Citation: Chemical Christ. "Passion of the Liver: An Experience with Alcohol (exp33298)". Erowid.org. Nov 29, 2006. erowid.org/exp/33298
I am a connoisseur of many drugs, a drug fan, as I often call myself. I have taken almost everything, except heroin, mescaline, NN-DMT (I've taken 5-MEO-DMT), and PCP. LSD, Methamphetamine, Crack, everything else I have consumed. I have emerged from such a bewildering and at times overwhelming array of licit and illicit pharmaceutical experiences unscathed. But, Alcohol, a substance that my father is also addicted to, has latched onto me, or rather, I have latched on to it.
I smoke pot everyday, my brain lives in a realm of THC, and I used to be concerned about my constant cannabis consumption. I used to feel 'burned out' and I thought that my memory was slightly impaired, I thought I had lost all motivation even in the activities that I am most impassioned about.
Until I began to drink, when a new definition of 'burned out' emerged. Now my memory has been fried to utter shit and my head is a wasteland. I actually feel, in a terrifyingly literal sense, like the walking dead. I never saw alcohol coming. I always partied and never thought anything about alcohol. I was always worried about getting hooked on speed or something like that, but no...it was alcohol...and there's nothing like it.
I struggle like hell to not drink for even one day, and I, most of the time, cannot drink less than five drinks in an hour let alone in an entire sitting. It started before I was 21 years old, but when I turned 21, the devil and I got acquainted well, and we became the best of friends. I used to drink a 40 of malt liquor every night (because it only cost $1.80 or something). Now I consume as much alcohol as I can, because I've grown to love that state of drunken immobilization.
Alcoholism is such a strange form of drug addiction, one that so many people take for granted. No one thinks of alcohol when 'crazy hard drugs' are mentioned. It is a hard fucking drug. The system lies when it justifies alcohol in this ridiculous 'war on drugs.' I wake up every morning with a feeling in my head that I call 'KFC brains,' named of course after the Kentucky Fried Chicken. My organs ache, my brains feel like melted crayon wax, I can taste alcohol in my mouth all day long. I've long forgotten that I have a limit to how much I can drink, I don't think any more, I'll drink shots and beers and more shots without question.
One night at a party I drank so much, yet I did not notice that I had, and to my horror, I realised that I had blacked out for hours and that I was on the floor covered in my own vomit. It was so degrading, I feared that I may have been the freakish spectacle, and that pretty girls may have watched me writhing in a pool of my puke. I was so drunk that it was almost a kind of psychedelic experience, I couldn't believe how fucked up I was.
I get drunk and I pop Vicodins, Soma's, Flexarils, Ativans, Xanax's and Darvocets (not all at once of course). Because I'd sell my soul for those soothing lows. I make foolish decisions and I throw in money for Cocaine that I don't even have ( because I've spent it on liquor). I lust for those drugs, but it always starts with alcohol, because alcohol is the basis for all of my insanity. I say that I won't drink some nights and I usually end up drinking, and if I don't drink I pop pills and smoke all of the weed that I try to conserve.
When I think about drinking I get this weird self destructive fire inside, this instinct to create chaos and facilitate my slow death. Alcohol is the hardest, and most addictive drug, now that I've come to live my life with it. I can't fathom quitting, I don't want to. I wish I could just go back to the time when I could only drink once a week, things were in equilibrium then. But not now, since I've become a demon of alcohol, possessed by its dark magic.
I've have been enlightened in many ways by every drug I've taken (mostly the hallucinogens, the tryptamines, the indole compounds and Salvia Divinorum have changed my life for the better). But alcohol, it has a different message, that takes longer to figure out.
It's all very masochistic. I am constantly fighting extreme depression and suicidal ideation. I love that transcendent alcohol state of blissful brain fry in which one is all powerful and does not give a fuck about anything. I am trapped between love and hate. I love you alcohol, and I hate you.
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