Citation: Just Some Dumb Kid. "Who the Hell Am I?: An Experience with LSD & Cocaine (exp33540)". Erowid.org. Mar 1, 2007. erowid.org/exp/33540
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 0:30
||(blotter / tab)
Well, I'm not going to bother anybody with the details regarding how it began. Quite simply, it began as any ordinary evening would have. A close friend telephoned me at the 10 hour, and said that a party was going to take place. Being the charismatic 19 year old I was, I happily jumped on my bike, and began the 4 mile trek that would lead me to the party. I had never been a particularly popular student, and rumor had it there would be several of the cool group at the party. This filled me with much joy, as I had hung out with the chill crowd during class and on campus, but had never attended a party in their presence. Had I known the strange thing that would befall me that night, I'm not sure if I would have ever embarked in the first place.
When we arrived at the party, there was a kid (who appeared to live there) who was handing out cups at the front door. I happily paid the chap five dollars, and was on my way to infiltrate the party. There was a disco ball, music playing, and just about everything else you could ask for at a run of the mill rave party. However, as I sipped on my keg-cup, I noticed that a small portion of the crowd was retreating to a more intimate setting. Being the curious child I was, I decided to follow them.
As I proceeded up a long staircase and came to the attic, I noticed that all the kids up there were busying themselves with some marijuana and cocaine around a large round table. Not wanting the marijuana to affect my partying (I had previous experiences where I ended up so stoned I couldn't socialize) I decided it best to simply do a line of quality cocaine and save myself the 'stoney-ness'. I did one initial line, and then another when the fellow providing permitted me. Having never done cocaine before, I was overcome with a strange and unique sobriety. What followed this sobriety was a very pleasant buzzing euphoria, that seemingly eminated from my heart. I was pleased by this, and ended up jabbering incessently to my newfound friends for a good twenty minutes.
As a bit of time passed, my friends grew restless, as one of them casually said to the others 'You wanna trip...?' They responded by nodding in unison, and the goods were distributed. It seemed that they were taking tabs of LSD, according to the kid sitting nearest me. He assured me that it would teach me of things about my soul that I had previously never known. To me, spiritual enlightenment was something very appealing, as many viewed me as a loser of sorts. Taking this little tab was my chance to show the club kids that I was cool, and that I could hang.
I know I sound like a fucking loser when I talk about the stereotypical 'cool' kids. However, you have all been in my position at one point or another. We've all been to highschool, and we know how conformity brings satisfaction. It's not fun being an outsider, and at this point in time, I thought that taking this 'acid' or whatever the hell it was, would make me whole, or show me what I was missing out of my misguided youth.
The acid tasted like a piece of tagboard paper, and I was getting anxious to swallow the damned thing about 2 minutes into the experience. As I waited patiently, my new friend (the distributor of the acid) announced that 2 of our lost friends were not going to make an appearance that night, as they had not found a sober driver to the party. With glee, he asked if anybody in our group wanted at 2 free tabs of the blotter shit. I found myself raising my hand, as I felt that 2 hits would certainly be better than one. And they were free! Why the hell not???
After taking both tabs, I walked to the keg to grab another beer, and make conversation with whoever was around. As I walked out to the deck to have a cigarette (25 minutes after ingesting) I noticed that the flower patterns on the kitchen curtains seemed to be pulsing and breathing with the beat of the music. I was initially entertained by this sudden change, and staired for a bit before I walked out onto the deck.
As I was smoking my cigarette, a girl walked up to me and began to converse with me. I initially thought that she might have been taken by my physical appearance, but then she began a story about how she forgot her cigarettes in her friend's vehicle, and the desperate conclusion of how she was out, and needed more to feed her addiction. What the hell is going on? I asked myself. It was almost as though this girl had taken 25 minutes to explain her situation to me, and I already knew exactly where she was going with it, and had a cigarette in my hand. Why did she have to waste 20 minutes of my time to ask me for a silly cigarette? Why the hell was I paying so much attention this thought?
Damn man. I think I had started tripping at that point. I lost track of time for a second, and then came back as I handed random girl a cigarette. I walked inside to get my bearings, and was greeted by strange, morphing figures. I had a good memory of the furniture arrangement in the house, and the living room I saw did not resemble the one I had left. The couch seemed to be pulsating blisfully in response to the couple that was laying on it and the grandfather clock was chiming the 3 hour, as if signalling us that it was time to leave, and I was too fucked up to drive.
At this point, I walked to the bathroom, and began to splash cold water on my face, as it was the only thing I could think of at that point to make things better. However, as I continously splashed water on my face, I knew that it would do no good. The cocaine was wearing off, and I realized the fact that I had most likely taken something that would not wear off for a long time. I began to panick, and wondered what would happen to me. After several minutes of sweating and panicking, I convinced myself that I would simply have to ride it out, and walked out to the living room and sat myself on the couch.
As I sat on the couch, fucked up shit began to happen. The visuals were completely uncontrollabe at this point, and shifting my eyes did no good. Colors were so brilliant that they seemed to be humming to each other. This sounds fucked up but I swear to god, the couch was singing a duet with my friend's easy chair, in an accompanyment to the cd player. This strange humming noise was always in the back of mind. As I tried to comprehend this, a good female friend of mine sat down next to me. She was one of the kids who was with us when we took the acid.
I was so relieved when she sat down next to me. Finally, someone who understands the state of mind I am in. As I began to convey this to her, I only hoped she would understand. The words that came out of my mouth were not the ones I had imagined. An unintelligable mish-mash of sounds was all I heard, as auditory hallucinations took over. The trip was only beginning. I had taken the shit only 2 hours before. When I realized I could not communicate, I freaked out. The auditory hallucinations were becoming so extreme that I could not even communicate what I thought or felt. At this point, the girl I was sitting next to seemed to sympathize with my situation, as she placed her head on my shoudler, and rubbed my back.
Suddenly, wonderful thoughts took over. The girl (I think her name was Phooebe, so from now on, I will refer to her as this) was rubbing my back without end, and I was reminded of days past, when my mother would do the same thing before she awoke me before school. At this point, I came back to myself for a brief moment, and wondered where I was and what was happening. I had two possibilities presented to me: The first one was that I was a person named Willy in my first year of college, who had taken a hallucinatory substance. The second possibility was that I existed as a strange ego-less shell who had been birthed when Willy had taken the acid.
This sounds fucked up, but I seriously thought that reality had started when I took the acid. This was my life, and it was unfolding as if I were an infant. Suddenly, I accepted the trip. I accepted this new possibility. The extra tab I took had probably started kicking in, and I lost complete touch with my ego. I was driven by a sort of existential mindset. I didn't even think I really existed in this world, or any other. There wasn't loneliness, sadness, anything. It was just nothing.
I suddenly came back to reality for a moment, and realized that Phoebe was on top of me. This seemed to be part and parcel for any party I was at. However, I remembered that she also had taken the acid, and may be just as desperate as I was, prior to my death (I thought I was dead, you must understand). At this point, the trip convinced me that I was an angel, and must serve to comfort her, as she made her passage to where I had found myself.
As I laid there with the intention of comforting Phoebe, it became clear what would make her comfortable. She seemed to want us to connect in a way other than the platonic. As an existential nothingness, I felt it not a problem at all to surrender myself to this strange psycho-naut's desires, and let her guide my hands wherever she liked, as I experienced the her desire. This was to be a new beginning. The birth of the new person that was to be me. I would fornicate with this girl, as a tribute to all that had changed.
As fucked up as this sounds, I honestly felt like we were Adam and Eve that night. As we had cuddled, my ego experienced complete withdrawal, as I become nothing inside of a shell. I felt as though we were clinging to each other (literally) as if it was the last thing we had left of reality, and beyond that, was nothing and the unknown. If I had not spent time with Phoebe that night, I feared that I may have died.
After somehow exchanging phone numbers (don't ask me how) I was on my way. The act of walking through the bedroom door and down the stairs toward the main room forced my ego to return briefly, and I remembered where I was, and who I was. It was at this point that I remember actually taking the acid, and remembering that I was tripping. As I looked around, uncontrollable visuals greeted me, and I wondered how and what I had experienced in the previous 2 hours because quite frankly, it exists only as a vague dream. The visuals were so intense, that I retreated into sort of an existential state of existence, devoid of sight.
I somehow my way outside and bummed a cigarette from some random kid. As I slowly puffed on it, I began to perceive things that existed around me. The large oak tree I had seen when driving in, the large tractor that was broken down on the side of the house. Even the stars seemed familiar for a moment. This was my first plateau. Then things got fucked up. My friend (we'll call him Jake) suddenly burst through the front door, ssking me where I'd been, what I'd been doing, etc.
I wanted to look him straight in the eye and say 'Fuck you man. I'm on 2 tabs of acid. I'm tripping balls, leave me alone.' But then I remembered that he wasn't into that. So I instinctively kept my mouth shut, as he continued talking to me, face morphing, mouth twisting, words not making any bit of sense.
'Hey, We're all hungry. Do you want to go to Perkins.?'
Me: 'Umm. I don't know man, we'll see.'
'Well, were going now. If you want a ride, come with us.'
I didn't really have much of a choice at that point. Visions flashed through my head of me wandering around in a fucked up daze asking for a ride home from random people who didn't give a shit about me. I had no choice but to agree to go. We then climbed into the car and left for the all night restaurant. It was somewhere around 4 in the morning, over 4 hours since I ingested the acid.
The diner was weird. I kept percieving seperate entities from the people who were sitting in the restaurant. Do they know I'm tripping? was a question I kept asking myself. I would continuously stare at the two truck driver sitting behind us, or the overweight woman in the next row, or the cracked out meth-heads chattering away in the smoking section.
I was overwhelmed with so much empathy that I wanted to walk right up to them and ask them about themselves, where they came from, and who they were. However, I was overwhelmed by the fact that the trip was still going strong, and I coudln't say a damn thing to anyone.
Somehow we got our food, and ate it. Rumor has it I drank an entire cup of coffee, and got into a conversation with our neighbors about complex interdependence in western Europe, but that's all subjective. After ordering my food, the next thing I remember is us sitting in the car talking about how crazy the night before had been. The visuals had worn down to a moderate level, and I was left with the equivalent of a very mild buzz.
The sun was coming up over the hills, and we decided it was time to go home. However, I was still not quite convinced that the sun really was rising. I could have still died that night, and not even known it. I have so much more respect for psychadelics after that fateful night. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and am very lucky I have as calm of a mind as I do, because otherwise I might have been toast.
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