Citation: George Smith. "On Balance, Well Worth It: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp33626)". Erowid.org. Nov 9, 2007. erowid.org/exp/33626
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It was summer, there was no work to do, I was bored. So, apparently, were my sister and some of her friends, as they decided to do pills. This was not the first time for 2 of those 3, but was for me. It took some courage to swallow the first half, but swallow it I did. I noticed no foul taste, possibly because I had been warned of such, and thus used water. Wow, I thought. I could die.
Well, half an hour or so later, nothing had happened to me. It was at this point we collectively decided to watch a film. As an important note, this entire experience took place in our parents' house; at this time, they were away. It was okay. My sister and one of her friends (all female) were alternatively dancing to music and hugging each other, as information received suggested would happen, but me and the friend who had not yet taken pills remained unaffected. At about an hour after I had taken the first half, I took a second, then resumed watching the film. About, I think, 10 minutes after that, something strange happened.
Now, I've only taken small amounts of cannabis and (larger amounts of) alcohol, so I'm hardly an experienced mindbendee; thus, it could be quite difficult to explain the precise experience. Anyhow, what seemed to happen was, my hand felt really, *really* light. I waved it around in front of me and, while there was no trail or noticeable visual effect, it *felt* truly incredible. As a test, I banged my head against the wall. I can't remember whether I didn't feel pain, or whether I did not interpret the pain as negative, but at any rate, it was similar to that experienced under the influence of alcohol. Well, that did it for me. I was, I realized, with the same awe I felt upon noticing my drunkeness the first time, Xstatic.
Suffice to say, there was no thought of hugging or talking shit to the people in the room with me. I instantly ran out, noting with joy the speed and ease with which I traversed the house. Thereafter, I did what I hilariously thought of (at the time) as breakdancing, then got up, ran some more, and did push-up after push-up until my arms collapsed under the strain; no pain attended this collapse. Then, I remembered my sister and her friends, and rushed back to them.
I can easily describe the underlying feeling of MDMA (I strongly suspect that is indeed what was in the pills); it is the feeling of winning something that matters to you, yet without the guilt and 'dirty' pleasure that comes with knowing someone else lost to grant you this win. I can also remember the feeling of lightness that made moving so enjoyable, and can best describe it as lightness. But the empathy? That one's hard. I've heard it described as a feeling of a mystical connection to all of humanity; it wasn't that, I felt that it was totally natural that all humanity was precious, but that seemed not mystical. rather, self-evident to anyone with a shred of common sense. Nor was it accurate to say I felt a deep love of those around me. No, possibly it could best be rendered as a kind of camaraderie, an unspoken bond. I did indeed, at this point, speak some shit to them.
Here, we decided to watch Pulp Fiction. Strange choice, maybe, but we enjoyed it. I occasionally made trips to run around a bit, or drank from a bottle of water. The closest the others came to my obsession with movement was the odd bit of dancing. It was all fine and one of the best nights in my recent life. It had just got to my favourite part in the film (suffice it to say, it involves a moderate amount of violence), when it hit me.
It was like someone was draining my emotions from me. Moments before, I had been ecstatic as the samurai sword sliced on-screen, but now I felt empty. I mumbled something about not feeling too good, then went to watch TV. I felt a sudden feeling of depression, worse than I have ever felt before, or since. I didn't feel suicidal; rather, that I could decay on the spot and not care. This lasted several minutes. I suspect what caused it was coming down off the first half. Thank goodness I had taken the second half, for that kicked in and brought me back to a feeling resembling what I had felt before. However, the feeling this time was different. I had little desire to move, although it still seemed easier than normal. Rather, I had a great desire to talk to my sister and her friends, about all manner of strange and mundane subjects. Then, I did indeed feel exceptionally friendly with them, but nothing more.
Eventually, about 5 hours after I had done the first half, the feeling wore off, and I decided to go to bed. There, my spine felt odd. This I mentioned to my sister as she and her friends bade me goodnight, but she dismissed it, and other symptoms I was feeling, containing elements from all MDMA horror stories, as paranoia, as indeed it seemed to be. Eventually, I got to sleep, with no teeth gnashing. The morning after, I just wanted to do mundane things, to feel normal again. But I shall never forget that night.
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