Citation: Amphetamine. "Lost a Sex Drive, Gained an Addiction: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp33318)". Erowid.org. Jun 21, 2007. erowid.org/exp/33318
120 mg is the highest dose Iíve taken at one particular time, the key word there is at one time. I couldnít begin to count the random pills Iíve popped, or sniffed, or opened to make the reaction quicker. The first time I tried Adderall was in 12th grade. I took 40 or 60 mgs because I have ADD. I stopped taking ritalin in 5th grade and thought I was different from everyone else and I required more, that night was one of the most incredible nights Iíve had. The morning was not. Considering the fact I didnít sleep, the music that gently flowed from the speakers at work irritated me so badly I thought I was going out of my mind. That wasnít enough to stop me from experiencing the mood lifting, socially enhancing, and all around feel good pill.
Some time passed and I was now off to college, I thought that going away and starting new could rid me of problems I had, and stop me from drink or smoking so much. For some reason I was askin some people that I met at school if they had any Adderall and to my suprise it didnít take long before I found someone. That night 4 of us took 60 mgs each and went out to a party. I felt so good. I was really social with everyone around me, the house full of strangers was a thrill for me, and the conversations I had with the 4 kids brought me closer in one night then I have ever to anyone. That night we drank and smoked too, needless to say I was awake from Thursday 10am - Saturday 2am. By the time Friday night came I was zombie like and felt no desire to talk to anyone. Thatís just one night.
Another time that stands out would be the week I took it about 20-40 mgs 3 days in a row. By the 3rd night the effects were not the same, not as strong so I was a little angry about that, by the time the end of the week came I hardly slept, I drove the 1 hour home and by the time I got there I tried holding back the massive amounts of tears that wanted to gush out so my parents wouldnít know anything was up. The second I got to my room I started crying, alot and for awhile, but the only problem was I had nothing really to be that upset about. I was told that I should be careful because when u come down its horrible, that didnít teach me anything.
From a time period of October - December I took it about 2 times a week, more if I could. Most of the times I didnít come down bad at all, at this point I stayed up most nights till 3 or 4 in the morning, doing nothing because most everyone was asleep. The days in school seemed long and dozing off in class was common, I wasnít retaining the information I paid too much money to screw up. At this point I had been thinking alot about the benefits Adderall provided, if I took it safely and regulary in school then I knew it would help me, seeing I am ADD.
By the beginning of December I convinced myself I needed addies to do good in school, but in the back of my mind lurked the hungry part of me that couldnít get enough of the enhancements addies provided. I was feeling really good about myself, and social I felt alot of growth and my shyness had diminished. All in all this was right for me. The doctor pretty much gave the prescription to me, she said to up until I found a good dose for me and come back for a visit to let me see how your doing. I did so, and figured 20 mgs would suit me. I think at that point I took it regularly. I took the 20 mg in the morning and soon after my mood was improved 100%, I was totally positive towards things, went to class, the gym and then eventually slept, but it was probably around 3ish when I could sleep.
I definitely couldnít wait till the morning came and I took my pill, my thoughts were pure good, I became smilely and social. Iíd walk to school not worrying about a thing. I talked alot while I was taking it and had really bad cotten mouth, but it came with addies I knew. Iím not sure when I started to take it alot, Iíd take 40mg maybe 60mg instead of the 20mg some days then 40mgs another, nothing consistant. I never took it on the weekends so I had a few xtra making it able to take em and not run out. Iíve spent entirely too many nights alone in the dorm room while everyoneís asleep. It didnít phase me too much at the time, I went online, drew, and tried to keep myself occupied. I canít remember at this point going through alot of depression, or having alot of physical or phycological problems. I really didnít come off much, and if I had mood changes or whatever I blamed them on stupid things like its a bad day or made some excuse for myself.
In like January or February I had gotten alot worse, the bottles never last till there suppose to. At this point Iím worried my roommates and how they might think I was creepy, they would go to sleep and Iíd be awake, then they would wake up and Iíd still be there, awake. Layin in bed tryin to retain the rampent thoughts that controlled my head and stopped me from sleeping. I hardly ate anything either, the endless pain in my stomach just became life. A plus is that if I took 2-3 20 mgs I was able to get into my homework.
In March I took a trip with a friend and her family to FL, the entire week I was there I didnít have addies. I was fine, sleep was no problem, we just drank a lil. I thought in my mind that this lille break would rid of body of any addies and allow me to feel that feelin I use to or even better yet let me get into a regular pattern so I could take 20 mgs and do my school work. Didnít happen. I waited that whole vacation, and maybe a few more weeks. I got the new bottle and got all happy and popped 40 mgs, it hardly did anything. That ticked me off. So pretty much since then I take alot a day, 1 or 3 in the morn, maybe later if I felt like I wanted to. I started taking it on the weekends now too.
One weekend in Late March I had 90 mgs on a Thursday night, half sniffed and half orally. Throughout the weekend I ate the pills whenever I felt the need, I donít think Iíve ever had so many. That Saturday night I had an incredible night of sex and foreplay with my b/f lasting from 930pm-230am it was great, but since that night my sexual drive has been on basically zero, not even other guys or anything appeal/appealed to me. I had no sleep from Thursday in the am till Monday night. By Monday I was so drained and zombie like I felt so distant and far from people. All I could do was sit, and look at my friends wishing I could get some sleep.
I eventually went to sleep and got some food, and I took it easy for a while after that, like a few weeks not taking it. I told myself no more. Now I am evaluating it all. I went about 2 maybe 3 weeks without taking Adderall. During that time I drank alot more then I usually would if I was on adderall, and I felt really depressed and withdrawn from all my friends. I had no motivation or desire to be around people, nor did I even feel like I was wanted around by anyone. Just to be in my room alone for a short amount of time totally brought my emotions down, but then Iíd be around people again and up they went. Constant fluctuations in my moods has to be unhealthy, the whole time I didnít have Adderall all I could think about was gettin some and being able to talk to people and comfertably interact, just get out of the hole I was in.
A few nights I actually thought my body was going to jump outta my skin as I thought about the way Adderall made me feel, also in class while I sat spaced out I would make hardly any attempt to pay attention, telling myself as soon as you get the perscription you will pay attention in class. During these weeks I figured I NEEDED, 'for school reasons', to increase the mg's I took because the 20 wasnít cuttin it anymore. Its so ironic how this works out, I canít retrieve the perscription unless I have a legal hand written paper but I can call the doctors office, talk to a secretary and increase my mgs from 20mg's a day to 40mg, and at no point did I have to even talk to the doctor.
Tuesday rolled around last week, I finally got the bottle at 730 pm, so I took 1 or 2, I donít remember. I imagine that I couldnít sleep that night. I got 60 20 mgs on that Tuesday and I sold maybe 15-20 other then that I canít stop takin em. I canít even take the required amount. These pills are so much powerful then I ever imagined, and more then alot will know. Iíve sniffed em, I take the gel cap off and just swallow the beads too, since Tuesday I donít think Iíve come down. When my stomach or anything hurts I just take more. I have been consistantly awake since Sunday 730 am and Iím sittin here now at Tuesday 630 typing this.
This weekend I was told by a very close friend that I am changed and I need to stop takin them. But for all of you who know what I am goin through its so hard to stop. A huge thing I have concluded is that adderal, drasticly changes my sex drive. I was very normal and active, but the past months Iíve had hardly any urges, not even towards anyone. I have a boyfriend of 2 years and I get all pissed off and irritated when he even touches me, Plus the thing is thereís no other person Iíve been faintly attracted to recently.
Adderall causes server mood swings, for instance the other day was one of the best Iíve had in a long time, and just because I couldnít find a t-shirt my mood changed in a flash, I got all pissed off and then it got me thinking and depressed. I feel so lost right now, I what to be able to take the amount I need because they helped academicly, but I think I am psychologically addicted and I cannot restrict myself. I havenít been 'down' since last Tuesday, so physically I dunno. I am very worried what will happen and thatís what brought me here.
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