Citation: bengt. "Bringing Myself Back: An Experience with MDMA (exp34803)". Erowid.org. Jul 1, 2004. erowid.org/exp/34803
||(pill / tablet)
It's been a little more than a year since I first tried ecstasy. My first experience was sub-par compared to expectations and other people's reports. Even so, I realized that it had potential, and that after the experience I was left with a gigantic lifestyle change that pretty much stayed with me until I let it go.
In the past few months, I have been an absolute mess on so many different levels. I started to completely alienate myself from everyone... not physically but emotionally. I severed all 'ties' and personal philosophies of/with 'God'. I was basically taking on a severely nihilistic attitude. I was becoming something I never wanted to be, and I felt like I knew this but either didn't care or couldn't change it even if I wanted to. Looking back, I think I was just losing sight of what's really important in my life.
I had been sitting on a 'blue monkey' pill that I had bought for a techno festival but never ended up taking. After weeks of feeling down, and conveniently my parents going on vacation for a week, I decided I would take it then. A friend of mine begged me to split it with him, so I gave him half... I didn't really mind, because I wasn't looking to recreationally 'roll'... just to try to feel better and re-evaluate my current situations.
About a half hour later I began to feel the first empathetic response to the drug. I got a phone call from my mother and realized how much she means in my life. I also drove around with a friend of mine and was very emotionally open to him. We then went to a party and I spent the night talking to people and occasionally having a few drinks. Although the party was full of trippy things like strobe lights and whatnot, I felt most comfortable sitting outside talking one-on-one to friends. This dose would be perfect for any therapeutic situation or anyone wanting to get closer to a loved one... it was like getting the mental effects but not much physically (a nice warm fuzzy feeling though). For the most part the night was pretty dull, nothing monumental happened and the drug eventually wore off. I ended up getting home around 6am, put on some Boards of Canada (the happiest chilled-out techno ever), and enjoyed the warm feeling in every inch of my body and the slight enhancement of mental imagery.
As happened a year ago, I woke up... not myself. Myself being the 'me' I had been for the past few months. A year ago I had been leading an unhealthy physical life in terms of eating and a lot less exercise, but it changed starting the moment I woke up. This time I had been living an unhealthy mental/emotional life, and again I am out of the basically selfish hole I dug myself. I even had dreams last night that emcompassed so many different things going on in my life, and showed me the brutal truth of what I was doing to myself. I realized I had to change. I'm not saying I'm cured, I just now see how detrimental to my well-being I had been acting... and what I need to do to turn it around.
The thing I've always said about ecstasy was that the effects were never something I couldn't reach on my own. Like I always had it in me, the pill just proved it. Well, the same goes for the after-effects. I realize that its up to me to change, no amount of people or pills will do it for me. As for a hangover? If you call a hangover waking up feeling better than you've ever felt in longer than you can rembember. I've taken a vow to take ecstasy again... but only when I truly feel I need it. I recommend everybody at least try MDMA once... it will show you doors you never knew existed, but leaves it up to you to open them.
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