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God It Sucks to Be God
Syrian Rue & Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by Netrunner
Citation:   Netrunner. "God It Sucks to Be God: An Experience with Syrian Rue & Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp34864)". Erowid.org. Aug 26, 2005. erowid.org/exp/34864

 
DOSE:
2.0 g oral Syrian Rue (extract)
  2.5 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (dried)

BODY WEIGHT: 115 lb


It's been a couple months since I could even really think back on this experience enough to write about it. But I owe myself and others a taste of the extremely unexpectedly intense experience I had with Syrian Rue and Psilocybin Mushrooms.

I've had a small bag of Rue I obtained from a friend for a while, but hadn't really thought to do much with it until I have a fresh crop of cubensis begging to be tried, and I decided to experiment 'a little'. I coffee-grindered 2 g of Syrian Rue seeds and boiled them in dilute lemon juice for half an hour or more, filter, reboiled in a fresh juice, added the the two fractions, boiled them down to a couple of swallows of very very bright yellow liquid. I prepared myself mentally, then quickly chugged. It was surprisingly sour at first from the lemon juice then the slightly vomity papaya-like aftertaste settled in, and I quickly quaffed some juice to distract myself. Blech, but manageable.

Then I weighed out 2.5 g dried cubensis, to which I made a nice Tension Tamer tea with, my favorite way to consume mushrooms. After steeping and cooling for 45 mins or so, I slowly drank this while feeling the stoned feeling of the harmala buzz gradually coming on.

Whoa. What proceded was the longest, most intense mushroom trip of my life, easily comparable to a very strong Pharmahuasca (harmala + 5-MeO-DMT) death-trip I'd had years earlier (see report).

I remember I was listening to the Flaming Lips 5.1 version of the Yoshimi Versus the Pink Robots for the first time, perhaps a mistake because of its long tracks of weirdness. I was alone, lying on my comfy futon in the middle of the room. I literally melted into nothingness until I was absolutely convinced I was dying, no, I was already dead. Having painfully fought dying in previous trips, I got over this pretty quickly, but it wasn't any less pleasant.

At this point, I had serious delusions of being God, but a sick and twisted God, who was utterly bored with eternity, time, and his universe, and that all of this complexity around us, everything, was just a way for him (me) to try and forget about it all and distract himself. Now I am not a religious person by any means, but God I was, the creator of all of this. Time started playing like a tape in my mind, from the Big Bang to the present moment. I could freeze frame any moment of my life, roll back, pause, reexamine any moment. Memory recall was ASTOUNDING. I was remembering things I didn't know were still in there. I could recall any and every moment in my life it seemed. I remembered a conversation earlier that day with a person sitting by a window as the sun was setting. Except this time in reexperiencing the conversation, I was transfixed by the view outside the window, which I had hardly noticed at the time. The detail of the memory was extreme. I noticed people outside, the trees, the clouds, everything EXQUISITELY. I experimented with this game for quite a few other memories, backwards and forwards, but things were getting increasingly unpleasant and dark.

As I played through the reel of time my life as God constituted, I became increasingly convinced that none of this world was real, it was all conjured up in my mind, again, just to distract myself from the insanity of eternity and omnipotence. Once again, I (God) had failed myself in managing to create a world which could distract me indefinitely. The entire history of the world pointed towards this conspiracy, this cover-up, very Matrix-like in ideas, actually, although I hated the movies. I could see into the future just as well as the past, and I witnessed the horrible hysteria, panic, and destruction of the world as it all crumbled apart into infinite complexity. Complexity, new species, other individuals, culture, technology, science, etheogens--these were all created by me simply as a means of duping myself that I was not alone, a cheap fractal fractionation of what basically boiled down to just me. I cannot express how clear and true this all seemed to me; in fact, even dwelling on the memories makes me feel uncomfortable as I am not yet unconvinced of the unreality of this apparent delusion.

Another trick that was playing in my mind was that this was not the only universe I had created. This was a number so close to infinity as to boggle the mind with the implications of eternity, and every possible outcome that could come from every possible decision from every possible human or creature had already been tested and tried by me. Eternity is a long time, I discovered. Not simply one Big Bang, but an infinity. I played through all the situations of my life, all the turning points, and realized that I had played through them many many times before as God, and they all led to the same outcome: extreme disillusion at the discovery of my self-deception. In the end, I could not escape myself.

At this point, realizing I was on a powerful drug, I tried to disconnect myself from my thought processes and just float and endure. This was extremely difficult in practice, my thought kepts returning to history and how the world would eventually discover the truth, again Matrix or Douglas Adams style, that all pointed to me and my feeble attempts to forget I existed. The problem was that sooner or later, all the complexity introduced to prevent myself from becoming bored eventualy led to the creation (in my own mental image, naturally) of beings (humans) which were capable of the inescapable self-realization, self-reflection, and self-discovery of the Truth--that in the end, there was only One--me. I had already tried numerous times to slow the process down, slower, slower, slower. A slower expanding universe, slowly evolving creatures, increasing complexity, but in the end, my own creations (humans) managed to outsmart everything using science, technology, entheogens, etc., and homogenize experience and complexity until they finally discovered in the end that they were simply all schizophrenic aspects of same old me. It always ended the same. In the end I was outsmarted, outwitted, I had run out of new things to try, utterly bored with creating yet another universe, but even more disgusted with facing the singular aloneness of being just me--God.

In summary, I felt I went a bit too far with this trip, discovering the ultimate reality of reality. I not only discovered the old man orchestrating everything behind the curtain, I discovered he was ME. What a disappointment that turned out to be. After an infinity of creating universes, I had become, dare I say it, BORING. All I wanted was to rest, but I soon discovered that sleep didn't exist as a means of escape for God, God cannot rest from himself. There is no escape, sleep was invented to try and briefly escape from the harsh reality of it all, but in the end, even dreams betrayed me.

Now, physically, I was feeling more and more uncomfortable, as I melted into the bed. Something was wrong but I couldn't figure out what it was. Oh, I have to urinate extremly urgently, that's the problem. But I was in no shape to get off the futon and make the journey. I became convinced it didn't really matter in the end, this was all illusion anyway. Many times, I felt as if I had wet myself, warmth spreading up and down my leg, but when I looked and felt, there was nothing and I no longer had to urinate. This happened many many times. Until finally, I realized I really had wet myself. This was towards the end of the trip. Criminy, I have never in my life ever wet myself in bed as far back as I can remember, and in this case, that was far.

Anyhow, I slowly, gradually returned back into my body and this world, which suddenly seemed very suspicious, transparent, and shallow to me. This paranoia has not entirely left me. Thank God for friends, even if they are just aspects of me. I have not been able to experience subsequent trips in the same way since I discovered the 'Truth'. And I still don't know what to make of it all, except that I couldn't recommend Rue and Shrooms to anyone, unless they really want to unpleasantly unravel.

'Side effects' of this trip, btw, included extremely intense open-eyed visuals, which went almost unnoticed compared to the mental aspects of this trip. Closed eye-visuals were downright completely rendered 3-D aspects just as real as open-eyed reality. This was beyond holography, this was the essence of sight itself, without the use of my eyes.

Play nice, kids. Be careful. Take your time in discovering Truth, as God, I really am bored with recreating all of this for the umpteenth time.

Exp Year: 2004ExpID: 34864
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Aug 26, 2005Views: 10,647
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Syrian Rue (45), Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Alone (16), Mystical Experiences (9)

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