just broke it all out and did it in one line, well 2 actually cause I always take one up each nostral. After that I started feeling even more paranoid, and getting symptoms similar to that of a person with schizophrenia. I ran out of the room and ran out of my residence hall, as soon as I got outside I immediately saw sirens, I could hear cars, and police, and sirens, and their loud speakers yelling for me to stop running, I ran for about an hour, full speed, never once getting tired, or even winded. Everywhere I turned there was sirens and cop cars slowing down and turning around to come after me. I ran all over campus, scared for my life. My room mate called me a few times, telling me to come back, but I just KNEW that they would get me as soon as I came back.
Around 5:30 am, totally emotionally and mentally drained & exhausted, I walked out in the middle of the main street and stood with my arms up. I was so tired of being so scared and I figured they would catch me sooner or later. But to my surprise, the cop cars stopped making noises, I even walked up to a car that I thought was one of the police cars, and there was nobody in it. I started walking back to my dorm, talking out loud to them 'come on just go ahead and take me, Iím not scared' shouting it across the road. I got back inside my room a little after 6 am and my room mate just kept telling me to get sleep, so I then thought that they were still out to get me, but they were going to wait till I wasnít all messed up on coc, adderall, and, focalin. So I layed down, sweating so hard from all the running previously done just minutes before I got back to the room. I wouldnít dare take my eyes off of my room mate or the door handle, and I was keeping a close watch on the window, listening for any movement or noise. I decided to go take a shower cause I thought it would help calm me down.
While I was in the shower, I saw the blue and red lights reflecting off the water on the ground and I heard people come into the shower room, I heard a man talking on a mega-phone and saying for me to come out with my towel on and my hands up, I wouldnít come out, after about 30 minutes in the shower I finally shut off the water and started to dry off and give myself up to the authorities, but when I got out, nobody was there. I went back to the room and just sat in front of the door with it locked, still scared for my life. At about 8 am my roommate was still asleep and I was still suspicious of everyone.
I went out into the hallway, where another student asked me what my name was because he lived down the hall and we had talked before, but he had just forgot what my name was, and I wouldnít tell him, I eventually told him a different name, because I thought he was trying to get me to say who I was so that the cops would then know for sure they had the right guy. My paranoia lasted all day, I didnít have any coc left because I did it all, and I licked any extra powder off the baggies, desk, anything that I saw it on, I cut up my straw that I used to snort it with, and I flushed all the trash down the toilet, and I was still scared to death. People were asking me what heppened last night, why everything was off of my walls, and why I had broken random things in my room, like my overhead light, my speakers, and of course the smoke detector. The real reason was because I thought I saw red flashing lights in them and I thought it was a camera inside recording everything. But I just kinda ignored it and went on, I told everyone I felt fine and that the night before was just because I was stressed out, but inside, I was more scared than ever. I didnít stop being suspicious of everyone until a good day and a half after the incident. It was terrible, I donít know if it was because of an overdose of coc, or because I mixed two other stimulants with it, but all I knew for sure is that it messed my brain up and I was imagining crazy things.
I would never even wish that feeling upon my worst enemies, although I donít recall myself having any true enemies. I just hope that I didnít already mess my brain up too much already. Ever since I quit, I havenít had any crazy withdrawal side effects or any more panic. The first week I slept about 15 hours a day and was tired no matter how much rest I recieved. I ate more food that I had ever eaten when I was awake and I gained about 15 pounds. I actually look normal again and my cheeks donít sink in my face and I donít look deprived of nutrition, now that Iím clean, everything, except a little emotional damage, is back to normal.
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